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SEINFELD 1989 TV Series

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  • Sharon: You know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately.
    Jerry: I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane.
    (Season 4 episode The Outing)

  • Jerry: My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the starship Enterprise. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control. That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurtling through space in your living room watching TV. The aliens were always dropping in because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen. They'd come over Friday nights. Klingon boxing. Got to be there. (Season 2 episode The Apartment)

  • Kramer: Boy, that Hennigan's goes down smooth and afterwards, you don't even smell. That's right, folks. I just had three shots of Hennigan's, and I don't smell. Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's, the no-smell, no-tell Scotch. (Season 3 episode The Red Dot)

  • Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt. (Season 8 episode The Little Kicks)

  • George: You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after people: Hazel and Filbert. (Season 6 episode The Couch)

  • George: Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents don't approach strange women. (Season 5 episode The Opposite)

  • Kramer: I'm H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (Season 9 The Puerto Rican Day)

  • Sidra: He's one of those guys who is obsessed with neatness and order. Everything has gotta be just so. He would have made a great Nazi.
    Elaine: Hey, does he ever talk about Superman?
    Sidra: Yes. How did you know?
    Elaine: I know the type.
    (Season 4 episode The Implant)

  • Jerry: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car!
    George: You're selling the car!?
    Jerry: You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything I can get for it.
    (Season 4 episode The Smelly Car)

  • Jerry: There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character. (Season 3 episode The Parking Garage)

  • George: All right, all right, let's get into panic mode! (Season 7 episode The Rye)

  • Elaine: You never said you were fighting children.
    Kramer: Well, it's not the size of the opponent, Elaine, it's, uh, the ferocity.
    Elaine: This is what you used to build me up? This is where you got all that stupid katra stuff?
    Kramer: No, no. That's from, uh, Star Trek III The Search for Spock.
    Elaine: Search for Spock?
    Kramer: Yeah, I know Jerry will tell you that The Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me, I always...
    Elaine: You doofus!
    (Season 8 episode The Foundation)

  • Jerry: Ready to go Lois?
    Lois: You really like to say my name? Don't you?
    Jerry: Excuse me, Lois. Stand back, Lois. Jimmy's in trouble, Lois.
    (Season 6 episode The Race)

  • Jerry: Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend. (Season 9 episode The Finale)

  • Jerry: It was unbelievable. You're right the jokes kept bouncing off her like Superman.
    Elaine: See, what did I tell ya?
    Jerry: And even when she did like something, she doesn't laugh. She says, "That's funny" ...That's funny!
    (Season 6 episode The Switch)

  • Lois: Would you be able to come all the way downtown again in rush hour to pick me up?
    Jerry: Well, I'd have to be Superman to do that, Lois.
    (Season 6 episode The Race)

  • Jerry: The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury! (Season 5 episode The Mango)

  • George: The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. (Season 5 episode The Marine Biologist)

  • Jerry: What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these, like Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery. (Season 7 episode The Seven)

  • Kramer: Sorry I couldn't get out of there, what did I miss?
    Darren: Well, after ordering, Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether or not Iron Man wore some sort under garment between his skin and his iron suit.
    Kramer: Uh huh.
    George: And I still say he's naked under there!
    Jerry: Oh that makes a lot of sense.
    George: Oh, shut up!
    (Season 9 episode The Voice)

  • Jerry: Who are you, Diana Ross?
    George: I dress based on mood.
    Jerry: But you essentially always wear the same thing.George: Seemingly. But, within that basic framework, there are a number of subtle variations, visible only to the trained observer, that reveal the many moods, the many shades, of George Costanza.
    Jerry: And what is this?
    George: This is morning mist.
    (Season 4 episode The Trip)

  • Jerry: Booing and hissing are not part of the show. You boo puppets. You hiss villains in silent movies. (Season 5 episode The Fire)

  • Jerry: If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. You're like Lex Luthor. (Season 2 episode The Revenge)

  • Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
    George: I never heard him say anything funny.
    Jerry: It's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed. I'm sure he's got super humor.
    George: You would think that, but either you're born with humor or you're not.
    Jerry: It's not gonna change. Even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth. Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of the Earth?
    George: I don't know. But he ain't funny.
    (Season 1 episode The Stock Tip)

  • George: Women don't want to see need. They want a take-charge guy. A colonel, a kaiser, a czar. (Season 2 episode The Phone Message)

  • George: Would you like a quesadilla?

