- Cassie: Last time I saw you, you were setting up your tent to see Return of the Jedi. (Season 7 episode The One With Ross and Monica's Cousin)
- Chandler: Gum would be perfection? Gum would be perfection! Could have said, "Gum would be nice." Could have said, "I'll have a stick." But no, no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself! (episode The One with the Blackout)
- Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
- Chandler: Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies. (episode The One with the East German Laundry Detergent)
- Chandler: When the right girl comes along I believe you will have the courage and the guts to say, "No thanks, I'm married."
- Chandler: You know what else is number one? My sweat pants!
- Chandler: Offering people gum is not cooking.
- Chandler: I'm very happy we're gonna have all the sex. (Season 5 episode The One Where Everybody Finds Out)
- Chandler: Hey, you have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance!
- Chandler: Wow! She's amazing! She makes the women I dream about look like short, fat, bald men.
- Chandler: Oh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself and then I realized I didn't need the note, and so I balled it up and now I wish I was dead. (episode The One with the Sonogram at the End)
- Chandler: I can handle it. Handle is my middle name. Actually it the middle part of my first name.
- Chandler: Yep! Two nipples, no waiting.
- Chandler: Could she be any more out of my league? (Season 1 The One With the Butt)
- Chandler: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I want you... I need you... I must have you Janice Litman Goralnik Neihosenstein. (Season 10 episode The One Where Estelle Dies)
- Chandler: I just came by to drop off... nothing. (episode The One With the Kips)
- Chandler: Yes, and that's what I want. A roommate I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one.
- Chandler: No, that's a good thing. Why must we dial so 'speedily' anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why can't we savor the precious moments? Those are some huge breasts you have.
- Chandler: Yes, hitting her with a frying pan is a good idea. We might want to have a back-up plan though, just in case she isn't a cartoon!
- Chandler: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!
- Chandler: Oh no! Two women love me! They're both gorgeous and sexy! My wallet's to small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!
- Chandler: You hear that? That is her choice, Mister 'I'll let you have her.' I win! You suck! I rule all! Mini wave in celebration of me! (episode The One With the Truth About London)
- Chandler: Oh yea, But don't worry. I don't think anybody's going to focus on that as long as you're wearing that towel dress.
- Chandler: Okay, but if we put on Spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm going home.
- Chandler: You wanted to sleep with Batman but instead you had to settle for Robin. (episode The One With the Truth About London)
- Chandler: Okay, the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?
- Chandler: See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realized I didn't need the note so I balled it up, and now I wish I was dead.
- Chandler: Ok, good night. You big freak of nature!
- Chandler: Alright, Paper, Rock, Scissors for who has to tell the whore to leave.
- Chandler: Oh yeah. including the waffles last week, you now owe me 17 gillion dollars.
- Chandler: Let me ask you this. What do you do for the extra hundred? So would I have to provide the grapes?
- Chandler: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer!
- Chandler: Ok, penis schmenis, we're all people.
- Chandler: Well, my apartment isn't there any more because I drank it.
- Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Did I say that out loud?
- Chandler: How do you not fall down more?
- Chandler & Joey
- Chandler: Well, despite the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered.
Joey: Hey, Chandler. When you see Franky, tell him Joey Tribbiani says 'hello'. He'll know what it means.
Chandler: Are you sure he's going to be able to crack that code?
(Season 2 episode The One With Ross's New Girlfriend)
- Chandler: Ok, Joe, I gotta ask! The girl from the Xerox place - buck naked. Or a big tub of jam?
Joey: Put your hands together!
- Chandler: There has got to be a way!
Joey: Easy there, Captain Kirk.
(Season 8 episode The One With the Secret Closet)
- Chandler & Mr. Douglas
- Chandler: Dee! How's it going, sir?
Mr. Douglas: It's been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in. It's pretty ugly. We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the '70s.
(The One with the Two Parts)
- Chandler & Nina
- Chandler: I was just going over your data. You've been postdating your Friday numbers.
Nina: Which is bad, because?
Chandler: It throws my WENUS out of whack.
