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IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
2005 TV Series


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  • Dennis: Tonight we cross the plane of reality into the dimension of no place or time. (Season 3 episode The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby)

  • Dee: No, Dennis, I don't have more crack. No one in the history of crack has ever woken up in the morning with more crack. (Season 11 episode Frank Falls out the Window)

  • Dee: Oh, Karen, you bitch. You dumb idiot. You stupid savage. You're not the alpha here, you crusty-ass fool. Oh, I'm gonna cuck you so hard. Your boy toy he's mine. I will destroy you. I am a 2018 Range Rover woman. I am a golden goddess. Who are you, idiot? Savage! Idiot! (Season 13 episode The Gang Gets New Wheels)

  • Dee: Later, boners. (Season 2 episode Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare)

  • Dee: I'll see you in hell, boners. (Seaon 9 episode The Gang Saves the Day)

  • Frank: Some cocks can't be un-sucked. (Season 8 episode The Gang Recycles Their Trash)

  • Sinbad: My bad, I didn't know you was hurting like that. My bad. 'Cause I've hurt before, you've hurt before, we all hurt. So I'm just gonna break it down. I introduce myself right. That was wrong. I'm Sinbad. That's my head shot. I'll autograph it for you a little later on. And this is Sinbad's house, and you my bitch! (Season 4 episode Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life)

  • Frank: The acid's making me feel like I gotta take a dump. (Season 3 episode The Gang Gets Invincible)

  • Frank: Hey, Larry? How soon can you get to the Hyatt? My dong fell out. Some woman saw it. (Season 13 episode Time's Up for the Gang)

  • Dennis: If you do not get my sister her stories and a new room as soon as possible then I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor. The thunder of my vengeance will echo through these corridors like the gust of a thousand winds! (Season 6 episode Dee Gives Birth)

  • Cricket: I call this one Dog Three-Way, 'cause I was recently in a dog three-way. Actually, four with me, so, four-way. I was in a dog orgy. (Season 11 episode Dee Made a Smut Film)

  • Charlie: You should see Frank's balls. They're like plants. (Season 4 episode Mac's Banging the Waitress)

  • Dee: Come on! I'll show you what's final, you redneck son of a bitch! I will burn you alive like the last bitch who crossed me! (Season 9 episode Gun Fever Too: Still Hot)

  • Larry Takashi [suicide note]: It all meant nothing. (Season 14 episode Waiting for Big Mo)

  • Dennis: All right, there's that anger coming up again. I'm getting weird and arch. But that's the gang's fault. That's, that's not me. I'm fine, see? I'm I'm calm, man. I'm cool as a cucumber. It's all good. It's all good. I'm talking to myself. But that's just 'cause I've got shit to say, you know? (Season 10 episode The Gang Misses the Boat)

  • Mac: Oh, look at Sweet Dee sitting on her cloud of judgment handing down life lessons to all the sinners. (Season 2 episode Charlie Gets Crippled)

  • Charlie: Here's a confession. I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man a man called God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha. (Season 2 episode The Gang Exploits a Miracle)

  • Frank: You sound like a 12-year-old. It's a total turnoff. My cock ring is sliding off.
    Dee: Why my father is talking to me with a cinch around his penis is beyond my grasp.
    Frank: You gotta be ready for when the orgy breaks out.
    (Season 10 episode The Gang Group Dates)

  • Dennis: did you guys see Country Mac was riding his motorcycle? Badass, dude!
    Mac: No, it was reckless once again.
    Frank: He was like Batman, just zipping though cars. He beat us here by, like an hour.
    Dennis Oh, I want to get a motorcycle, man.
    Charlie: Dude, we should all get motorcycles!
    Mac: Okay, that's enough, okay, enough about Country Mac.
    (Season 9 episode Mac Day)

  • Dennis: I mean, I think this really could be a show, with your mom as the star, I mean, imagine what that would do for your mom. I mean, what do you think?
    Well, now I'm thinking about my mom starring in a show, and I like it. Um, now I'm thinking about minotaurs. Now I'm thinking about a hoagie sandwich. Now I'm thinking about a glass of water to go with the chips. How many of my thoughts do you need? Do you want me to go on and on, or
    Dennis: No, that's we're good.
    (Season 12 episode Old Lady House: A Situation Comedy)

  • Rob Thomas: Watch your ass, new-meat! (Season 4 episode Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life)

  • Dennis: You're confusing your life with Rambo again, Frank. (Season 4 episode Mac and Dennis: Manhunters)

