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Quotes: These folks are out to hurt feelings. How rude!

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  • Flowers, Plants and Trees
    • Old Maid's Fern
        • Jess-Belle insults Ellie Glover under the guise of discussing wildflowers: Saw a patch of Old Maid's Fern up on the mountain. (episode Jess-Belle)
    • Vixen-wort
        • Ellie Glover insults Jess-Belle right back under the guise of discussing wildflowers after Jess-Belle mentions seeing a patch of Old Maid's Fern: I noticed a lot of vixen-wort around here myself. (episode Jess-Belle)
  • Movies-Parody
    • A Fridge Too Far
        • Joke bystander makes when Homer goes to see the movie Honk if You're Horny after gaining weight to qualify for disability: "Hey fattie - I've got a movie for you... A Fridge Too Far." (Season 7 episode King-Size Homer)

  • Quotes
        • Alex: Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!
    • Alexandra Medford
        • Alexandra Medford: I think, no, I am positive, that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time we've been together, you have demonstrated every loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you're morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor and you smell. You're not even interesting enough to make me sick.
    • Ann Loring
        • Ann Loring: He called me cold. Cold as the stones in the ancestral burial ground. And he swore only a corpse could have love from me. (episode The Ghost of Sorworth Place)
    • Annabelle Streator
        • Annabelle Streator: You've become a stranger to me, Erich. A sick neurotic stranger. You're filled with blind, unreasonable hate. You'd better see a good psychiatrist. (episode The Living Doll)
        • Ash: Don't touch that please, your primitive intellect wouldn't understand things with alloys and compositions and things with molecular structures.
        • Bad Janet: Why don't you roll off your mom and do it yourself, you fat dink. (Season 2 episode Rhonda, Diana, Jake and Trent)
    • Bart Simpson & Principal Skinner
        • Bart Simpson: Skinner is a nut. He has a rubber butt!
          Principal Skinner: Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and that metal plate I got in 'Nam.
        • Berta: As long as we're discussing dining choices, why don't you bite me? (Season 3 episode Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs)
    • Bill Truitt
        • Bill Truitt: Listen to me, you little grunge faggot. I survived my family, my schoolyard, every Republican, every other Democrat, Anita Bryant, the Pope, the fucking Christian Coalition, not to mention a real son of a bitch of a virus, in case you haven't noticed, and in all that time since Paul Lynde and Truman Capote were the only fairies in America, I've been busting my ass so that you'd be able to do what you wanted with yours! So I don't just want your obedience right now, which I do want and plenty of it, but I want your fucking gratitude, and I want it right fucking now, or you're going to be looking down a long road at your nipple in the dirt! Do you hear what I'm saying?
    • The Blissfield Butcher
        • The Blissfield Butcher (as Millie Kessler): Your touch makes this pussy drier than sandpaper you fucking monkey. I can't wait to kill you.
    • Brandon
        • Brandon: And chivalry rears its ugly head!
        • Brandon: You often pick words for sound instead of for meaning.
    • Bruce Tarraday
        • Bruce Tarraday: Mildred - that woman is noticeably more noticed that noticing. (episode Last Rites for a Dead Druid)
    • Buddy Ackerman
        • Buddy Ackerman: Do me a fucking favor. Shut up, listen, and learn. Look, I know that this is your first day and you don't really know how things work around here, so I will tell you. You have no brain. No judgement calls are necessary. What you think means nothing. What you feel means nothing. You are here for me. You are here to protect my interests and to serve my needs. So, while it may look like a little thing to you, when I ask for a packet of Sweet'n Low, that's what I want. And it's your responsibility to see that I get what I want.
        • Buddy Ackerman: You are nothing! If you were in my toilet I wouldn't bother flushing it. My bathmat means more to me than you!
    • Buffy Summers
        • Buffy Summers: But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes, I mean you and your friends, your whole sex. Throw 'em in the sea for all I care. Throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles. Men, with your groping and spitting. All groin, no brain. Three billion of ya' passin' around the same worn out urge.
    • C.J. Cregg
        • C.J. Cregg: You elitist Harvard fascist missed-the-Dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass!
    • Captain Roscoe Schubert
        • Captain Roscoe Schubert: Listen, I don't like you, Mr. Kolchak. You might say I dislike you monumentally.
