- Laurie: Cosmetology school is too hard!
- Hyde: You can say much by saying very little, grasshopper.
- Red: Are you taking a beer?
Steven: Hey, focus man! He's dating your daughter!
- Hyde: I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man.
- Donna: I hope she didn't give me like slut rabies!
- Caroline: Hey Eric- Lookin' good. Call me.
- Red: Jedi Knight, phhh. Jedi dumbass.
- Fez (holding 2 bowling balls): Hey guys - My balls are black and blue.
- Fez: You are not a man!
- Fez: Once you go Fez, you never go back. That rhymes in my language.
- Red: How'd you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?
Bob: I wouldn't, wo be quite honest with you.
Red: It's free.
- Hyde: You can't teach someone how to be zen. You can only learn how to be zen.
- Eric: Let's turn that frown upside down. Let's have super hot sex, baby. (episode Romantic Weekend)
- Jackie Burkhart: Michael, I have some bad news... I just found out I have BHD.
Michael Kelso: BHD?
Jackie Burkhart: Yeah, Brittle Hair Disease. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow and get all my hair shaved off.
Michael Kelso: So... you'll be...
Jackie Burkhart: Bald, Michael. B-A-L-D. No hair, shiny head, bald... And my hair... won't ever grow back either. Will you still love me when I'm bald?
- Kelso (holding 2 bowling balls): Hey guys- I've got ten pound balls. (episode The Trials Of Michael Kelso)
- Red: Kitty says that if you too want to see each other there's nothing I can do about it, but she's wrong because I can kill you. That's a joke, Kelso. You should laugh when I tell a joke.
- Eric: See Donna, size doesn't matter.
Donna: Oh, you don't have to tell me.
- Hyde: Where zen ends, ass-kicking begins.
- Jackie: Fez, I'm cold.
Fez: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a rat's ass.
- Kelso: The unsung heroes of the new west. (episode The Trials of Michael Kelso)
- Red: If you don't want to wear your ass for a hat, you'd better get upstairs.
- Hyde: I'm an original. I'm a Warhol. You're just a print.
- Derek (the fictional Eric): Ready thyself. On this night we fornicate.
- Fez (holding 2 bowling balls): Hey guys- My balls have holes in them.
- Hyde: If you really want to get under her skin you have to be zen.
Jackie: Zen? ok, you can't just make up words, Hyde.
- Kelso: What father wouldn't like the guy that's nailing his daughter?
- Red: At this rate I'm gonna have a heart attack even before I get my jetpack!
- Jackie (according to Kelso): Somethin', somethin', never wanna see you again, blah, blah, blah.
- Fez (holding 2 bowling balls): Hey guys - my balls have writing on them.