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NIGHT COURT
1984 TV Series


Real dates. Fictional events.
18

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  • Bull Shannon: You know the old saying, "Spare the Uzi, spoil the child." (Season 3 episode Leon, We Hardly Knew Ye)

  • Harry Stone: I'd like to grant a continuance pending a psychiatric evaluation.
    Christine Sullivan: Agreed.
    Dan Fielding: Ready to beam him aboard, Sir.
    (Season 3 episode The Hostage)

  • Bull Shannon: Death is just nature's way of telling you you're not alive anymore. (Season 6 episode Fire)

  • Santa Clause: If I don't make it, tell Frosty goodbye. Just kidding. Get a doctor. (Season 1 episode Santa Goes Downtown)

  • Dr. Charles Melnick: You can't get good psychological therapy at Kmart, fella. (Season 3 episode Up on the Roof)

  • Dan Fielding: She's in a sexual trance - I need ice! (Season 3 episode The Apartment)

  • Harry Stone: What do we have here, a little friction 'twixt the old Trekkies and the new?
    Dan Fielding: Yes, Sir, they were involved in a brawl that broke out at their convention during a seminar on the role of androids in Starfleet command vehicles… Don't you guys ever just get loaded and hire a stripper?
    (Season 6 episode Yet Another Day in the Life)

  • Wendell: I always heard money couldn't buy happiness.
    Dan Fielding: That's sick, Wendell.
    (Season 2 episode Nuts About Harry)

  • Dan Fielding: Hi Happy, I'm horny. (Season 8 episode Alone Again, Naturally)

  • Harry Stone: Well, I guess the next step is obvious.
    Bull Shannon: Right. We kill him. Then we rip his face off. Then we put it back on upside down.
    Harry Stone: You subscribe to Drawn and Quarterly, don't you?
    (Season 4 episode Caught Red Handed)

  • Harry Stone: You've met the Marx brothers… Groucho, Chico, Cujo. (Season 6 episode Yet Another Day in the Life)

  • Harry Stone: I don't know nothing about birthin' no babies. (Season 3 episode Hurricane)

  • Bull Shannon: Sir, I'm afraid they're gonna start flinging the wienies around! (Season 3 episode The Apartment)

  • Dan Fielding: You're beautiful when you're spunky. (Season 2 episode Daddy for the Defense)

  • Harry Stone: Well, here's another fact - you're a big Weiner. (Season 7 episode Branded Part 2)

  • Dan Fielding: How about after work you come over to my place and we can browse through my Ansel Adams prints?

  • Harry Stone: Vaya con queso, mi compadre. (Season 5 episode Who Was that Mashed Man?)

  • Dan Fielding: I think all this talk of the death of premarital sec is premature don't you? (Season 2 episode Daddy for the Defense)

  • Selma Hacker: Get as rough as you want boys, I'm numb.

  • Bull Shannon: You'll get your Mercedes when I get some ladies. (Season 7 episode Blue Suede Bull)

  • Mr. Froufrou: Check me later and I'll show you why all the world loves a clown. (Season 1 episode Wonder Drugs)

  • Quon Li Robinson: My family would like to know if this a good time to slay themselves. (Season 3 episode The Apartment)

  • Florence [seeing Dan in a wheelchair]: So that's why they call him Dr. Strangelove. (Season 3 episode Walk Away, Renee)

  • Harry Stone: The court will remand the defendant to the custody of Bellevue. Bull, beam him up. (Season 5 episode Who Was that Mashed Man?)

  • Dr. Lawrence Osborne: All right, come on, people, that's enough reality for one day. (Season 2 episode Nuts About Harry)

  • Bull Shannon (as Jor-el): Son, your mother and I love you very much.It breaks our hearts to think of being away from you. But it's no longer safe here. The time has come when, for your own good, we must send you away. I know you're frightened, but we're sending you to a safer place. Things are much better where you're going. You'll grow up safer, healthier, even stronger. Goodbye, my son.
    Kryptonian: Jor-el, you were right. Krypton is doomed.
    Roz Russell: I think a filament burned out in there. You were telling us the story of Superman.
    Bull Shannon: Wait, what about the time I got bitten by a radioactive spider?
    (Season 8 episode Crossroads Part 2)

  • Dan Fielding: How about we go back to my place and continue the slurping? (Season 3 episode Monkey Business)

  • Selma Hacker: Well, rope my feet and call me doggie. (Season 2 episode Bull Gets a Kid)

  • Lana Wagner: Harry, how could you take pudding from a hooker? (Season 1 episode Once in Love with Harry)

  • Mac Robinson: Was she mad? Picture what would happen if someone were to give Darth Vader a noogie. (Season 6 episode The Game Show)

  • Harry Stone: You held up an International House of Pancakes? How waffle!