    • Charlie Harper & Jake Harper
        • Charlie Harper: Want me to tuck you in?
          Jake Harper: Iím too old to get tucked in, you... ass-face!
          (Season 3 episode That Voodoo that I Do Do)
    • Charlie Harper & Mia
        • Charlie Harper: Hey, youíre a teacher.
          Mia: Hey, youíre a stalker.
          (Season 3 episode That Voodoo that I Do Do)
    • Chris Washington
        • Chris Washington:This bitch is crazy. Bitch is crazy.
    • Clark Griswold
        • Clark Griswold: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well, I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your assholes! I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!
    • Clay
        • Clay: Modeling? Why don't you try something a little more challenging, like being a game show host? We need more game show hosts.
    • Cora Munro
        • Cora Munro: Duncan, you are a man with a few admirable qualities, but taken as a whole, I was wrong to have thought so highly of you.
    • Death
        • Death: You are utterly the stupidest, most self-centered, appallingest excuse for an anthropomorphic personification on this or any other plane! (Preludes & Nocturns)
    • Deb Morgan
        • Deb Morgan: You're such a Y-chromosome cliche. (Season 3 episode The Damage a Man Can Do)
        • Deb Morgan: I am sorry, Dex, but she is gross, and pale, and nobody is pale in Miami. She is obviously a vampire. A gross English titty vampire. (Season 2 episode Morning Comes)
    • Doc Holiday
        • Doc Holiday: You are a good woman. Then again, you may be the antichrist.
    • Dr. Kessler
        • Dr. Kessler: These things have more human qualities that you two have ever dreamt of. What did you ever kick, punch and abuse before we developed robots for you? Did you pull wings off of flies? Did you pour kerosene on cats? Did you? (episode You Can't Get Help Like That Anymore)
    • Earl
        • Earl: 'Course, if you use a CB, you gotta have a handle. I'm thinking for you, "Shit For Brains."
        • Earl: You gotta be the dumbest motherfucker yet. You think we just picked you out of the clear blue? Shiny new car, Massachusetts plates. It'll be a week before anyone even misses you. Should've got that bumper sticker that goes with that car - Rich assholes looking for trouble.
    • Early Grayce
        • Early Grayce: Tell me, big shot, how you gonna write a book about something you know nothing about?
    • Ed Wilson
        • Ed Wilson: Just the prick I wanna see. Alright, fuck face, now I'm gonna take your eye out and show it to you.
        • Eleanor Shellstrop: We could have literally been flying, and all you wanted to do was talk about morals. I mean, you're like the worst part of Superman. (Season 1 episode Flying)
    • Ellen Ripley
        • Ellen Ripley: I don't know which species is worse. You don't see them fucking each other over for a goddamn percentage!
    • Elliot Carlin & Carol
        • Elliot Carlin: You really want to go out with me?
          Carol: Yes.
          Elliot Carlin: I think Iím starting to lose respect for you.
          (Season 2 episode T.S. Elliot)
    • Felix Leiter
        • Felix Leiter: You Limeys can be pretty touchy about trespassing.
    • Fox Mulder
        • Fox Mulder: That guy in the ugly suit there is probably C.I.A. (episode Young at Heart)
        • Fox Mulder: You probably don't know a feather duster from a duck's ass, do you? (episode Mind's Eye)
        • Fox Mulder: You're an invertebrate scum sucker whose moral dipstick's about two drops short of bone-dry.(episode Tunguska)
        • Fox Mulder: I can think of something else I'd like to call you. I could put 'mister' in front of that, too if you'd like. (episode Drive)
        • Fox Mulder: I think you've got a really horrible attitude. I guess that comes from being rolled up in a rug for the last 500 years. But we're not all that stupid. We're not all chimpanzees with revolvers. I think there's another possibility here and that's just that you're a bitch. (episode Je Souhaite)
        • Fox Mulder: That's a lot of flannel to be choking down even for Bigfoot. (episode Darkness Falls)
    • Frank Grimes & Bart Simpson
        • Frank Grimes: If you lived in any other country in the world you would have starved to death.
          Bart Simpson: He's got you there, Dad.
