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  • Quotes
    • Abe Simpson
      • Abe Simpson: Step right up and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson & Son's patented Revitalizing Tonic! Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, her-prising, revitalizing tonic! I doubt very highly that one elixir can boast so many fantastic properties. (Season 6 episode Grandpa vs. Sexual Inadequacy)
      • Abe Simpson: I got a home remedy that'll put the zowzers back in your trousers.
      • Abe Simpson: I can dress myself.
      • Abe Simpson: Whenever I'm confused I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions.
      • Abe Simpson: Now as for your generation And for the minimal outlay of one dollar you can take home a bottle of liquid Lothario distilled Don Juan, catalytically carbonated Casanova. Lock old Rover in the shed, because man has a new best friend in Simpson & Son's Revitalizing Tonic. (Season 6 episode Grandpa vs. Sexual Inadequacy)
      • Abe Simpson: Everybody wants something for nothing... I'm old. Gimme gimme gimmie. (Season 5 episode $pringfield Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)
      • Abe Simpson: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never fully understood why that is. Frankly, I can see an upside to it.
      • Abe Simpson: Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust.
      • Abe Simpson: You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember and a song that may never have existed and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to. (Season 5 episode Lady Bouvier's Lover)
      • Abe Simpson: There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Ooh, look at that one!
      • Abe Simpson: Ooh, I feel all funny. I'm in love! No, wait, it's a stroke. No, wait, it is love. (Season 5 episode Lady Bouvier's Lover)
      • Abe Simpson: I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days, when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.
      • Abe Simpson: I'm thirsty. Ooh, what smells like mustard? There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Ooh! Look at that one! Oh, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a demi-crat. Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt. There are too many leaves in your walkway. Why are you people avoiding me? Does my withered face remind you of the grim specter of death?
      • Abe Simpson: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank Heaven for children.
      • Abe Simpson: Call me mint jelly, 'cause I'm on the lam! (episode The Great Money Caper)
    • Abe Simpson & Dr. Hibbert
      • Abe Simpson: How long do I have to live, Doc?
        Dr. Hibbert: I'm amazed you're alive now.
    • Alex Whitney
      • Alex Whitney: Listen, you can giggle and stink all you want, but I have a credit card, so PFFFFT! on you. (Season 10 episode Lard of the Dance)
    • Amber Dempsey
      • Amber Dempsey: Hi, I'm Amber Dempsey, and when I grow up I want to be a sweetie-pie!
    • Andy Warhol
      • Andy Warhol: Soup's on, Fatboy! (Season 10 episode Mom and Pop Art)
    • Announcer
      • Announcer: The preceding program contained scenes of extreme violence and should not have been viewed by young children. (Shown after the Itchy & Scratchy cartoon Star Trek: The Next Laceration - Season 5 episode Deep Space Homer)
    • Apu
      • Apu: I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
      • Apu: You ducks are really trying my patience. But you're so cute. (Season 4 Homer the Heretic)
      • Apu: Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!
      • Apu: Oh, sir, I've seen things you can't imagine. (Season 1 episode Homer's Night Out)
      • Apu: All Kwik-E-Mart managers must be skilled in the deadly arts.
      • Apu: Thank you for coming, I'll see you in Hell. (Season 5 episode Homer the Vigilante)
    • Apu & Elton John
      • Apu: Elton John!

        Elton John: Well, that's my name… well, not really.
        (Season 10 episode I'm With Cupid)
    • Apu & Homer Simpson
      • Apu: Is it me or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies?
        Homer Simpson: It's you.
    • Barney Gumble
      • Barney Gumble: When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it.
      • Barney Gumble (after plowing Adam West's driveway): So long Superman, your secret identity's safe with me. (Season 4 episode Mr. Plow)
      • Barney Gumble: Well, that's just drunk talk. Sweet, beautiful drunk talk. (The City of New York Vs. Homer Simpson)
      • Barney Gumble: Well, that's just drunk talk! Sweet, beautiful drunk talk.