  • Old Trekkie: Captain Kirk would never have allowed androids on the bridge. Rules are rules.
    New Trekkie: Oh yeah? He didn't seem to have any trouble breaking the Prime Directive any time he felt like it.
    Old Trekkie: Go suck on a tribble!
    New Trekkie: Go sit on a phaser!
    Harry Stone: None of that language in my courtroom.
    (Season 6 episode Yet Another Day in the Life)

  • Dan Fielding: Being nice to people who can help you is one thing. Being nice to everybody is sick. (Season 1 episode Hi Honey, I'm Home)

  • Mrs. MacNulty: Ravage me now, you prancing pony! (Season 4 episode The New Judge)

  • Dan Fielding: I want your planet of origin, and I want it now. (Season 2 episode Walk, Don't Wheel)

  • Kitty: Oh, was I being a bad kitty? I should be disciplined. (Season 5 episode Who Was that Mashed Man?)

  • Dan Fielding: I am off to Easy Street
    Roz Russell: More like Sleazy Street.
    (Season 9 episode Opportunity Knock-Knocks Part 1)

  • Quon Le Robinson: I feel the tortured souls of my ancestors crying out in agony! (Season 3 episode The Apartment)

  • Tracy: I get to carry the Consti-pi-tution. (Season 5 episode The Constitution Part 1)

  • Dan Fielding: We're gonna make one hell of a chalk outline. (Season 5 episode Chrizzi's Honor)

  • Harry Anderson: All right, Mr. Sulu - Warp 9. (Season 7 episode Blue Suede Bull)

  • Bull Shannon: All right, let's hustle up some honeys! (Season 7 episode Blue Suede Bull)

  • Mac Robinson: Oh, Harry, getting older isn't all bad. My grandfather used to say, people like wine, get better with age.
    Harry Stone: I'm older than Spider-Man.
    Mac Robinson: Well, what about Superman?
    Harry Stone: He's still in his thirties.
    Mac Robinson: Well, you're younger than those people that found him.
    Harry Stone: The Kents? That old farm couple? That's supposed to make me feel better?
    (Season 7 episode Melvin and Harold)

  • Florence: Ever do it to Twisted Sister? Talk is cheap, Bernie. (Season 3 episode Dan's Boss)

  • Bull Shannon: Out with the old, in with the new. Get sick and die, we'll replace you too. (Season 3 episode Hello, Goodbye)

  • Bull Shannon: They call me Bull.
    Dan's surprise birthday party stripper: That's what they all say.
    (Season 3 episode The Apartment)

  • Harry Stone: My mom always said I was special. (Season 2 episode Nuts About Harry)

  • Mrs. Smith: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it. (Season 4 episode A Day in the Life)

  • Dan Fielding: Your squish is my command. (Season 5 episode Heart of Stone)

  • Mr. Froufrou: I haven't worn underwear since the late sixties. (Season 1 episode Wonder Drugs)

  • Dan Fielding: Your honor, the Empire recommends we beam the earthling aboard the slave colony at Terra Bellevue. [followed by Dan's imitation of Darth Vader breathing] (Season 3 episode Dan's Boss)

  • Dan Fielding: Nice to meet you.
    Billie Young: My pleasure.
    Dan Fielding: That could be arranged.
    (Season 2 episode Billie and the Cat)

  • Christine Sullivan: Sir, I think my tendons are beginning to snap. (Season 3 episode The Apartment)

  • Harry Stone: Defense?
    Christine Sullivan: My clients plead innocent, your honor.
    Harry Stone: What grounds?

    Christine Sullivan: Well, they claim to be victims of… a mind meld.
    Harry Stone: A mind meld? Oh, come on, get real, guys! Star Trek is a TV show, for criminy's sakes. I'm gonna fine you each thirty bucks and I suggest you stop living with your parents.
    (Season 6 episode Yet Another Day in the Life)

  • Donna Fielding: Hey sailor, wanna do the hornpipe? (Season 8 episode A Family Affair Part 2)

  • Quon Li Robinson: My family says they are going to kill themselves. (Season 3 episode The Apartment)

  • Dan Fielding: The address is on the key. Knock twice, and ask for... mercy. (Season 4 episode The Next Voice You Hear...)

  • Bull Shannon: Let's put a lid on this assiduousness. (Season 1 episode All You Need is Love)

  • CIA Agent: Your mother wears combat boots.
    KGB Agent: Only during field maneuvers.
    (Season 2 episode World War III)

  • Sascha Minkoff: You are a brute. I love brutes.
    Dan Fielding: Fine, wait here, I'll see if Jabba the Hutt's available.
    (Season 7 episode Auntie Maim)

  • Harry Stone: Was Filet of Law Text on the cafeteria menu this evening? (Season 9 episode Teacher's Pet)

  • Bull Shannon: Wow, this is even keener than the club in Star Wars! (Season 7 episode Blue Suede Bull)

  • Bull Shannon: Christine, You're a lily pad in a pond full of sludge. (Season 8 episode It's Just a Joke)

  • Dan Fielding: Not tonight, I have rabies. (Season 4 episode Rabid)

  • Florence: Honey, you just came this close to consciousness. (Season 3 episode Mac and Quon Le: No Reservations)

