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Hubert Humphrey High School mascot.

Clarion

Periodicals

Newspapers

Clarion
Hubert Humphrey High School newspaper.

Happy Harry Hard-on

Radio

Radio Programs

Happy Harry Hard-on
Christian Slaters alter ego on the air.

Herbert Humphrey High School

Education

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Herbert Humphrey High School

News 6 KSFB-TV

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News 6 KSFB-TV
Local TV news.

Paradise Hills Mortuary

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Paradise Hills Mortuary

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Postal Center USA
Where Mark receives his mail. His post office box is registered to Chuck U. Farley.

WKPS

Radio

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WKPS
Radio station that Mark claims to be with when calling guidance counselor Mr. Deaver.

MAKE BELIEVE MAP

Paradise Hills

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Urban Areas

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Paradise Hills
The Arizona town the Hunters move to.

OTHER

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: Send me your most pathetic moment, your most anything, as long as it's real. I mean I want the size, the shape, the feel, the smell. I want blood sweat and tears on these letters. I want brains and ectoplasm and cum spilled all over them.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: Who cares? That's my motto.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: I'm sick of being ashamed. I don't mind being dejected and rejected, but I'm not going to be ashamed about it. At least pain is real. I mean, you look around and you see nothing is real, but at least the pain is real.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: Just look inside yourself and you'll see me waving up at you naked wearing only a cock ring.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: They say I'm disturbed. Well, of course I'm disturbed. I mean, we're all disturbed. And if we're not, why not? Doesn't this blend of blindness and blandness want to make you do something crazy? Then why not do something crazy? It makes a helluva lot more sense than blowing your fucking brains out.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: Feeling screwed up at a screwed up time in a screwed up place does not necessarily make you screwed up.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: See I never planned it like this. My dumb dad got me this shortwave radio set so I could just talk to my buddies back east. But I couldn't reach anybody. So I just imagined I was talking to nobody, I imagined nobody listening. Maybe I imagined there would be one person out there... And then one day I woke up, and I realized I was never going to be normal, so I said, "Fuck it." I said, "So be it." And Happy Harry Hard-On was born. But I never meant to hurt anyone. I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm sorry Malcolm. I never said, "Don't do it."

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: Do you ever get the feeling that everything in America is completely fucked up?

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: You hear about some kid who did something stupid, something desperate, what possessed him? How could he do such a terrible thing? Well, it's really quite simple, actually. Consider the life of a teenager - you have parents, teachers telling you what to do, you have movies, magazines and TV telling you what to do, but you know what you have to do. Your job, your purpose is to get accepted, get a cute girlfriend, think up something great to do with the rest of your life. What if you're confused and can't imagine a career? What if you're funny looking and can't get a girlfriend? You see, no-one wants to hear it. But the terrible secret is that being young is sometimes less fun than being dead.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: We're all worried, we're all in pain. That just comes with having eyes and having ears. But just remember one thing - it can't get any worse, it can only get better. High school is the bottom, being a teenager sucks, but that's the point, surviving it is the whole point. Quitting is not going to make you stronger, living will. So just hang on and hang in there.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: "Dear Harry, I think you're boring and obnoxious and have a high opinion of yourself." Course some of you are probably thinking I sent this one to myself. "I think school is okay if you just look at it right. I mean I like your music, but I really don't see why you can't be cheerful for one second." I'll tell you since you asked. I just arrived in this stupid suburb. I have no friends, no money, no car, no license. And even if I did have a license all I can do is drive out to some stupid mall. Maybe if I'm lucky play some fucking video games, smoke a joint and get stupid.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: You see, there's nothing to do anymore. Everything decent's been done. All the great themes have been used up. Turned into theme parks. So I don't really find it exactly cheerful to be living in the middle of a totally, like, exhausted decade where there's nothing to look forward to and no one to look up to.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: I mean, if I knew any thing about love, I would be out there making it, instead of sitting in here talking to you guys.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: Ok, this is really me now. No more hiding. Listen, we're all worried, we're all in pain. That just comes with having eyes and with having ears. But just remember one thing, it can't get any worse, it can only get better. I mean High School is the bottom. Being a teenager sucks! But that's the point, surviving it is the whole point! Quitting is not going to make you strong, living will. So just hang on and hang in there.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: You know, I know all about the hating and the sneering. I'm a member of the "why bother" generation myself. But why did I bother to come out here tonight, and why did you? I mean, It's time. It's begins with us, not with politicians, the experts or the teachers but with us. With you and with me. The ones who need it most. I gotta believe, with everything in me, the whole world is longing for healing. Even the trees, the earth itself are crying out for it. You can hear it everywhere. Same kinda healing I desperately needed and I finally feel has begun, with you.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: Okay, down to business. I got my Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi, and uh, I got my Black Jack gum here! And I got that feeling. Mmm, yeah that familiar feeling? That something rank is going on out there.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: All the great themes have been used up and turned into theme parks.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: Remember my dear, I can smell a lie like a fart in a car.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: Talk hard, I like that. It's like a dirty thought in a nice clean mind.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: Rise up in the cafeteria and stab them with your plastic forks.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: Oh no, not again. The creature stirs. Oh God, I think it's gonna to be a gusher. This is the sixth time in an hour.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: I like the idea that a voice can just go somewhere, uninvited, and just kinda hang out like a dirty thought in a nice clean mind. Maybe a though is like a virus, you know, it can... it can... kill all the healthy thoughts and just take over. That would be serious.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: Guess who? It's 10 o'clock, do you care where your parents are?