  • George: I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off.

  • Jerry: Absolutely. But I feel I must inform you that what happened last night was more than a simple bet.
    Elaine: What are you talking about?
    Jerry: Come on. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars? He made a bet he knew he was going to lose just to take you to dinner.
    Elaine: If he wanted to ask me out why didn't he just ask me?
    Jerry: Because if he doesn't ask you out he doesn't get rejected. He has found a dating loop hole.
    (Season 7 episode The Calzone)

  • Elaine: Health cookies are those little dustboard fructose things. (Season 2 episode Chinese Restaurant)

  • Jerry: Women don't respect salad eaters. (Season 7 episode The Wink)

  • George: I got greedy. I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.

  • Kramer: Now what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.
    George: My little man doesn't know.
    Kramer: The little man knows all.
    George: My little man's an idiot.
    (Season 4 episode The Pick)

  • Elaine: It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane.
    Jerry: Where did you see that? Those are private!
    (Season 9 episode The Cartoon)

  • George: Like I don't know that I'm pathetic.

  • George: If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all.

  • Kramer: Alright, fine, you sit there and you watch while Newman takes over the world. But he'd be a horrible leader. And you know who's going to suffer? The little people. You and George.

  • George: A man without hand is not a man. I've got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves.

  • George: I can't believe you're really going out with a woman named Lois.
    Jerry: I know, finally.
    (Season 6 episode The Race)

  • Jerry: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get.

  • Elaine: Fish don't feel any pain. (Season 3 episode The Stranded)

  • George: What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on the land, or was he just restricted to water?
    Jerry: No, I think I saw him on land a couple times.
    (Season 2 episode The Deal)

  • Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt. (Season 8 episode The Little Kicks)

  • George: So, attractive one day, not attractive the next?
    Jerry: Have you come across this?
    George: Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome. She's a two-face.
    Jerry: Like the Batman villain?
    George: If that helps you.
    (Season 9 episode The Strike)

  • Jerry: That is one tough monkey. (Season 3 episode The Library)

  • George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality... It's fabulous. (Season 2 episode The Jacket)

  • George: I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all! (Season 4 episode The Visa)

  • Jerry: Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing. (Season 4 episode The Visa)

  • Jerry: Do your thing there where you lie to everyone. (Season 6 episode The Pledge Drive)

  • George: You know what - even if you killed somebody, I wouldn't turn you in. (Season 7 episode The Postponement)

  • Jerry: So, what's this guy about?
    Elaine: I don't know. He wouldn't tell me his phone number, where he worked. I'll bet he's in a relationship.
    Jerry: Or he's a crime fighter safeguarding his secret identity. Elaine, you could be dating the Green Lantern!
    Elaine: Which one is he?
    Jerry: Green suit, power ring.
    Elaine: I don't care for jewelry on men.
    (Season 9 episode The Strong Box)

  • George (The Tatiana Story, Part 1): So we start to fool around and it's the first time, and it's early in the going and I begin to perceive this impending intestinal requirement whose needs are going to surpass, by great lengths, anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening, I'm thinking even if I can somehow manage to momentarily extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need... (Season 2 episode The Chinese Restaurant)

  • Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry. You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really, really fast. (Season 9 episode The Strike)

  • Kramer: Oh, this power! Look what I'm doing! I'm dangerous, Jerry! I'm very very dangerous! (Season 5 episode The Conversion)

  • Elaine: I wanna slide my tongue around you like a snake. (Season 3 episode The Tape)

  • George: It's a machine! The little light is blinking right now, 'Come and listen to the idiot! Hey everybody, the idiot's on! (Season 2 episode The Phone Message)

