|INVISIBLE MONSTERS 1999 Literature|
- Seth (on postcard from the future): Game shows are designed to make us feel better about the random, useless facts that are all we have left of our education.
Fictional business and products... and more
- Appliances and Housewares
- Num Num Snack Factory
- Still, there I was one time, taping this infomercial, one of those long-long commercials you think will end at any moment because after all it's just a commercial, but it's actually thirty minutes long. Me and Evie, we're hired to be walking sex furniture to wear tight evening dresses all afternoon and entice the television audience into buying the Num Num Snack Factory. Manus comes to sit in the studio audience, and after the shoot he goes, "Let's go sailing," and I go, "Sure!"
- Tooter's Ice Milk
- Another billboard: Next Sundae, Scream For Tooter's Ice Milk!
- Breakfast Cereal
- Tasty Phase Magic Bran
- All around us, erosion and insects are just chewing up the world, never mindpeople and pollution. Everything biodegrades with or without you pushing. I checkmy purse for enough spironolactone for Seth's afternoon snack. Another billboardgoes by: Tasty Phase Magic Bran—Put Something Good In Your Mouth.
- Cafes and Delis
- Karver Stage Stop Cafe
- Jump to us on Interstate 5 where a billboard goes by. Clean food and family prices coming up at the Karver Stage Stop Cafe.
- Clothing and Accessories
- Industry Jeans Wear
- The uglier the fashions, the worse places we'd have to pose to make them lookgood. Junkyards. Slaughterhouses. Sewage treatment plants. It's the ugly bridesmaid tactic where you only look good by comparison. One shoot for Industry Jeans Wear, I was sure we'd have topose kissing dead bodies.
- Clothing Stores
- House of St. Patience
- Brandy, when she sat me in the chair still hot from her ass and she locked the speech therapist door that first time, she named me out of my future. She named me Daisy St. Patience and never wanted to know what name I walked in the door with. I was the rightful heir to the international fashion house, the House of St. Patience.
- Department, Discount and General Stores
- Brumbach's Department Store
- Jump way back to one day outside Brumbach's Department Store where people are stopped to watch somebody's dog lift its leg on the Nativity scene, Evie and me included.
- Dairy Bite
- Another billboard: Dairy Bite—The Chewing Gum Flavored With the Low-Fat Goodness of RealCheese.
- La Paloma Memorial Hospital
- Jump back to the day of my big accident, when everybody was so considerate. The people, the folks who let me go ahead of them in the emergency room. What the police insisted. I mean, they gave me this hospital sheet with "Property of La Paloma Memorial Hospital" printed along the edge in indelible blue. First they gave me morphine, intravenously. Then they propped me up on a gurney.
- Congress Hotel
- Jump to me not feeling anything but stupid, trying to balance one of Evie's gold saxophone telephones against my ear. Brandy Alexander, the inconvenient queen she is, isn't listed in the phone book. All I know is she lives downtown at the Congress Hotel in a corner suite with three roommates: Kitty Litter. Sofonda Peters. And the vivacious Vivienne VaVane.
- Babewear Magazine
- Jump to one time back when I had a face and I did this magazine cover shootfor BabeWear magazine.
- Personal Care Products
- HairShell Hairspray
- Through her big cheesy smile, Evie says, "How exactly did your brother get mutilated?" You can only hold a real smile for so long, after that it's just teeth. The art director steps up with his little foam applicator and retouches where the bronzer is streaked on my butt cheeks.
"It was a hairspray can somebody threw away in our family's burning barrel," I say. "He was burning the trash and it exploded."
And Evie says, "Somebody?"
And I say, "You'd think it was my mom, the way she screamed and tried to stop him bleeding."
And the photographer says, "Girls, can you go up on your toes just a little?"
Evie goes, "A big thirty-two-ounce can of HairShell hairspray? I bet it peeled half his face off."
- Plastic Surgery
- Brandy Alexander Nipple Relocation Program
- "Oh," Brandy turns her hand over to spill the Bilax into her purse, and some capsules fall but some stick to the sweat on her palm. "After they give you the tits, your nipples are cockeyed and way too high," she says, "they use a razor to shave the nipples off, and they relocate them.” That's her word. Relocate. The Brandy Alexander Nipple Relocation Program.
- Nubbys BBQ
- Another billboard:. Nubby's is the BBQ Gotta-Stop for Savory, Flavory Chicken Wings.
- Marilyn Monroe School of Medicine
- The big jeweled arm muscles of Brandy sit me down in the seat still hot from her ass, and she holds the compact so I can see inside. Instead of face powder, it's full of white capsules. Where there should be a mirror, there's a close up photo of Brandy Alexander smiling and looking terrific. "They're Vicodins, dear," she says. "It's the Marilyn Monroe school of medicine where enough of any drug will cure any disease." She says, "Dig in. Help yourself."
- Schools-Performing Arts
- Taylor Robberts Modeling Academy
- My passing grade in modeling school was just because Evie'd dragged down the curve. She'd wear shades of lipstick you'd expect to see around the base of a penis. She'd wear so much eye shadow you'd think she was a product testing animal. Just from her hair spray, there's a hole in the ozone over the Taylor Robberts Modeling Academy.
- Toy Products
- Katty Kathy
- There are ten other bedrooms and some bathrooms, and I go room to room. Towels burn. Bathroom inferno! Chanel Number Five, it burns. Oil paintings of race horses and dead pheasants burn. The reproduction Oriental carpets burn. Evie's bad dried flower arrangements, they're these little tabletop infernos. Too cute! Evie's Katty Kathy doll, it melts, then it burns. Evie's collection of big carnival stuffedanimals—Cootie, Poochie, Pam-Pam, Mr. Bunnits, Choochie, Poo Poo, and Ringer—it's a fun-fur holocaust. Too sweet. Too precious.
- TV Stations
- Christian Healing Network
- "Don't tell me you've never watched our Christian Healing Network'?" Brandy says. She fiddles with the little gold cross at her throat. "If you just watched one show, you'd know that God in his wisdom has made my son-in-law a mute, and he cannot speak."
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