Nina: Excuse me?
Chandler: WENUS. Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics.
(The One with the Two Parts)
- Chandler & Rachel
- Chandler: It's not different at all, is it?
Rachel: Not unless different means the same.
- Chandler: So did you have the baby yet?
Rachel: Do you want me to come over there and sit on you? Because I'll do it.
(Season 8 episode The One Where Rachel is Late)
- Chandler, Rachel & Ross
- Chandler: You guys all know what you want to do.
Rachel: I don't.
Chandler: You guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream!
Ross: The lesser-known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.
(The One with the Stoned Guy)
- Charles Bing & Nora Bing
- Charles Bing (Chandler's father): Aren't you too old to wear a dress like that?
Nora Bing (Chandler's mother): Don't you have too much penis to wear a dress like that?
(The One With Monica and Chandler's Wedding)
- Isaac: It doesn't matter how much we love them. Monogamy is too cruel a rule. (Season 3 episode The One the Morning After)
- Joey: Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to God!
- Joey: Jump off the high-dive! Stare down the barrel of the gun! Pee into the wind!
- Joey: Monkey Lover! (episode The One With the Cheap Wedding Dress)
- Joey: What is it? Is it Mom? Is she sick? Is it Dad's heart? Is that a sandwich? Is that a sandwich?
- Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes?
- Joey: Sorry, wrong boobies.
- Joey: That's good. Just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time. (Season 1 episode The One Where Rachel Finds Out)
- Joey: Moo Point It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. (Season 7 episode The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs)
- Joey: Utah? You can't just make this stuff up! (episode The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs)
- Joey: DOOL - Days of Our Lives. (episode The One With Joeys New Brain)
- Joey: Were you or were you not on a gay cruise? (episode The One With the Kips)
- Joey: I fold like a hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. (Season 1 episode The One With All the Poker)
- Joey: I am pretty wisdomous. (Season 10 episode The One With Phoebe's Wedding)
- Joey: Everyone knows I'm an ass man. (episode The One With the Truth About London)
- Joey: You get to say stuff like: "Hey! The bell doesn't dismiss you. I dismiss you!"
- Joey: Joey doesn't share food! (Season 10 episode The One With the Birth Mother)
- Joey: You want my advice? You're not gonna like it. You got married too fast. (episode The One With the Kips)
- Joey: It's a rented tux, ok? I'm not gonn'a go commando in another man's fatigues.
- Joey: I'm a man of the cloth but I still have feelings. (episode The One With the Truth About London)
- Joey: This guy is so stupid. It's Count Rushmore!
- Joey & Chandler
- Joey: Get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum. Girls like gum
Chandler: That's a good idea. Dear Janice, Have a Hubba Bubba Birthday.
- Joey & Lauryn
- Joey: Hi, Lauryn.
Lauryn: Hi, pig.
- Joey & Ross
- Joey: I could teach you a speech that I memorized for auditions.
Ross: I don't think that your monologue from Star Wars is gonna help me right now, Joe!
(Season 9 episode The One in Barbados)
- Joey: That's how they do pants! First the go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, move it back, and then they do the rear. Ross will you tell him. Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?
Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison!
(Season 2 episode The One With Ross's New Girlfriend)
- Joey as Dr. Drake Ramoray
- Joey as Drake Ramore: Damn it, I'm a doctor! I'm not God! (Season 2 The One After the Super Bowl)
- Monica: Wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies- that's when the waistband actually goes over your head.
- Monica: Ho, ho, ho! Ben, come open more gifts. The armadillo and I will have a talk in the kitchen… There's a sentence I never thought I'd say. (Season 7 episode The One with the Holiday Armadillo)
- Monica: Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it. (Pilot episode)
- Monica: I'd love to stay, but I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to. (Season 9 episode The Fertility Test)
- Monica: You know what? This is not over. We will play you again and we will win and you will lose and you will beg and we will laugh and we will take every last dime you have and you will hate yourselves. Forever.
- Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.