  • Dennis: Dee? I swear you would be of more use to me if I skinned you and turned your skin into a lampshade. Or fashioned you into a piece of high-end luggage. I can even add you to my collection.
    Dee: Are you saying that you have a collection of skin luggage?
    Dennis: Of course I'm not, Dee. Don't be ridiculous. Think of the smell.
    (Season 10 episode Psycho Pete Returns)

  • Dee: I will eat your babies, bitch! (Season 2 episode Hundred Dollar Baby)

  • Pepper Jack: Oh, Pepper Jack love Fraggle Rock. (Season 3 episode Mac is a Serial Killer)

  • Waitress: Charlie Kelly, I have been waiting for this for a long time, you poop-smelling trash person. Your face, it looks like a troll! You look like you have troll features! You stalked me! There's something wrong with you! Your brain is broken! I hate you! I hope you die! And I hope you go to hell! And I hope it burns! (Season 11 episode Chardee MacDennis 2: Electric Boogaloo)

  • Charlie: I'm like a janitor at, um, I'm a full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sort of thing. (Season 5 episode The Waitress is Getting Married)

  • Charlie: Zombies. I seen it once before in a rat, and I seen it now in men. Once one gets a taste for its own kind, it can spread through the pack like a wildfire. Mindlessly chomping and biting at their own hinds. Nothing but the taste of flesh on their minds. You know the thing about a rat? It's got life in its eyes. Black eyes like a doll's eye. Don't seem to be living at all when it come at ya. Till it bites ya. And then the eyes roll over white. You don't hear nothing but the screaming and the hollering. (Season 8 episode The Maureen Ponderosa Wedding Massacre)

  • Dr. Jinx: Mother Earth don't play. (Season 8 episode Charlie's Mom Has Cancer)

  • Frank: We did a bunch of those Monster Energy drinks and dry humped. It was awful. I think she gave me poison ivy. (Season 5 episode The Gang Gives Frank and Intervention)

  • Dennis: Welcome, sexual conquest. As previously discussed, you've pressed the button on the alarm clock, signifying your permission to begin the game. A digital copy of your thumbprint has been sent as your e-signature confirming your full consent for whatever may happen to you. We've also discussed the safe word. Feel free to use it at any time but, as we both know, from your Craigslist profile, you probably won't. Good luck. (Season 13 episode The Gang Escapes)

  • Frank: Charlie, let's go get this worm out of my ass. (Season 12 episode The Gang Tends Bar)

  • Mac: The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless and you people are counting on the police? (Season 3 episode Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City)

  • Dennis: She'll be a fitting reward for me after I win the big race. Until then, Tatiana, I want you to clean yourself, for I will enter you hard and deep, and it will last for as long or as short as I please. But you will be clean. Only when you are clean will you know my power. (Season 11 episode The Gang Hits the Slopes)

  • Frank: I was hunted once. I just came back from Nam. I was hitching through Oregon and some cop started harassing me. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me through the woods. I had to take 'em all out. It was a bloodbath.
    Charlie: That's Rambo, dude.
    Frank: What?
    Charlie: You just described the plot of Rambo.
    (Season 4 episode Mac and Dennis: Manhunters)

  • Dee: I don't need to be on that list, you idiot. You piece of dirt. Who are you? I step on you. I clean you off of my shoes at night. I step on you, and then I throw away the shoe. That shoe that I just threw away, that's worth more than your worthless life, mister. And I am pissed because I loved that shoe. You dirt. You piece of subhuman shit. (Season 3 episode Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire)

  • Dee: I decided to stop showering. I just figured, What's the point? I'm just a filthy person. I passed out at the park the other day, and a couple of kids wrote, Wash me in the filth on my vagina. (Season 9 episode Reynolds vs. Reynolds: The Gang Broke Dee)

  • Sinbad: Yeah, you in hell, all right! Know what? My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's house! When you in Sinbad house, you my bitch! Yeah, you know who that is? That's Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20. Sing a song. Shut up! (Season 4 episode Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life)

  • Frank: 
Frank: Well, I don't know how many years on this earth I got left. I'm gonna get real weird with it. (Season 5 episode The Gang Gives Frank and Intervention)

  • Frank: The fastest growing marketplace is muslim extremists. (Season 12 episode Wolf Cola: A Public Relations Nightmare)

  • Mac: Charlie, what is so hard to understand? I believe that if I inseminated the right woman, our seed could potentially - through an X-Men-type genetic mutation - create a son capable of bending steel. (Season 8 episode Reynolds vs. Reynolds: The Cereal Defense)

  • Scott Bakula: How did they know That my wife took it all? And I'm not researching roles How did they know? Ziggy, if you hear me, take me far, far from here. Let me leap to '89 That was a better year. I miss my old Camaro and my mansion in Van Nuys, wish I still hung with Nash Bridges, playing poker with The Fall Guy. Oh, Ziggy, can you see my tears? Ziggy! Leave me far, far from here. (Season 12 episode The Gang Turns Black)