  • Harry Stone: What's up, Mac?
    Mac: A little case of disturbing the peace at a Star Trek convention, Sir.
    New Trekkie: Admit it, the old Enterprise was a piece of junk!
    Old Trekkie: Oh yeah? How would you like a Vulcan death grip?
    Bull Shannon: How do you like the bailiff Bull grip?
    (Season 6 episode Yet Another Day in the Life)

  • New Trekkie: You have no authority over us.
    Harry Stone: I beg your pardon?
    New Trekkie: We are governed by the laws of the Federation.
    Harry Stone: Is that so? Okay, that's contempt, chuck-o. One day in the county jail.
    New Trekkie: That's what you think. Beam. Us. Up. [New Trekkies get beamed up]
    Old Trekkie: Oh, big deal. Can they do this? [Vulcan salute]
    (Season 6 episode Yet Another Day in the Life)

  • Dr. Judith Malloy: Oh Dan, make me scream like a banshee! (Season 6 episode Mental Giant)

  • Dan Fielding: Me Tarzan, you lucky.

  • Dan Fielding: I've just decided I want to donate one of my vital organs. How's ten o'clock for you? (Season 5 episode The Constitution Part 1)

  • Dan Fielding: Hi, I'm shy. And I know that this may seem forward, but I was wondering if maybe sometime you would like to go out with me. I work til eleven, but if that's inconvenient, I can resign now. Do you live near here? If not, I can move. (Season 7 episode I Said Dance!)

  • Harry Stone: Hi. I'm Judge Stone. And you're?
    Eddie Simms: Batman. This is my old lady, Wonder Woman.
    (Season 1 episode Santa Goes Downtown)

  • Al Craven: Everybody's got something to hide, lady. That's what makes this country great. (Season 1 episode The Former Harry Stone)

  • Harry Stone: Hi ladies, I'm Harry - but aren't we all? (Season 4 episode Rabid)

  • Roberta: Give me a hundred bucks and I'll make your teeth sweat. (Season 3 episode Hello, Goodbye)

  • Harry Stone: Fish can't talk to you, Leonard. (Season 1 episode Welcome Back, Momma)

  • Dan Fielding: Hold onto your Dixie cups - the south will rise again! (Season 5 episode No Hard Feelings)

  • Monty Potter: Hey honey, if I wanted your help, I'd drop my drawers. (Season 8 episode It's Just a Joke)

  • Mac Robinson: In case you forgot, I work in this building.
    Harry Stone: Sure, just like Clark works at the Daily Planet.
    (Season 7 episode Attack of the Mac Snacks)

  • Harry Stone: Let's cut out the formality - what can I do to make you fall hopelessly in love with me? (Season 3 episode Halloween, Too)

  • Lana Wagner: Never say to a judge, "You can't do that." (Season 1 episode Welcome Back, Momma)

  • Dan Fielding: Hi there. I couldn't help but sense you from across the room. See, I mean I have this innate instinct when it comes to noticing intelligent women, and I was wondering if you would like to come with me to a party at the mayor's house. (Season 2 episode The Birthday Visitor)

  • Lana Wagner: Never say to a judge, "That's crazy." (Season 1 episode Welcome Back, Momma)

  • Roz Russell: Nothing says lovin' like someone in the oven. (Season 4 episode Change to Baby Talk)

  • Dan Fielding: Hey babe, wanna play with my Lincoln Log? (Season 9 episode Teacher's Pet)

  • Dan Fielding: The Dannymobile is ready to roll.

  • Kumok: You are business end of reindeer. (Season 6 episode Danny's Got His Gun, Part 2)

  • Dan Fielding: Has anyone told you what a cute vaccination scar you have? (Season 1 episode Quadrangle of Love)

  • Bull Shannon: Look out ladies, there's a bull on the loose! (Season 7 episode Blue Suede Bull)

  • Bull Shannon: Move, or I will invent the human pretzel. (Season 3 episode Hello, Goodbye)

  • Harry Stone: This could go either way, unless... no, I guess it's got to go either way. (Season 1 episode All You Need is Love)

  • Mac Robinson: I want those evil spirits put back in my TV! (Season 3 episode The Apartment)

  • Miriam Brody: Ever fool around at work?
    Dan Fielding: No. I mean, that is, not with another person.
    (Season 4 episode Author, Author)

  • Dan Fielding: I think I swallowed my eyes. (Season 1 episode Bull's Baby)

  • Dan Fielding [spotting the next defendant, who happens to be extremely overweight]: Sweet Jabba the Hut! (Season 5 episode Another Day in the Life)

  • Kitty: I'd rather sit on your lap and suck out your fillings. (Season 5 episode Who Was that Mashed Man?)

  • Harry Stone: Love is strange, huh?
    Dan Fielding: Yeah, if you know what you're doing.
    (Season 4 episode The Modest Proposal)

  • Tatiana: I'm Tatiana, princess of Kepua.
    Dan Fielding: Hi, I'm Dan. King of hanky panky.
    (Season 4 episode Prince of a Guy)

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