  • Elaine: Karate?
    Kramer: Yeah, karate. I had no support. Not from him, not from Newman, no one. The first time I sparred with an opponent, I was terrified. My legs, they were like noodles. But then I looked inside, and I found my katra.
    Elaine: Katra?
    Kramer: Yeah, your spirit, your, uh, being. The part of you that says, Yes, I can!
    Jerry: Sammy Davis had it.
    Kramer: So I listened to my katra and now I'm dominating the dojo. I'm class champion.
    Elaine: Well, you know, I, I have watched Peterman run the company.
    Kramer: Sure you have.
    Elaine: I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that.
    Kramer: You follow your katra, and you can do anything. Now get out of here.
    Elaine: Okay.
    (Season 8 episode The Foundation)

  • Jerry: It's tough to do a good deed. Just look at your professional good deed doers. Your lone rangers, your Superman, your Batman, your Spider-Man, your Elastic Man. They are all wearing disguises, masks over their faces. Secret identities. Don't want people to know who they are. It's too much aggravation. "Superman, thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here, I've got a security deposit. What am I supposed to do?" (Season 3 episode The Cafe)

  • George: The Rosses have started up a foundation, Jerry, and I have to sit on the board of directors.
    Jerry: Hey, board of directors. Look at you!
    George: Yeah! Look at me! I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist, eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery!
    Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
    George: Don't you see? I'm back in.
    Jerry: All because of Wrath of Khan?
    George: Yes!
    Jerry: Well, it was the best of those movies.
    George: KHAN!
    (Season 8 episode The Foundation)

  • Kramer: Say, you got a big job interview and you're nervous. Throw back a couple of shots of Hennigan's and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it'll be our little secret. (Season 3 episode The Red Dot)

  • Elaine: This guy Todd Gack. I won a bet from him.
    Jerry: What bet?
    Elaine: He bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars.
    Jerry: Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars? Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader? I don't think so.
    Elaine: That's what I said.
    (Season 7 episode The Calzone)

  • Elaine: You don't understand. See, she hasn't changed at all. She stole my boyfriend when I was in high school. I was at this party, and I was dating this really cute guy, his name was Tom Cosley, by the way, and she goes walking by, in this little floozy outfit, and he follows her, right out the door!
    Jerry: She's your Lex Luthor!
    (Season 7 The Caddy)

  • George: Well, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely! My kids are gonna go crazy. I, uh, I wonder if I could see the bathrooms. Preferably one with some paint thinner and, uh, some rags? (Season 9 episode The Puerto Rican Day)

  • Frank Costanza: You know what I like about Manhattan? No mosquitoes. (Season 6 episode The Chinese Woman)

  • Jerry: People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public. (Season 6 episode The Big Salad)

  • Kramer: Did I frighten you? I may look weird, but I'm just like you. I'm just a regular guy, just trying to make it in this business. (Season 4 episode The Trip)

  • Elaine: I'm crazy for doing this!
    Jerry: Well, you want to get your organizer back don't you?
    Elaine: Why are you so interested, you want to take her out?
    Jerry: You know when Superman saves someone, no one asks if he's trying to hit on her!
    Elaine: Well you're not Superman.
    Jerry: Well you're not Lois Lane.
    (Season 5 episode The Marine Biologist)

  • Kramer: Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids. (Season 5 episode The Opposite)

  • Greg: Oh, I see… you're friends with the urinator, aren't you? (Season 5 episode The Wife)

  • George: Who's this, Blue Arrow?
    Elaine: Green Lantern.
    Jerry: We found out his super power was lack of money.
    Elaine: All right.
    Jerry: He's invulnerable to creditors.
    Elaine: We get it.
    Jerry: He's the 'Got-no-Green' Lantern.
    Elaine: Thank you.
    Jerry: Hey, Elaine. Maybe his girlfriend is Lois Loan.
    Elaine: Well crafted.
    (Season 9 episode The Strong Box)

  • Elaine: So Jerome, I did a little snooping around for you.
    Jerry: Ah, what did you find out, Lois?
    (Season 6 episode The Mom and Pop Store)

  • Jerry: If I like their race, how can that be racist? (Season 6 episode The Chinese Woman)

  • Jerry: Oh, you're crazy.
    Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
    Jerry: It's impossible!
    Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
    Jerry: It can't be!
    Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
    Jerry: All right. That's enough.
    (Season 5 episode The Stall)

  • George: She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice. But women don't want nice.