    • Freddy Shoop
        • Freddy Shoop: Fact - alcohol kills brain cells. You lose one more and you're a talking monkey.
    • French Soldier
        • French Soldier: You don't frighten us, English pig dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called 'Arthur King,' you and all your silly English Knights.
        • French Soldier: And now, remain gone illegitimate-faced buggerfolk! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy English kniggets!
        • French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
    • Grace
        • Grace: You people should be studied. I feel like a Jewish Jane Goodall and you're Goyim in the Mist!
    • Grace Stamper
        • Grace Stamper: I understand that you are handicapped by a natural immaturity, and I forgive you.
    • Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
        • Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Pyle, you climb obstacles like old people fuck!
        • Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Pyle, you had best unfuck yourself and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks or I will definitely fuck you up!
        • Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: What is your major malfunction, Numb Nuts? Didn't your mommy and daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?
        • Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy communist shit twinkle-toed cocksucker who just signed his own death warrant?
        • Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit! It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress.
        • Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Are you quitting on me?! Well, are you?! Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! Now! Move it! I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle, if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo!
        • Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: I bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the god damned common courtesy to give him a reach around.
    • Hamilton & Frank Darbo New record added 10/4/2021
        • Hamilton: Youíre like a monkey.
          Frank Darbo: Iím not like a monkey.
    • Hannibal Lecter
        • Hannibal Lecter: You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste. Good nutrition has given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Agent Starling? And that accent you've tried so desparately to shed? Pure West Virginia. What's your father, dear? Is he a coal miner? Does he stink of the lamp? You know how quickly the boys found you. All those tedious sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars, while you could only dream of getting out, getting anywhere, getting all the way to the FBI.
    • Hansel & Derek Zoolander
        • Hansel: I guess you can Dere-lick my balls, capitan.
          Derek Zoolander: I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
    • Happy Gilmore
        • Happy Gilmore: If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.
    • Harry Stone New record added 9/25/2021
        • Harry Stone: Well, hereís another fact - youíre a big Weiner. (Season 7 episode Branded Part 2)
    • Heather Chandler
        • Heather Chandler: You were nothing before you met me. You were a girl scout cookie.
    • Helen
        • Helen: You look lovely. Who dressed you? The Great Depression?
    • Holly Shaefer
        • Holly Shaefer: You're an aging broad who makes a spectacle of herself like the wicked witch of the west in hot pants. (episode The Diary)
    • Hudson Hawk
        • Hudson Hawk: I guess we see who wears the penis in this family.
        • Hudson Hawk: If the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third-largest crime family, I'd say, "Kiss my ass." But considering your status, I will say, "Slurp my butt."
        • Hudson Hawk: Gates tries to blackmail me, you ask me, "Did I miss anything?" Gates gets killed, you say, "Did I miss anything?" I bet you went up to Mrs. Lincoln at the Ford Theatre and said, "How was the show? Did I miss anything?"
    • Jack Torrance
        • Jack Torrance: You've had your whole fucking life to think things over, what good's a few minutes more gonna do you now?
        • No description available
    • Janie Williams
        • Janie Williams: You know what the trouble with you is, Gart? You were just born too late. Because, you know, you're the kind of a guy that could be satisfied with a summer afternoon, or an ice wagon being drawn by a horse. So it's my mistake, pal, my error, my miserable tragic error, to get married to a man whose big dream in life is to be Huckleberry Finn! (episode A Stop at Willoughby)
    • Jeffrey Sinclair
        • Jeffrey Sinclair: No offense, Commander, but you look like week-old bread. (Season 1 episode By Any Means Necessary)
    • Jenn
        • Jenn: The only thing you people are cursed with is stupidity. All of you. Everybody. Mankind. Everyone I have ever come into contact with, without fail. Always asking for the wrong thing. (episode Je Souhaite)
    • Jess-Belle & Ellie Glover
        • Jess-Belle: Saw a patch of Old Maid's Fern up on the mountain
          Ellie Glover: I noticed a lot of vixen-wort around here myself.
          (episode Jess-Belle)
        • John Bender: See I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there's fat people that were born to be fat, and there's fat people that were once thin but became fat. so when you look at 'em you can sorta see that thin person inside. You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh.
    • Johnny 23 & Cameron Poe
        • Johnny 23: Do you know what I am?
