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2003 TV Series

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  • Alan Harper: If you hope to have any kind of shot with this woman, you might want to lose the wedding ring. When it comes to dating, wedding rings are like kryptonite. If, you know, Superman was a vagina. (Season 9 episode A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes)

  • Alan Harper: Charlie, stop sniffing the paralegals. (Season 1 episode No Sniffing, No Wowing)

  • Charlie Harper: Hey, you're a teacher.
    Mia: Hey, you're a stalker.
    (Season 3 episode That Voodoo that I Do Do)

  • Charlie Harper: Hey Alan, guess what?
    Alan Harper: There is no god?
    Charlie Harper: Oh on the contrary, there is a god, and he love me long time!
    (Season 5 episode Is there a Mrs. Waffles?)

  • Charlie Harper: Welcome to the Matrix. (Season 1 episode An Old Flame with a New Wick)

  • Walden Schmidt: I could totally be Spider-Man. (Season 9 episode The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack)

  • Charlie Harper: Want me to tuck you in?
    Jake Harper: I'm too old to get tucked in, you... ass-face!
    (Season 3 episode That Voodoo that I Do Do)

  • Steven Tyler: Berta, if you're gonna do a guy in the laundry room, put a scarf on the doorknob or something. (Season 1 episode If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap)

  • Charlie Harper: I guess your hearing is more acute when your nuts are on the line. (Season 3 episode Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop)

  • Charlie Harper: To the Batcave, Alfred. (Season 2 episode Zejdź z Moich Włosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair)

  • Dan Fielding: Some help we were. Operation Dork. (Season 7 episode The Blues of the Birth)

  • Charlie Harper: Whoa, slow down. Well, how drunk is she? Really? Batman drunk? (Season 2 episode That Old Hosebag is My Mother)

  • Charlie Harper: You know what that smell is? Epiphany for men. (Season 3 episode Something Salted and Twisted)

  • Charlie Harper: Oh, smells like one of us just crapped our pants, I sure hope it's you. (Season 2 episode Yes, Monsignor)

  • Alan Harper: Alright, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go on a blind double date with you.
    Charlie Harper: Why not?
    Alan Harper: Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader and I got her sister, the Incredible Hulk?
    Charlie Harper: She really took a shine to you.
    Alan Harper: Sure did. "Sara like puny Alan."
    (Season 1 episode Sara Like Puny Alan)

  • Charlie Harper: Who's smiling now, shorty? (Pilot episode)

  • Walden Schmidt: Okay, flame off, Human Torch. (Season 12 episode Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight)

  • Jake Harper: Want a glass of peanut butter? (Season 1 episode Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell)

  • Alan Harper: After dinner, I was thinking we could light a fire. Don't worry, I've got all the wood we need. (Season 10 episode Another Night With Neil Diamond)

  • Berta: As long as we're discussing dining choices, why don't you bite me? (Season 3 episode Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs)

  • Alan Harper: When I moved in here, I said it was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Jake. And you said, "I understand."
    Charlie Harper: Alan, there's something you should know about me. When I say I understand, it doesn't mean I agree. It doesn't mean I understand. It doesn't even mean I'm listening.
    Alan Harper: Then why do you say it?
    Charlie Harper: It seems to make people happy, and that's what I'm all about.
    Alan Harper: That's very altruistic, but I would prefer if you'd just be straight with me.
    Charlie Harper: Fine.
    Alan Harper: All I'm asking is that you keep in mind that we have an impressionable 10-year-old boy living here.
    Charlie Harper: I understand.
    Alan Harper: Thank you.
    (Season 1 episode If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake)

  • Walden Schmidt: Wow, this looks like Charlie Sheen's house. (Season 10 episode Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon.)

  • Charlie Harper: When did I become the family dog? (Season 1 episode Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?)

  • Alan Harper: Hey, what's that splattered all over your shirt?
    Charlie Harper: Coffee and breast milk.
    Alan Harper: What happened? Did Starbucks merge with Hooters? Hooterbucks - I'd like a Double-D cup Latte, please.
    (Season 2 episode Yes, Monsignor)

  • Jake Harper: The names Kanockers. Vod Kanockers. (Season 4 episode Who's Vod Kanockers?)

