- Andy: Your secret is safe with me. To even it out, I'm gonna tell you all of my secrets. once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. I didn't actually sell my last car. I just forgot where I parked it. I don't know who Al Gore is. And at this point I'm too afraid to ask. When they say 2% milk, I don't know what the other 98% is. When I was a baby, my head was so big scientists did experiments on me. I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca. (Season 6 episode New Slogan)
- Andy: I have been writing a lot of songs about shining shoes lately. I tend to write about what I'm doing… (singing) Talking about writing about what I'm doing, now I'm singing about talking about writing about what I'm doing. (Season 2 episode The Set-Up)
- Andy: She's going to be gone for the next 24 hours so I made this list and basically this place is gonna be like a sparkling palace when she returns. I took a bunch of painkillers. They're about to kick in so I'm ready to go. (Season 1 episode Boys' Club)
- Andy: That's my spaghetti, Chewbacca. (Season 6 episode Second Chunce)
- Andy: Oh, I'm fine. It's just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired. Also, I can't sleep, I'm overeating, none of my old hobbies interest me. (Season 5 episode Correspondents Lunch)
- Andy: The band has had a few different names over the years. We started, we were Teddy Bear Suicide, but then we changed it to Mouse Rat. Then we were God Hates Figs, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Flames for Flames, Muscle Confusion, Nothing Rhymes with Orange, then Everything Rhymes with Orange, Punch Face Champions, Rad Wagon, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Penis Pendulum, Hand Rail Suicide, Angel Snack, Just the Tip, Three Skin Jet Black Pope, we went back to Mouse Rat, and now we are Scarecrow Boat. God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud, I kind of hate it. (Season 1 episode Rock Show)
- Andy: It's gonna be like a giant Woodstock, except for instead of everybody rolling around in mud, they'll be rolling around in happiness. Or maybe mud, I don't know, I can't control the weather. (Season 6 episode Anniversaries)
- Andy: Close only counts in horse grenades… It's a saying. Because if you're playing horseshoes, and then you throw a grenade at a horse, it doesn't have to be that close, and you can still blow the horse's legs off. It's from the movie Seabiscuit. (Season 5 episode Leslie and Ben)
- Ann: I can't have cheese, Larry! And I can't have wine either. I can't have anything good. You know, what I can have is liquefied flaxseed. But I don't want that. You know what I want? Pork rinds. I want jelly beans. And I want a huge trash bag filled with mashed potatoes. I want to be Pac-Man, and instead of dots, I want 'em to be cinnamon buns. I want to be a giant head and a mouth, and I just want to eat rows and rows of junk food pellets, and where's my trash bag of potatoes? (Season 6 episode Farmers Market)
- Ann: Miss, hi, I'm pregnant, and I'm a little bit crazy, so if you don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds, I'm going to plunge your face into the deep fryer. (Season 6 episode Second Chunce)
- Ann: Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just husky, big-boned, plus-sized chunk monsters. I call them like I see them. (Season 2 episode Sweetums)
- Annabel Porter
- Annabel Porter: Come with me as we binge watch the future. (Season 7 episode William Henry Harrison)
- April: What's your pitch, kid? Come on, time is money, money is power, power is pizza, pizza is knowledge, let's go. (Season 6 episode Second Chunce)
- Ben: I have been kind of tense lately. Just thinking about the new Star Wars sequel. I'm afraid they're gonna rely too heavily on CGI. And I'm carrying it all in my shoulders. (Season 6 episode Anniversaries)
- Ben: I can smell your dreams, Tom. I can. And I can smell 'em from here. And honestly, they smell terrible. (Season 3 episode Indianapolis)
- Ben: I'm on Endor. These are the redwoods George Lucas used to create the forest moon of Endor. (Season 6 episode Movin' Up)
- Ben: This is signed by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Just think about all their great songs, covering everything from the culture of Southern California to drug use in Southern California. (Season 6 episode One in 8,000)
- Ben: And after you fell asleep making Jerry's scrapbook, I went back to season one of Fringe to check for plot holes. As I suspected, airtight.
- Ben & Ron Dunn
- Ben: Where'd you come from?
Ron Dunn: Uh, that's a complicated question. All depends on whether your conception of time is linear or circular.