  • Kramer: Hey, a rule is a rule, and let's face it, without rules there's chaos. (Season 6 episode The Big Salad)

  • Mr. Thomassoulo: George, you're not really handicapped, are you?
    George: I've had my difficulties.
    Mr. Thomassoulo: I saw you running down Amsterdam Avenue lifting that 200 pound motorized cart with one hand.
    George: Mr. Thomassoulo during times of great stress, people are capable of super human strength. Have you ever seen the Incredible Hulk, sir?
    Mr. Thomassoulo: No.
    George: How about the old Spider Man live action show?
    (Season 9 episode The Voice)

  • Jerry: Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony. It's a wonderful thing, isn't it? (Season 5 episode The Dinner Party)

  • Jerry: This guy's belching out vitamins… and this whole Justice League, Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman. You mean to tell me Superman can't cover everything? For crying out loud, he's Superman. (Season 5 episode The Stand-In)

  • Donald the Bubble Boy: How about taking your top off. (Season 4 episode The Bubble Boy)

  • Jerry: Oh. I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller. (Season 6 episode The Chaperone)

  • J. Peterman: Oh, my neck is one gargantuan monkey fist. (Season 8 episode The Foundation)

  • George: Go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric. What kind of name is that for a clown? (Season 5 episode The Fire)

  • Jerry: Holy Cow! (Season 4 episode The Bubble Boy)

  • Christie: Here we are.
    Jerry: Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude.
    (Season 7 episode The Seven)

  • George: We're living in a society! (Season 2 episode Chinese Restaurant)

  • George: You know how the big toe is the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot. (Season 3 episode The Tape)

  • Elaine: He is a friend, Jerry. He is reliable. He is considerate. He's like your exact opposite.
    Jerry: So he's Bizarro Jerry!
    Elaine: Bizarro Jerry?
    Jerry: Yeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards bizarro world. Up is Down. Down is Up. He says Hello when he leaves, Good bye when he arrives.
    Elaine: Shouldn't he say Bad bye? Isn't that the, opposite of Good bye?
    Jerry: No. It's still a goodbye.
    Elaine: Does he live underwater?
    Jerry: No.
    Elaine: Is he black?
    Jerry: Look. Just, forget it, all right?
    (Season 8 episode The Little Kicks)

  • Kramer: One never knows how the gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function. (Season 7 episode The Rye)

  • George: You know, I think we really need to be in front of a television set. You take TV out of this relationship, it is just torture. (Season 6 episode The Fusilli Jerry)

  • Jerry: Uptight? Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party. (Season 9 episode The Finale)

  • George: Hey. How's your day, good?
    Jerry: Actually, yeah. I'm meeting Mulva here in a few minutes.
    George: So, uh, Wrath of Khan, huh?
    Jerry: Yeah. Was that a beauty or what?
    George: What was that line again? Something about finding your way in a shadow?
    Jerry: No, no, no, it's: She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
    George: That's it. That's the line that destroyed my life.
    (Season 8 episode The Foundation)

  • George: She probably never heard it. Don't you see what this means? It's like the whole thing never happened. It's like when Superman reversed the rotation of the earth to save Lois Lane!
    Jerry: Are you gonna say it again?
    George: That's the question, Jimmy.
    (Season 6 episode The Face Painter)

  • Jerry: You know, it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that could help you get girls. But you also have a relationship. But if you get rid of the relationship so you can get girls you lose the job… You see the irony? (Season 4 episode The Virgin)

  • George: All right, you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let's get nuts! (Season 9 episode The Wizard)

  • George's answering machine message: Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone, where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home. (Season 8 episode The Susie)

  • Newman: Oh the humanity! (Season 8 episode The Pothole)

  • George: When women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something. And I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back. I don't know what to do. (Season 2 episode The Phone Message)

  • George: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. It's not complicated.