          Cameron Poe: Ugly all day?
        • Karen: She's gone to Mexico for cosmetic surgery so many times I bet if you slapped the back of her head, prizes would fall out.
    • Kumok
        • Kumok: You are business end of reindeer. (Season 6 episode Dannyís Got His Gun, Part 2)
    • Larry David
        • Larry David: You wear that dress because you want people to look at your shoes, is that it? (Season 1 episode The Pants Tent)
    • Lindsey Brigham
        • Lindsey Brigham: These guys are about as fun as a tax audit.
    • Londo Mollari
        • Londo Mollari: I would rather kiss a Jovian tree worm. (Season 1 episode Born to the Purple)
    • Luann Van Houten & Kirk Van Houten
        • Luann Van Houten: If you want to talk nervous, you should have seen Kirk deal with the high school boys who egged our Bonneville.
          Kirk Van Houten: Heh. I should have asked them to hurl some bacon. Then maybe I could've had a decent breakfast for once.
    • Maggie
        • Maggie: I once took pictures of a man who ate his own legs, and you would be the black sheep of that family.
    • Maggie Beckett
        • Maggie Beckett: Get your stinking' paw off me. (Season 3 episode This Slide of Paradise)
    • Magneto
        • Magneto: Toad has a wicked tongue, Senator. Just like you.
    • Marge Simpson
        • Marge Simpson: You talk too much! Abraca-blab-ra, am I right? The ladies know what I'm talking about. (episode The Great Money Caper)
    • Maximillian Arturo
        • Maximillian Arturo: Ignorant bovine! (Season 1 episode The Weaker Sex)
    • Michael & Bad Janet
        • Michael: Bad Janet?
          Bad Janet: What?
          Bad Janet, where is the nearest cafe?
          Oh, um, that's a good question. It's up your mom's butt, you fat dink.
          (Season 1 episode ÖSomeone Like Me as a Member)
        • Mickey Knox: You're scum, Wayne. You did it for ratings. You don't give a shit about us or anybody else except yourself, that's why nobody gives a shit about you. That's why helicopters were not deployed.
    • Miss Crane
        • Miss Crane: You're a malignant cross breed between a vulture and a hotel dick. (episode The Diary)
    • Moe Szyslak
        • Moe Szyslak: Watch what you're doing there, sack monkey! You're bruising my Duralog! (episode Simpson Safari)
    • Monty Potter New record added 10/21/2021
        • Monty Potter: Hey honey, if I wanted your help, Iíd drop my drawers. (Season 8 episode Itís Just a Joke)
    • Morty Smith & Rick Sanchez
        • Morty Smith: Steve wasnít real?
          Rick Sanchez: Heís a real piece of shit.
          (Season 2 episode Total Rickall)
    • Mother's Milk
        • Mother's Milk: Lick my big black balls, Butcher. (Season 2 episode What I Know)
    • Mr. Burns
        • Mr. Burns: Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival and now she wants to quiz because she's losing? Well, I say "Hard Cheese!"
    • Mrs. Fulton
        • Mrs. Fulton: Is it possible they programmed a little slut into you? (episode You Can't Get Help Like That Anymore)
    • Murdock
        • Murdock: What are you a couple of fruit flies? You know there are places for people like you! (episode Harder Than It Looks)
    • Officer Kirk & Fonz
        • Officer Kirk: Well, I knew there was a creep in here.
          Fonz: Hey, don't be so hard on yourself, Kirk.
    • Old Trekkie, New Trekkie & Harry Stone
        • Old Trekkie: Captain Kirk would never have allowed androids on the bridge. Rules are rules.
          New Trekkie: Oh yeah? He didnít seem to have any trouble breaking the Prime Directive any time he felt like it.
          Old Trekkie: Go suck on a tribble!
          New Trekkie: Go sit on a phaser!
          Harry Stone: None of that language in my courtroom.
          (Season 6 episode Yet Another Day in the Life)
    • Oliver Rose
        • Oliver Rose: If this is a who-can-sink-lowest-fastest contest, you won. By showing him my letter, you have sunk below the deepest layer of prehistoric frog shit at the bottom of a New Jersey scum swamp. I may have let you have the house, but now you'll never get it. You will never get that house. Do you understand? You will never get that house.