(Season 6 episode Flu Season 2)
- Chris: The root of sarcasm is truth, Ann. (Season 4 episode The Treaty)
- Chris: That was very strange what you just said. I don't like it as much as that other thing you said. (Season 4 End of the World)
- Chris: You're beautiful. On the inside. Where the spirit lives. (Season 4 episode Meet 'n' Greet)
- Councilman Jamm
- Councilman Jamm: You ever heard of warrant? There's a cover band around here they call themselves Cherry Pie. Pretty sure we got their bass player. (Season 6 episode Movin' Up)
- Craig: Let's introduce ourselves. Craig Middlebrooks. Samantha in the boardroom, Miranda in the bedroom. I know it's not ideal, but it's who I am. (Season 6 episode Anniversaries)
- Craig: I want to throw up and kill myself. (Season 6 episode Fluoride)
- Dennis Feinstein
- Dennis Feinstein (playing Magnum P.I. virtual reality game): Oh, baby. That feels amazing. But I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to go. I have to meet Rick and TC at the King Kamehameha Club. Higgins is missing. (Season 7 episode Save JJ's)
- Donna: I'm about to come down on this dude like Thor's hammer Mjolnir. I'm about to go Mjolnir on his ass! (Season 6 episode Anniversaries)
- Donna Meagle
- Donna Meagle: I would like to address the goofy-Iooking, dirty-kimono-wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message? You used to be a man. You need to get your house in order. Look, I love you like a brother, but right now, I hate you like my actual brother, LeVondrious, who I hate. (Episode 3 Ron and Tammy Part 2)
- Dr. Harris & Andy
- Dr. Harris: Anything else bothering you?
Andy: Nope. Okay. Well, I mean, yeah, I've got a weird rash in my knee pit area. And my tongue, on this side, doesn't taste anything anymore. Sometimes when I walk my ankles make, like, a weird rattlesnake sound. What else? Things that are far away from my eyes are fuzzy. I once ate a Twix with the wrapper on it, and I've never seen the wrapper come out. Also I've swallowed every piece of gum that I've chewed for the past 25 years. I broke my thumb on the way over here. Just fix me.
Dr. Harris: Well, I can help you with the thumb. And I'll have to give you referrals for specialists for the other thousand things.
(Season 4 episode Campaign Ad)
- Duke Silver
- Duke Silver (Ron Swanson): A smooth and silky evening to you all. On nights like this, when the cold winds blow, and the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dreams, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz. (Season 6 episode New Slogan)
- Duke Silver: It's been a real gift making sonic love to you tonight. (Season 2 episode Practice Date)
- Duke Silver: So, come see me, come talk to me, come love with me, and maybe we can walk through fire together. (Season 2 episode Practice Date)
- Garth Blundin
- Garth Blundin: After a beat, Luke says, "Darth Vader was my father, but Ben Kenobi was my master. And he cuts Hannibal Lecter in half." (Season 5 episode Article Two)
- Garth Blundin: Imagine those who were up against Robot Chewbacca 'cause that's gonna happen. (Season 5 episode Article Two)
- Garth Blundin: If he holds the reality gem, that means he can jump from different realities. This will be our link to the Marvel Universe from the Star Wars Universe. (Season 5 episode Article Two)
- Garth Blundin: Let the filibustering begin. I would now like to share some ideas I have for J.J. Abrams' seventh chapter in the Star Wars' saga. Pan down from the twin suns of Tatooine. We are now close on the mouth of the Sarlacc Pit. After a beat, the gloved Mandalorian armor gauntlet of Boba Fett grabs onto the sand outside of the Sarlacc Pit and the feared bounty hunter pulls himself from the maw of the sand beast. (Season 5 episode Article Two)
- Ingrid De Forest
- Ingrid De Forest: It's like what Sir Ian McKellen said to me the day I sold my boat to Karl Lagerfeld, "Parting is such sweet sorrow. (Season 6 episode Second Chunce)
- Jean-Ralphio: When life gives you lemons, you sell some of your grandma's jewelry and go clubbing. (Season 6 episode London)
- Joe: There's an old sewage department saying. If you've got a nice drainpipe, there's no reason to hide it. (Season 4 episode I'm Leslie Knope)
- Leslie & Donna
- Leslie: Okay, it's time for a little Galentine's day Q&A. Donna, you pick first.
Donna: What is your favorite TV show? Well, for live tweeting, it's Scandal. For binge watching, it's Scandal. But for fashion, it's actually Scandal. My answer is Scandal.
(Season 6 episode Galentine's Day)
- Leslie & Joan
- Leslie: Joan, if we could just have a moment. We need to get ready.
Joan: Oh, no, no. We gotta go. Yeah, the uppers are kicking in. Just took some ludes to kind of smooth it out, so I'm right in that sweet spot. Got about 20 minutes before I either get really tired or really horny, so let's roll.
(Season 6 episode Anniversaries)
- Leslie & Ron
- Leslie: What are you doing here?
Ron: The most important government work I've ever done. Sanding rat urine stains out of this floor.
