- Joe Cabot
- Joe Cabot: All right ramblers, let's get rambling!
- Joe Cabot: You don't need proof when you have instinct.
- Mr. Blonde
- Mr. Blonde: All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you aren't going to get.
- Mr. Blonde: Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?
- Mr. Blonde: Either he's alive or he's dead, or the cops got him or they don't.
- Mr. Blonde: I don't give a good fuck what you know or don't know, I'm going to torture you anyway.
- Mr. Blonde: If you're talking like a bitch, I'm gonna slap you like a bitch!
- Mr. Brown, Mr. Blue & Mr. White
- Mr. Brown: Okay, let me tell you what Like a Virgin's about. It's all about this cooze who's a regular fuck machine, I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
Mr. Blue: How many dicks is that?
Mr. White: A lot.
Mr. Brown: Then one day she meets this John Holmes motherfucker and it's like, whoa baby, I mean this cat is like Charles Bronson in the Great Escape, he's digging tunnels. Now, she's gettin the serious dick action and she's feeling something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. Pain. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt her, you know her pussy should be Bubble Yum by now, but when this cat fucks her it hurts. It hurts just like it did the first time. You see the pain is reminding a fuck machine what it once was like to be a virgin. Hence, Like a Virgin'.
- Mr. Pink
- Mr. Pink: I'm very sorry the government taxes their tips, that's fucked up. That ain't my fault. It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. Look, if you ask me to sign something that says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for it, but what I won't do is play ball. And as for this non-college bullshit I got two words for that: learn to fuckin' type, 'cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent you're in for a big fuckin' surprise.
- Mr. Pink: Somebody's shoved a red-hot poker up our ass, and I want to know whose name is on the handle!
- Mr. Pink & Nice Guy Eddie
- Mr. Pink: I've been here a long fucking time and she's only refilled my coffee three times. I think she should be able to refill my coffee at least six times.
Nice Guy Eddie: Excuse me, Mr. Pink, but I think the last fucking thing you need is another cup of coffee.
- Mr. White
- Mr. White: The choice between doing ten years and taking out some stupid motherfucker, ain't no choice at all. But I ain't no madman.
- Mr. White: You shoot me in a dream, you'd better wake up and apologize.
- Mr. White, Nice Guy Eddie & Mr. Blonde
- Mr. White: You can't leave this guy with them.
Nice Guy Eddie: Why not?
Mr. White: Because he's a fucking psycho. And if you think Joe's pissed off, that ain't nothing compared to how pissed off I am at him, for putting me in the same room as that bastard!
Mr. Blonde: See what I've been putting up with, Eddie? I fucking walked in here, I told these guys about staying put. Mr. White whips out his gun, he's sticking it in my face, calling me a motherfucker, saying he's gonna blow me away and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
- Nice Guy Eddie
- Nice Guy Eddie: Okay, first things fuckin' last!
- Nice Guy Eddie: We got places all over the place.