    • P.A.
        • P.A.: Will the owner of a car with license plate number ZGY-621 please move it? It's making our parking lot look tacky!
    • Raikou
        • Raikou: Don't need to read your mind to know you've got a stick up your ass. (Season 1 episode Omnes Pro Uno)
    • Rem
        • Rem: My dear Logan, it isnít human, therefore thereís nothing unpredictable about it. (Episode The Innocent)
    • Rembrandt Brown
        • Rembrandt Brown: You know, I'm getting the distinct feeling that it's not your head that's doing the thinking right now. (Season 3 episode Slither)
        • Rembrandt Brown: Kromaggots. You never disappoint, do you? (Season 4 episode Mother and Child)
    • Ricky
        • Ricky: I thought you went to Purdue, but I guess you went to the University of Lame!
    • Robot Aid Production Model 931
        • Robot Aid Production Model 931: You're crude, cruel, vulgar. Lusting for everything, but loving nothing. (episode You Can't Get Help Like That Anymore)
        • Robot Aid Production Model 931: I see a middle-aged woman aging without grace. Aggressive, competitive, discontented, with an ugliness inside that can't be covered with cosmetics. (episode You Can't Get Help Like That Anymore)
    • Roman Pearce & Luke Hobbs
        • Roman Pearce: Mia, you better hide your baby oil.
          Luke Hobbs: You better hide that big ass forehead.
    • Ross
        • Ross: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister.
    • Shawn
        • Shawn: What's that thing you humans say when you're playing chess, and you trap your opponent into an inescapable position? Oh right - eat butt, you ding-dongs. (Season 3 episode Pandemonium)
    • Sheila Gray
        • Sheila Gray: You're disgusting. You're slime, that's what you are. Well, you think of me in John's arms, making love to me. The ugliest woman in the world wouldn't have a toad like you. (episode A Feast of Blood)
    • Shirley & Laverne
        • Shirley: What did you call that woman again?
          Laverne: Banana-face.
          Shirley: People do not like to be called fruit!
    • Sid
        • Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than puttin' on a pair of pants. My question to you is: who's puttin' your pants on? (episode The Alternate Side)
    • Sideshow Bob
        • Sideshow Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! No truth handler, you! Bah! I deride your truth handling abilities!
    • Sparky Polastri
        • Sparky Polastri: A cheerleader is a dancer who has gone retarded.
        • Sparky Polastri: Report those compliments to your ass before it gets so big it forms its own website.
    • Spider-Man New record added 10/3/2021
        • Spider-Man: Look at little goblin junior. Gonna cry?
    • Spock
        • Spock: Doctor, would you kindly do me the honor of eating my shorts? (Host William Shatner 12/20/86 Star Trek V: The Restaurant Enterprise)
    • Stifler
        • Stifler: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking use them!
    • Tahani Al-Jamil
        • Tahani Al-Jamil: Nice shirt. Who designed it? Mark Fake-obs? (Season 3 episode Pandemonium)
    • Theresa
        • Theresa: You're a small man with a small, shriveled soul, Mr. whiplash. There is no bigger waste than a formal education given to someone incapable of using it. I have no doubt your whole life would disappear into your father's accomplishments without leaving a ripple. (Heaven's River)
    • Tommy Callahan
        • Tommy Callahan: If I wanted a kiss I would have called your mother.
    • Veronica Sawyer
        • Veronica Sawyer: Get off my bed you fucking psycho. You think you're a rebel? Do you actually think you're a rebel? You're not a rebel. You're fucking psychotic.
    • The Wicked Witch Of The West
        • The Wicked Witch of the West: You cursed brat. Look what you've done. I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness.
    • Will
        • Will: He's real charming. Like finding a band-aid in your burrito is charming. (episode Last of the Really Odd Lovers)
    • Wolverine & Cyclops
        • Wolverine: It's me.
          Cyclops: Prove it.
          
Wolverine: You're a dick.
          Cyclops: Okay.
    • Zapp Brannigan
        • Zapp Brannigan: What's the matter, Private? Tent got your tongue? Kif, write that down. I want to send it in to Humor in Uniform. (episode War is the H Word)

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