(Season 6 episode The Wall)
- Leslie Knope
- Leslie Knope: I am gonna build that park myself, and it is gonna be awesome. And it's not gonna have a fountain shaped like Hugo Chavez's head spitting water all over everyone. (Season 2 episode Sister City)
- Leslie Knope: By the way, maybe it's none of my business, but if you eat three pounds of steak every day, you're gonna die, and although I've already written your eulogy, and it's incredibly touching, I would prefer not to give it for a while. The first line, by the way? "O Captain! My Captain!" Ron Swanson, a Swan Song. (Season 2 episode Sweetums)
- Leslie Knope: Well, I am gonna think about a revenge plan. I know what we're gonna do. We're gonna find out where he lives. We're gonna drive to his house. We're gonna set it on fire and watch it burn. (Season 5 episode Pawnee Commons)
- Leslie Knope: I don't want to be overdramatic, but today felt like and the absolute worst day of my life. (Season 1 episode Boys' Club)
- Leslie Knope: You have five seconds to get out of here Or I will rip your throats out. (Season 5 episode Pawnee Commons)
- Leslie Knope: In a town as old as Pawnee, there's a lot of history in every acre. This wooded area is the site of, um, the murder, actually, of Nathaniel Bixby Mark. He was a pioneer who was killed by a tribe of Wamapoke Indians, after he traded them a baby for what is now Indianapolis. They cut his face off. And they made it into a dream catcher. And they made his legs into rain sticks. And that's the great thing about Indians, back then, is, they used every part of the pioneer. (Season 1 episode The Banquet)
- Leslie Knope: Maybe in your world it isn't a big deal. You're a white Protestant man with a full, rich mustache. But I am a woman and I need to hold myself up to a higher standard. (Season 1 episode Boys' Club)
- Leslie Knope: So who gives me the go-ahead to not ask for permission but ask for forgiveness? Is it Ron? No, no. (Season 2 episode KaBOOM!)
- Leslie Knope: But you know, luckily for me, I've processed all my feelings and I've gone through the five stages of grief, denial, anger, Internet commenting, cat adoption, African dance, cat-returning-to- the-adoption-place, watching all the episodes of Murphy Brown and not giving a flying fart. How many stages is that? I don't know. (Season 6 episode Second Chunce)
- Leslie Knope: Tom Haverford, boy genius. Smooth like milk chocolate. (Season 1 episode The Reporter)
- Leslie Knope: Midi-chlorians are a fictional substance found in the blood of Jedi knights from the movie Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. Which, side-note, was a terrible movie. It almost destroyed the franchise, according to my husband. (Season 5 episode Correspondents Lunch)
- Leslie Knope: Recently, the last remaining telephone booths in Pawnee were torn down, and on that patch of concrete, I am creating Pawnee's newest tourist attraction: The smallest park in Indiana. The title is currently held by Martin Luther King, Jr. Park in Terryville, but guess what? Terryville sucks old car tires, and so does Martin Luther... No, he does not suck old car tires. He was one of the greatest men in history. I'm sorry. Sometimes I get competitive. (Season 4 episode Smallest Park)
- Leslie Knope: Councilman Howser. I saw your penis. (Season 2 episode 94 Meetings)
- Leslie: They rake me over the coals. Today, I take those burning coals, I shove them back down their throats, and I watch their melting flesh drip off their worthless faces! It's all in good fun. (Season 5 episode Correspondents Lunch)
- Leslie Knope: This is like a waking nightmare of happiness. (Season 6 episode London)
- Leslie Knope: I'm a feminist, okay? I would never, ever go to a strip club. I've gone on record that if I had to have a stripper's name, it would be 'Equality'. But I'm willing to sacrifice all that I've worked for just to put a smile on your perverted little face. (Season 2 episode Tom's Divorce)
- Leslie Knope: Each year every city in Indiana is reviewed by the Department of Emergency Preparedness. And Pawnee has failed On last year's report, they stated, 'Every time it so much as drizzles in Pawnee, the town is in danger of collapsing into Thunderdome-style, post-apocalyptic mayhem.' (Season 5 episode Emergency Response)
- Leslie Knope: The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea that just ran out of steam. We had removed five cartoon penises, not even 10%, when we were shut down due to lack of funding. To this day, I am haunted by those remaining penises. One penis in particular. (Season 1 episode The Reporter)
- Leslie Knope: Winning is every girl's dream. But it's my destiny. (Season 2 episode Woman of the Year)
- Leslie Knope: Now, the sadness is pouring out of Tom, like blood from a pterodactyl after it's attacked by a T-Rex. (Season 2 episode Tom's Divorce)
- Raul: Why don't you call the park after Chavez? You know, you call it Hugo Chavez Park. And you can have a nice, big fountain of his head, so that when the water is coming out he is spitting at you all the time. You should write this down. (Season 2 episode Sister City)
- Ron & April
- Ron: When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.