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: In real life I could be that anonymous nerd sitting across from you in chem lab, staring at you so hard. Then when you turn around he tries to smile, but the smile just comes out all wrong. You just think, How pathetic. Then he just looks away, and never looks back at you again.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: You see, feeling screwed up in a screwed up place in a screwed up time does not mean you are screwed up, if you catch my drift.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: I'm dedicating this unusual song to an unusual person who makes me feel kind of... unusual.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: Sometimes being young is less fun than being dead.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: I know that all of my horny listeners would love it if I would call up the "eat me, beat me" lady. But no! Because she never encloses her number.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: Always the same red paper, the same beautiful black writing. She's probably a lot like me, a legend in her own mind. Hehehehe. But you know what, I bet in real life she's probably not that wild. I bet she's kind of shy like so many of us briskly walking the halls, pretending to be late for some class, pretending to be distracted. Hey, poetry lady, are you really this cool? Are you out there? Are you listening?

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: They think you're moody, make 'em think you're crazy. Make 'em think you might snap. They say you got attitude, you show 'em some real attitude.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: I am everywhere. I am inside each and every single one of you. Just look in and I will be there waving out at ya, naked wearing only a cock ring, heh, heh, heh. Wow, time flies when you're on the run. I'm gonna cut out now with this unusual song I'm dedicating to an unusual person who makes me feel kind of unusual.

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: Tonight we have number twelve of one hundred things to do with your body when you're all alone. Now, are you ready for the incredible sound of Hard Harry coming on his own face?

Happy Harry Hard-On
Happy Harry Hard-On: For instance, assuming that there is a heaven, who would ever want to go there? Ya know? I mean think about it, it's cool, you're sitting there up on this cloud. It's nice, it's quiet. There's no teachers, there's no parents... but guess what... there's nothing to do! It's fucking boring!

Nora

Nora
Nora: Is it bigger than a baby's arm?

Nora

Nora
Nora: I say do it. I dont care what, just do it. Jam me, jack me, push me, pull me, talk hard.

Nora

Nora
Nora: I'm the "Eat me, beat me" lady.

Nora

Nora
Nora: Tough luck, creepoid.

Nora

Nora
Nora: I know you. Not your name, but your game. I know the true you. Come to me, or I'll come to you. Hey relax, I'm not like that! Except for when I am.

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