- Monica: Well, I thought this would be a great opportunity to use up all the food that I don't want to move to the new house with me! So, enjoy: smoked oyster casserole with a breakfast cereal crust, kidney beans in their own juices, and for dessert, a questionable orange. (Season 10 episode The One With Rachel's Going Away Party)
- Monica: He has everything! Plus - he actually has everything.
- Monica: That'll teach you to lick my muffin. (Season 2 episode The One With the Chicken Pox)
- Monica: Welcome to an adult relationship. (episode The One With the Kips)
- Monica: I mean, is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotion problems can hear?
- Monica: Okay, mister, fertilize me! (Season 8 episode The One Where Rachel Has a Baby)
- Monica: Oh, my God! There's Roy Gublik! You know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. He was in the paper. (Season 2 The One With the Prom Video)
- Monica: You know, maybe you should consider writing for 'talking out of your ass' magazine.
- Monica: Married a Lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl's wooden leg on the fire, live in a box!
- Monica: All these years I thought you were on my side. But maybe what you were doing was sucking up to mom and dad, so they'll keep liking you better.
- Monica: Okay, everybody. Relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex. (Pilot episode)
- Monica: All weekend? That's a whole lotta naked! (episode The One With the Kips)
- Monica: That's right. That's how I would sound like if I exploded!
- Monica: Here's your penis!
- Monica: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want you to take him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is you do that makes him go Weeeeeee!
- Monica & Joey
- Monica: MEG was good for me, but I dumped her. You know, my motto is: "Get out before they go down."
Joey: That is so not my motto!
- Monica & Rachel
- Monica: How are you doing?
Rachel: Oh not bad. Do you know that feeling, trying to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass? Weirdest thing.
(Season 8 episode The One Where Rachel Has a Baby)
- Monica, Phoebe & Ross
- Monica: Well, Ross was mugged as a kid.
Phoebe: You were?
Ross: Yeah, it was pretty traumatic. I was outside St. Mark's Comics. You know, I was just there minding my own business, you know, seeing what kinda trouble Spider-man got into that week…
Monica: Wonder Woman!
(Season 9 episode The One With the Mugging)
- Phoebe: Ooh, ice, yeah, I'm so in the mood for ice.
- Phoebe: I got a call at like 2 in the morning, and all I could hear was like this high squeaky sound, so I figure oh, OK, so it's like a mouse or a possum. But then I realized, OK, where would a mouse or a possum get the money to make the phone call.
- Phoebe: Ooh, it's like the mother ship is calling you home.
- Phoebe: We could not, would not want to wait!
- Phoebe: Chandler was in the closet counting to ten, and he was up to seven, and I hadn't found a place to hide yet.
- Phoebe: We're so stupid. Do you know what they're doing in there? They trying to take Joey! (episode The One With the Kips)
- Phoebe: I didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse. It should have been called 'It's a Sucky Life and Just When You Think it Can't Suck Any More - It Does'!
- Phoebe: Where is my strong Ross-Skywalker to come rescue me?
- Phoebe: Oh Rachel. This is all so Papa Don't Preach.
- Phoebe: Wow, it's like a dirty math problem.
- Phoebe: Oh, sweet lord! This must be what evil must taste like!
- Phoebe: Happy meatless turkey murder day! (Season 10 episode The One With the Late Thanksgiving)
- Phoebe: That's why I take such good care of my teeth now. It's not about oral hygiene. I floss to save lives!
- Phoebe: Ok, you gotta give me a second, I wanna get this just right. "Dude! 11 O'clock. Totally hot babe checkin' you out!" That was really good. I think I'm ready for my penis now!
- Phoebe: You are like Santa Claus on Prozac, at Disneyland, getting laid! (Season 8 episode The One in Massapequa)
- Phoebe: Ok. You're gonna have to not touch my ass!
- Phoebe: Ooh, does he eat chalk? Just cuz I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl, oh.
- Phoebe & Chandler
- Phoebe: The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men.
Chandler: Or what my Father called Thursday night.
- Rachel: Oh, yeah. You know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it.