  • Frank: We almost got T-boned by an Asian. It was totally my fault. She did everything by the book. Very surprising. Also, Dee banged a kid. (Season 13 episode The Gang Gets New Wheels)

  • Frank: Masturbating bums are bad for business. (Season 3 episode Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City)

  • Charlie: Dude, get these guys out of here, all right? We're gonna be the father of the baby now. We're gonna be the fathers.
    Dennis: It has been decided, so sayeth Thor.
    Charlie: Thor said it.
    Frank: The who?
    Dennis: Thor.
    Frank: Who Thor?
    Charlie: Is that your Greek God reference?
    Dennis: He's a Nordic God.
    Charlie: Nordic God.
    Dennis: I said something else earlier that sounded a lot cooler than that.
    Charlie: That one didn't really work.
    (Season 6 episode Dee Gives Birth)

  • Frank: Cults are great for attracting new age tail. (Season 10 episode Ass Kickers United: Mac and Charlie Join a Cult)

  • Dennis: You don't really know what hot is, do you? Hot's a storm. You ever been in a storm, Wally? I mean, a real storm? Not a thunderstorm, but a storm of fists raining down on your head. Blasting you in the face. Pummeling you in the stomach. Hitting you in the chest so hard you think your heart's gonna stop. You ever been in a storm like that, Wally? (Season 11 episode Mac and Dennis Move to the Suburbs)

  • Dennis: We do have an American hero in the house tonight. A strong man, a brave man. He's the kind of man who knows exactly who he is. He doesn't hide under a toupee. He faces his challenges, instead of just retreating to the sewers nude to forage for rings and coins. Or to the toilets. Or to a life filled with rats. He's the kind of man who gives me the courage to do an amazing double jackknife twist, which I did. Most of you people wouldn't even attempt that. I did it. And to go down on Chrissy Orlando on the trampoline later, on the very same night, which I also did. And I licked her asshole a little bit. It was pretty good. It was all right. It wasn't great. But it was fine. And I knew that it was gonna be fine because this guy would be here to catch me if I faltered. Yeah. The world is a safer place when he's around. (Season 8 episode The Gang Dines Out)

  • Dennis: Then I busted out this sweet Thor line on this lady because she was pissing me off. It was, like, boom! I really hit her with it. And I never reference the Nordic gods. (Season 6 episode Dee Gives Birth)

  • Nurse Wendy: You ain't going nowhere. Get your narrow ass back in that waiting room before I knock you in there. You have done enough today. Crazy-ass white boy steadily dressing up folk and talking about Thor. (Season 6 episode Dee Gives Birth)

  • Dee: I'm gonna have you fired, dick hole. Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea? Or is your brain too tiny to have ideas? Is there any kind of thought roaming around in that thick, shit skull of yours? (Season 3 episode Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire)

  • Frank: Oh, whoops! Oh, I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong. (Season 5 episode The D.E.N.N.I.S. System)

  • Dee: What are you talking about? You were just telling Charlie this morning all about the, "Oh, have you seen X-Men?" and "My seed," and...
    Mac: Well, I was joking with Charlie. That could never happen in the real world, Dee. That's like, a comic book thing.
    (Season 8 episode Reynolds vs. Reynolds: The Cereal Defense)

  • Mac: Hey, I'm Mac, former party boy. Looking to get back into the party-boy scene. You want me to milk your adrenal gland? You'll go berserk. (Season 10 episode The Gang Misses the Boat)

  • Dennis Reynolds: Give me dong, or give me death. (Season 14 episode Thunder Gun 4: Maximum Cool)

  • Charlie: That's politics, bitch! (Season 2 episode The Gang Runs for Office)

  • Cricket: Well, uh, the other morning I wake up, I find a dog sniffin' at my wound. He's fully aroused, mind you. So I'm thinking, "Oh, great. What does this jerk want?"'Course I know what he wants. He's lookin' at me right in the eyes. He does not have to say it. Not that he could. I mean, does my scar look like a dog's vagina? You know? Maybe. I don't know. I'm not gonna sit here and try to get inside the mind of a dog. I mean, that's God's work. Well, not that I believe in God. I don't. Not since that China man stole my kidney. (Season 6 episode Mac's Big Break)

  • Dee: Hope you suck each other's rotten peckers until you get mouth cancer. (Season 7 episode The High School Reunion)

  • Frank: That is politics, bitch! (Season 2 episode The Gang Runs for Office)

  • Phil (cop): Sorry, pal. That's politics. (Season 2 episode The Gang Runs for Office)

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