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1975 TV Series

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  • Jack Handey: If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

  • Jack Handey: The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

  • Jack Handey: What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

  • Kylo Ren: Hi. I'm Matt. I'm a radar technician. (Host Adam Driver, Undercover Boss: Starkiller Base)

  • Howard Gayle: It looks like there are at least a dozen police cars following close behind the president right now.
    Lisa Anderson: Why don't they just pull him over?
    Howard Gayle: Well, this is a volatile situation. If they spook the president, he could unleash an army of Proud Boys and flag-waving trucks. He's like Aquaman, but instead of fish, he can summon the entire parking lot of a Cracker Barrel.
    (Episode 11/7/2020 host Dave Chapelle)

  • Jack Handey: I'd rather be rich than stupid.

  • Jack Handey: If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

  • Jack Handey: The crows are calling me again, thought Caw.

  • Jack Handey: Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

  • Baby Yoda: Baby Groot, we ain't friends. I know you still talking smack about me and I just want to ay, your Tik Toks are cringe, bro. My bro's like, yo you see this? I was like, yep. Honestly, it's all love, I'm not a hater. But if you say my name one more time, I'll kill you. (Episode 10/31/2020)

  • Kylo Ren: We get so caught up in restoring the galaxy to its rightful state, that we miss what's going on behind the scenes. I'm looking forward to having some real talk with some real folks. (Host Adam Driver, Undercover Boss: Starkiller Base)

  • Jack Handey: When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

  • Jack Handey: He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."

  • Jack Handey: Laurie got offended that I used the word puke. But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

  • Linda Richman: Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir was neither Mormon, a tabernacle, or a choir. Discuss. (Sketch: Coffee Talk)

  • Jack Handey: If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

  • Jack Handey: Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

  • Jack Handey: Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

  • Jack Handey: It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

  • George W. Bush: I'm gonna be around for a long time. On the job, making the tough decisions 24/7. That's 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

  • Jack Handey: One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

  • Captain Kirk: It has been six months since the Enterprise has been sold to Marriott Corporation as a revolving theme restaurant. It has been difficult for my crew but they have adjusted admirably. (Host William Shatner 12/20/86 Star Trek V: The Restaurant Enterprise)

  • Jack Handey: Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

  • Jack Handey: If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

  • Bill Clinton: You got it made in the shade with pink lemonade, and I do mean pink. (Host Alec Baldwin)

  • Jack Handey: To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

  • Jack Handey: Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?

  • Jack Handey: When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

  • Jack Handey: I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

  • Jack Handey: The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called Dad. We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

  • Jack Handey: I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

  • Jack Handey: Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

  • Jack Handey: Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says, "You". After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

  • Jack Handey: As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head!

  • Jack Handey: If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, probably because of something you did.

  • Chevy Chase: Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not.

  • Jack Handey: You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

  • Jack Handey: If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

  • Jack Handey: Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

  • Jack Handey: If you ever drop your keys in a pool of molten lava, let 'em go. Cause man, they're gone.

  • Bill Clinton: Hey, who are you? I used to be the president. (Host: Alec Baldwin)

  • Jack Handey: We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

  • Reagatron 3000: Reagatron 3000, at your service.
    Newt Gingrich: And what is on today's Moon agenda?
    Reagatron 3000: Well… the little girl who won the… Miss Moon Pageant is here for a photo.
    Newt Gingrich: Oh! Wonderful! Send her in!
    (Host Channing Tatum 02/04/12 - Sci Fi Cold Opening)

  • Jack Handey: I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

  • Jack Handey: I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

  • Terence Mattox (Will Ferrel as nude model): You people wouldn't know real beauty if it was out right in the parking lot taking a crap on your car.

  • Jack Handey: As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

  • Tilda Swinton: I've been watching The Price Is Right since I was a little girl growing up on the planet Krypton. (Episode 11/4/2017 Host Larry David / skit The Price is Right Celebrity Edition)

  • Jack Handey: If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

  • Jack Handey: We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

  • Kylo Ren: Hearing that Zach lost his son, really struck a nerve with me. Especially since I'm the one that killed him. (Host Adam Driver, Undercover Boss: Starkiller Base)

  • Jack Handey: As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read, "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

  • Jack Handey: If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

  • Jack Handey: If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

  • Spock: Doctor, would you kindly do me the honor of eating my shorts? (Host William Shatner 12/20/86 Star Trek V: The Restaurant Enterprise)

  • Jack Handey: Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

  • Jack Handey: Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

  • Newt Gingrich: Callista! Callista, come see how pretty the Earth looks.
    Callista Gingrich: Oh, Newt… you need to forget about the Earth. You have the people of the Moon colony to lead now.
    Newt Gingrich: Oh, you're right… you're right. Where's my trusted robot advisor — the Reagatron 3000?
    (Host Channing Tatum 02/04/12 - Sci Fi Cold Opening)

  • Jack Handey: I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

  • Jack Handey: I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?"

  • Jack Handey: If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

  • Jack Handey: To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

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