  • Alan Harper: What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
    Jake Harper: Well, you must be like the Hulk.
    (Season 7 episode Gumby with a Pokey)

  • Ms. Seabury [immediately after sex with Alan, before she dies]: I want my watch back (Season 3 episode Madame and her Special Friend)

  • Alan Harper: I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women. Ironically, not my mother. (Season 2 episode A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise)

  • Alan Harper: Hi, I'm Alan. I'm a back doctor, but that doesn't mean I can't check out your front. (Season 10 episode My Bodacious Vidalia)

  • Alan Harper: Fitful nights sleep in alcohol island? (Season 6 episode The Ocu or the Pado?)

  • Laura Lang: Laura Lang.
    Charlie Harper: Charlie Harper. Hey, didn't you used to date Superman?
    That's Lana Lang. She was Superbly's girlfriend. And guys have been using that tired old line on me since the fifth grade.
    Did it ever work?
    (Season 1 episode No Sniffing, No Wowing)

  • Alan Harper: I'm a love bear. If I stop making love, I prevent forest fires. (Season 2 episode Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers)

  • Artie Pliskin: The Wiggles can kiss my pasty white tushie! (Season 5 episode Is there a Mrs. Waffles?)

  • Lieutenant Wagner: See you at the gym.
    Walden Schmidt: Okay, hasta la vista.
    (Season 12 episode Of Course He's Dead)

  • Charlie Harper: This conversation is over.
    Jake Harper: Not if I keep talking.
    (Season 3 episode Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts)

  • Charlie Harper: People who live in fat asses shouldn't throw waffles. (Season 3 episode Santa's Village of the Damned)

  • Evelyn Harper: So, I am zipping up my boots, and I am about to go onstage when this hausfrau from Tone-Deaf, Texas gets up, and starts singing my song. I think you can imagine how unhappy I was. (Season 1 episode Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?)

  • Walden Schmidt: Come on.
    Alan Harper: Again, come on?
    Walden Schmidt: I might need your help getting in a window.
    Alan Harper: Now, I'm Spider-Man.
    (Season 9 episode People Who Love Peepholes)

  • Brooke: It's like you're the Hulk, but only your balls got angry. (Season 11 episode Tazed in the Lady Nuts)

  • Alan Harper: The Price of Healthy Gums is Eternal Vigilance. (Season 2 episode The Price of Healthy Gums is Eternal Vigilance)

  • Charlie Harper: Nice to see you again. Good luck with the penis. (Season 1 episode An Old Flame with a New Wick)

  • Charlie Harper: Well that attitude is why you sleep alone with a copy of Monster Boobs magazine under your pillow.
    Alan Harper: Stay out of my room
    (Season 3 episode That Voodoo that I Do Do)

  • Pawn broker: My sphincter's tight with anticipation. (Season 9 episode A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes)

  • Berta: You smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass. (Season 3 episode My Tongue is Meat)

  • Alan Harper: Let's get you back to the Bat Cave, or whatever cave you crawled out of. (Season 2 episode That Old Hosebag is My Mother)

  • Alan Harper: Listen, would you mind recording my answering machine message for me?
    James Earl Jones: That'll be an extra $500.
    Alan Harper: That's okay, I'm rich now.
    James Earl Jones: All right, what do you want, uh, This is CNN, or, Luke, I'm your father?
    (Season 6 episode The Devil's Lube)

  • Charlie Harper: I didn't need a reason to drink tonight, but it's nice to know I've got one. (Season 2 episode The Price of Healthy Gums is Eternal Vigilance)

  • Walden Schmidt: What if we were more than friends?

    Alan Harper: Like super friends?
    (Season 12 episode The Ol' Mexican Spinach)

  • Alan Harper: My point is, you can be whoever you want to be.
    Walden Schmidt: I've never thought about it like that.
    Alan Harper: Of course not. Why would Superman want to be Clark Kent?
    (Season 10 episode One Nut Johnson)

  • Charlie Harper: It's been fun, but I am officially resigning as the mayor of Booger Town. (Season 1 episode Twenty-five Little Pre-pubers without a Snootful)

  • Evelyn Harper: The woman I paid to raise you did not raise a fool. (Season 12 episode A Chic Bar in Ibiza)

  • Walden Schmidt: When Bridget and I first got together, we were pretty broke, so we exchanged these cheap bands. But then after I made my first million, I got matching ones made out of rhodium and platinum. In retrospect, I probably should have had them made out of pop and tears.
    Alan Harper: What's rhodium?
    Walden Schmidt: It's the most expensive metal in the world. To symbolize how precious our love was.
    Alan Harper: That was very romantic. But again, Lex Luthor for lady parts.
    (Season 9 episode A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes)

  • Charlie Harper: Congratulations Alan, you've managed to take the fun out of boobs. (Season 1 episode If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake)


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