  • Helena: It was a Three Stooges short. Sappy Pappies. I played Mr. Sugarman's secretary, remember? The boys played three sailors who find a baby. The baby's been kidnapped, and the police think they did it. Of course, they didn't do it. The police have made an awful mistake. Moe hits Curly with an ax. he Stooges catch the kidnappers. But it's too late. The baby's dead. The boys are sent to death row and are executed. I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary. It was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all. (Season 4 episode The Trip)

  • Elaine: Maybe the dingo ate your baby. (Season 3 episode The Stranded)

  • Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than puttin' on a pair of pants. My question to you is: who's puttin' your pants on? (Season 3 episode The Alternate Side)

  • Elaine: Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they did the song about?
    Jerry: Edmund Fitzgerald.
    Elaine: I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.
    Jerry: No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship.
    Elaine: I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.
    Jerry: Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens.
    (Season 8 episode The Andrea Doria)

  • Kramer: It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, then screwed you all back together again and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite. (Season 5 episode The Pie)

  • George: We're in trouble now.
    Kramer: Why?
    George: Elaine.
    Kramer: What about her?
    George: I'm a little scared of her.
    (Season 5 episode The Dinner Party)

  • Jerry: I'm being audited.
    Elaine: You're being audited? What for?
    Jerry: Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's really very boring.
    Elaine: When was this?
    Jerry: A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
    Elaine: I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date.
    (Season 3 episode The Truth)

  • Jerry: I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky. (Season 4 episode The Bubble Boy)

  • George: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?

  • George: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. That's a fantasy camp.

  • George (The Tatiana Story, Part 2): So I finally stop and say: "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I think it would be best if I left." So I'm dressing, and she's staring up at me struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure her. And worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am, in reality, Batman. And I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat Signal. (Season 2 episode The Chinese Restaurant)

  • Elaine: What is that?
    Puddy: It's my new coat.
    Elaine: You ditched the fur?
    Puddy: Yeah, I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check it out! 8-Ball! You got a question, you ask the 8-Ball.
    Elaine: You're gonna wear this all the time?
    Puddy: All signs point to Yes!
    (Season 9 episode The Reverse Peephole)

  • Elaine: This isn't a very good time, George.
    George: I just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute.
    Tony: Step off, George. I don't wanna see you.
    George: Me? Step off?
    Elaine: Yeah, Tony says you better step off George.
    George: But.. why? It wasn't my fault… You asked me for a sandwich… I made such delicious sandwiches.
    Tony: Just beat it dude!
    George (handing Elaine a comic book): Elaine, here here, it's Superman. Tony, please, next time it'll just be the two of us.
    Tony: There won't be any next time, George.
    George: Oh, Tony, don't.
    Elaine: Okay, step off, George, can you just step off?
    (Season 5 episode The Stall)

  • Jerry: George, we're trying to have a civilization here.

  • Jerry: Hey, how you doing, buddy? You need anything?You want me to go out, get you a Superman comic? (Season 2 episode The Heart Attack)

  • Jerry: This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel. (Season 5 episode The Pie)

  • Jerry: It seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting, the whole thing is about the sitting down. I would really like to sit down with you. I think we need to sit down and talk. Why don't you come in, and we'll sit down. Well, sometimes the sitting down doesn't work. People get mad at the sitting.You know, we've been sitting here for I don't know how long. How much longer are we just going to sit here? I'll tell you what I think we should do. I think we should all sleep on it. Maybe we're not getting down low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work. (Season 9 episode The Finale)

  • George: You know what I'd like to do? I'd really like to have sex with a tall woman. I mean really tall, like a giant. Like 6'5". (Season 3 episode The Boyfriend)

  • Newman: All right! But hear me and hear me well - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little play world, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching - watching as it all comes crumbling down. (Season 9 episode The Finale)

  • George: We're collectors. We see objects of great beauty and we must have them. (Season 5 episode The Cigar Store Indian)

  • Lt. Bookman: You'd better not screw up again, Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle. (Season 3 episode The Library)

  • Jerry: You know, they're doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days. I'd be happy to set up a meet and greet.