- Rachel: Ross, it was so obvious. It was like you were marking your territory! You might as well have just come in and peed all around my desk!
- Rachel: Well, you know. When I first met you, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be. Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so I thought maybe not.
- Rachel: Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic!
- Rachel: Chandler Bing, it's time to see your thing!
- Rachel: Let's just stay clear of, "I'm the guy that's doing your daughter", and you should be okay.
- Rachel: I'm going 'commando' too!
- Rachel: If you do come to dinner, I'll love you like I do in that black thing that you like.
- Rachel: Oh god. I'm being like a total laundry spaz? I mean am I supposed to use one machine for shirts, and another machine for pants?
- Rachel & Joey
- Rachel Green: What's so great about the Shining?
Joey Tribbiani: The question should be Rach, what is not so great about the Shining. Okay? And the answer would be: Nothing.
- Rachel & Phoebe
- Rachel: What's up?
Phoebe: ln the cab on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie.
Phoebe: Smoked a joint, you know? Lit a bone.Weed, hemp, ganja...
Rachel: I'm with you, Cheech.
- Roger: Easy on those cookies. Remember they're just food, not love.
- Ross: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
- Ross: Well remember, I lived with Monica; if you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!
- Ross: I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there'll be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as a human brain. So, theoretically, you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and live forever as a machine. (Season 6 episode The One Where Phoebe Runs)
- Ross: Well, we haven't actually met. We just stayed up all night talking on the internet.
- Ross: What kind of scary ass clowns came to your birthday?
- Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if, what if there's only one woman for everybody? You know, what if you only get one woman and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for her.
- Ross: Hey! I married a lesbian to make you look good!
- Ross: Do that for another two hours, and you might be where I am right about now.
- Ross: I will be revenged! (episode The One with the Truth About London)
- Ross: Hey, hey, I'm your Daddy! I'm the one without any breasts.
- Ross: It doesn't matter. You don't dip your pen into the company ink. (The One with the Two Parts)
- Ross: Hi, I'm Ross, I'm here to ruin this magical day for you. (Season 8 episode The One Where Rachel Has a Baby)
- Ross: Uberwiess! It's new. It's German. It's extra-tough!
- Ross: It'd really help when I'm kissing you, if you didn't shout out my sister's name.
- Ross: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister.
- Ross: I can't believe I'm about to meet Benjamin Hobart. I've always thought of him as one of the people I'd invite to my fantasy dinner party. Do you think there's any chance he'll bring Christie Brinkley or C3PO? (Season 10 episode The One With Ross' Grant)
- Ross: Look I didn't recognize you without that inflatable sheep.
- Ross: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off the penis, so we can put it on the bunny... That is a weird sentence! (Season 10 The One With the Cake)
- Ross: Maybe there aren't 50 states! (episode The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs)
- Ross: I am this close to tugging on my testicles again. (Season 10 The One With the Cake)
- Ross: Delaware! (Season 7 episode The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs)
- Ross: So, in the words of A.A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!"
- Ross & Chandler
- Ross: I guess he must've gotten the part in that play.
Chandler: Yeah, either that or Gloria Estefan was right. Eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.
(Season 3 episode The One With the Tiny T-Shirt)
- Ross & Joey
- Ross: I know we start by discussing the shortcomings of carbon dating, and then, then I move on to what is clearly the defining moment of the Mesozoic era, the breakup of Pangea, hello! And then, there's the... there's the overview of the Triassic.
Joey: Oh, oh! Any chance any of this happened in a Galaxy far, far away?
(Season 9 episode The One in Barbados)
- Ross, Chandler & Joey
- Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Chandler & Joey: Oh, that's nice.
Ross: No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they hike me the baby, and I know I've got to do something, 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.
Joey: Tampa Bay has got a terrible team!
Ross: Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking they can take us. And so I just heave it down-field.
Chandler: What, you're kidding? That's a baby!
Joey: What, he should take the sack?
- Susan: Where does that leave me? You're his father. Who am l? There's Father's Day. There's Mother's Day. There's no Lesbian Lover Day. (Season 1 episode The One With the Birth)