April: That's a genius move.
Ron: Thank you.
April: You're welcome, Lester.
(Season 4 episode Born & Raised)
- Ron Swanson
- Ron Swanson: Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done. (Season 5 episode Article Two)
- Ron Swanson: Is Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy? (Season 7 episode Gryzzlbox)
- Ron Swanson: I call this Turf and Turf. It's a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I'm gonna consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American. (Season 2 episode Sweetums)
- Ron Swanson: Frankly, I emitted a noise. The noise was involuntary. Sometimes, a sound is just a sound. (Season 2 episode The Camel)
- Ron: I love being a father, but there are a few things I miss. Silence, the absence of noise, one single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children's TV program called Doc McStuffins. There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins. (Season 6 episode Galentine's Day)
- Ron Swanson: The whole point of this country is, if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful. (Season 2 episode Sweetums)
- Ron Swanson: Tammy is a mean person. She's a grade-A bitch. Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. (Season 2 episode Ron and Tammy)
- If you're watching this, it means that once again you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably thinking, "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together. But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices. One, get rid of Tammy, or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely. (Episode 3 Ron and Tammy Part 2)
- Ron Swanson: One day, Magnus, I will wear you as a jacket. (Season 7 episode William Henry Harrison)
- Ron Swanson: So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole? (Season 2 episode Ron and Tammy)
- Ron Swanson: These people are soft. They're grill virgins. But by the time this day is over, they'll have been taken by the grill and delicately and tenderly shown the ways of flavorful meat love. (Season 5 episode Ms. Knope Goes to Washington)
- Ron Swanson: After I got home, I drank six more glasses of whiskey and then I finished crafting this small harp, using a band saw, a spoke shave and an oscillating spindle sander… But wait, there's more. Here are some photographs of me drinking the whiskey. You'll notice I'm holding up yesterday's newspaper, so you can tell that I'm not lying. (Season 2 episode Sweetums)
- Ron Swanson: Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all along. (Season 7 episode Ron & Jammy)
- Ron Swanson: You had me at meat tornado. (Season 3 episode Flu Season)
- Ron Swanson: Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt-of-the-earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field. Your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopeses. But I will take a free breakfast buffet any time, any (Season 2 episode Tom's Divorce)
- Ron Swanson: To me, this situation is a blood-soaked, nightmarish hellscape. (Season 2 episode 94 Meetings)
- Ron Swanson: I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel-toe boot. But this hotel always serves bacon-wrapped shrimp. That's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food. I'd go to a banquet and honor of those Somali pirates, if they served bacon-wrapped shrimp. (Season 1 episode The Banquet)
- Ron Swanson: Don't like strip clubs. Smells like a wet mop in here. And I get the feeling that every one of these women is running a low-grade fever. (Season 2 episode Tom's Divorce)
- Ron Swanson: This is not government work.As such, I treat it with care and attention. (Season 6 episode Movin' Up)
- Ron Swanson: It is a beautiful night for the end of the world. (Season 4 End of the World)
- Ron: Blueprints for the future are a fool's errand. (Season 6 episode Prom)
- Special Agent Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin
- Special Agent Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin: I don't know what the problem is, Sergeant. Just drain the ocean.
- Special Agent Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin: I don't give a crap Batman, you work for me. Increase the perimeter! (Season 7 episode The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show)
- Tom: It's called peacocking. Basically, I'm wearing something that kind of makes me stand out, like a peacock. So, the girls will be like, "Hey, what's with that hat?" I'm gonna go peacock it out. (Season 1 episode The Banquet)
- Tom: Ben, stir! This is so boring! This is like listening to a TED Talk by the color beige. (Season 6 episode The Wall)
- Tom: I want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it. (Season 1 episode Boys' Club)
- Tom Haverford
- Tom Haverford: On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he? (Season 2 episode Hunting Trip)
- Tom Haverford: Leslie, you're thinking out loud again. (Season 2 episode Ron and Tammy)
- Tom Haverford: Why's it so hard to become a mogul? All I want in life is to own a nightclub on every continent, have my own line of upscale sweat suits, and a cologne called Tommy Fresh. (Season 2 episode Woman of the Year)
- Tom Haverford: Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting divorced. But now, I'm ready to pull myself up by some g-strings. (Season 2 episode Tom's Divorce)
- Tom Haverford: I want to open up my own club one day. Maybe call it something like Club-a-Dub-Dub or The Clubmarine, sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom's Bistro. (Season 2 episode Woman of the Year)
- Tom: Caterer number one's presentation was simple, yet exhausting. Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy Dutch woman guarding a dark secret… But number three's told a story, a story from a book I wouldn't read but I would watch the movie of. (Season 5 episode Ann's Decision)