  • George: I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met. (Season 5 episode The Opposite)

  • Ricky: Elaine! Hello! You look scrumptious.

  • George: Well, at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about. (Season 2 episode Chinese Restaurant)

  • Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.

  • George: Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That's how disturbed I am! (Season 4 episode The Visa)

  • George: What were you saying to the Rosses over there, anyway?
    Jerry: Oh, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
    George: What is that?
    Jerry: Star Trek II.
    George: Wrath of Khan!
    Jerry: Right. Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap him up in a towel, and they shoot him out the bowel of the ship in that big sunglasses case.
    George: That was a hell of a thing when Spock died.
    Jerry: Yeah.
    (Season 8 episode The Foundation)

  • George: It's a different world when you're with a cool guy. (Season 5 episode The Stall)

  • Jerry: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

  • Lt. Bookman: Let me tell you something, funny boy. You know that little stamp? The one that says New York Public Library? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole helluva lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before - flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. (Season 3 episode The Library)

  • Elaine: Hey, what if he's married?
    Jerry: Kramer?
    Elaine: No, the Green Lantern.
    (Season 9 episode The Strong Box)

  • Elaine: Hey Todd, let me ask you a question. Was this whole date thing just a way of asking me out?
    Todd: What?
    Elaine: I mean, Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars?
    Todd: Elaine, that was a legitimate bet, and I lost so I bought you dinner.
    (Season 7 episode The Calzone)

  • Jerry: Did God say to Moses, "Thou shalt not pick?"

  • George: Have you ever given your code to anyone?
    Jerry: No one's ever asked. You want it? It's Jor-El.
    George: Superman's father on Krypton.
    Jerry: Of course.
    (Season 7 episode The Secret Code)

  • Jerry: It's a nipple. A little round circular protuberance. What's the big deal? See everybody's got them. See, I got them.

  • George: We're like rats in some experiment. (Season 3 episode The Parking Garage)

  • Jerry: In the whole world right now there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think on this entire planet that you're one of those three? (Season 4 episode The Implant)

  • Frank Costanza: I will not tolerate infestation! (Season 5 episode The Raincoats)

  • Mr. Ross: My father built that cabin in 1947. My mother was recuperating from impetigo at the time and Dad thought it would be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air. She died there the following winter. And Dad passed away His last words to me were, "Cherish the cabin." Not, "Take care of your sister." She's a paraplegic. But, "Cherish the cabin." And I have, for 45 years. It's often been a sanctuary for me.
    George: Kind of like Superman's Fortress of Solitude.
    Mr. Ross: What?
    George: Superman. He built a Fortress of Solitude up at the North Pole to, you know, sort of get away from it all.
    (Season 4 episode The Cheever Letters)

  • George: Too bad you can't get your buddy Superman to fly around the Earth at super speed and reverse time. Get all the money back, could've avoided the whole trip to Vermont.
    Elaine: Superman can go back in time?
    Jerry: We went over that.
    (Season 1 episode The Stock Tip)

  • George: I'm just fine. Just get a little nervous on the weekends, that's all. (Season 7 episode The Rye)

  • Jerry: I'm a man who respects a good coma. (Season 3 episode The Suicide)

  • Sid: Never mind who I am. I know who I am. Do you know who you are? (Season 3 episode The Parking Space)

  • Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away!

  • Lois: So you were the fastest kid in school.
    Jerry: Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois.
    (Season 6 episode The Race)

  • Elaine: I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.

  • Lt. Bookman: Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Why's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. What about that kid, sitting down, opening a book right now in a branch of the local library and finding pictures of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld. (Season 3 episode The Library)


The Fiction Empire / Concept & Design by MADASIAM Productions © 1999. All Rights Reserved.