      • Barney Gumble: All I remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner.
    • Bart Simpson
      • Bart Simpson: Contrary to what you have just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners; only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: the American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy.
      • Bart Simpson: After breakfast, me and Milhouse are going down to the ravine. We got a tip from a six-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there.
      • Bart Simpson: Don't worry, Dad. As three-time soap box derby champion Ronnie Beck says, Gravity is my copilot. (Season 3 episode Saturdays of Thunder)
      • Bart Simpson: Hey man, cool crash. Way to cheat death.
      • Bart Simpson: I need this candy for school. Candy class. (Season 12 episode Simpson Safari)
      • Bart Simpson: I'm glad we're stranded. It'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing! We're gonna live like kings. Damn hell-ass kings!
      • Bart Simpson: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows. (Season 10 episode Marge Simpson in Screaming Yellow Honkers)
      • Bart Simpson: Ah, the life of a frog. That's the life for me. (episode The Crepes of Wrath)
      • Bart Simpson: What a day! The sun is out, the birds are singing, the bees are trying to have sex with them.
      • Bart Simpson: It's crap-tacular!
      • Bart Simpson: Can I slog off school tomorrow? Got a pain in me gulliver. (Season 4 episode A Streetcar Named Marge)
      • Bart Simpson: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
      • Bart Simpson: She said you'd fold faster than Superman on laundry day. (Season 6 episode The PTA Disbands)
      • Bart Simpson (on chalkboard): The truth is not out there. (Season 8 episode The Springfield Files)
      • Bart Simpson: Oh my god, the dead have risen, and they're voting Republican! (Season 6 episode Sideshow Bob Roberts)
      • Bart Simpson: I am not Charlie Brown on Acid!
      • Bart Simpson: Nice use of the lingo Homer. (episode The Great Money Caper)
      • Bart Simpson: As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade.
      • Bart Simpson: I've made my bed, and now I've got to weasel my way out of it.
      • Bart Simpson: I just need one great idea... (sees a bat) Batman! Oh, it's been done... (sees a green lantern). Green Lantern! Nah. (Season 13 episode I am Furious Yellow)
      • Bart Simpson: Hey, Lis! We're characters in a cartoon!
      • Bart Simpson: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery - the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.
      • Bart Simpson: Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day - the birth of Santa?
      • Bart Simpson: This is the worst Fourth of July ever. I hate America. (episode Summer of 4'2')
      • Bart Simpson: Hey, Dad, heard you swearin'. Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap.
      • Bart Simpson: That lemon tree's part of our town and, as kids, the backbone of our economy. We'll get it back or choke their rivers with our dead. (Season 6 episode Lemon of Troy)
      • Bart Simpson: Why don't we watch some cartoons? The Justice League is moving into their new building today. (Season 9 episode This Little Wiggy)
      • Bart Simpson: Pop quiz, hot shot. I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but you find me upstairs reading a Playdude. What do you do? What do you do? (Season 8 episode Simpsoncalifragilisticexpialad'ohcious)
      • Bart Simpson: Okay, Milhouse, let's try out that new cup.
      • Bart Simpson: I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way they can prove anything. (Season 1 episode Moaning Lisa)
      • Bart Simpson: I'm starving! Mom, can we go Catholic, so we can get communion, wafers, and booze?
    • Bart Simpson & Abe Simpson
      • Bart Simpson: Is that story true Grampa?
        Abe Simpson: Well, most of it. I did wear a dress for a period in the forties. Oh, they had designers back then!
      • Bart Simpson: I've got a story so scary, you'll wet your pants!
        Abe Simpson: Too late.
    • Bart Simpson & Ballet Teacher
      • Bart Simpson: I don't like wearing tights.
        Ballet Teacher: But so many of your heroes wear tights. Batman, for example. And Magellan.
        (Season 6 episode Homer vs. Patty and Selma)
    • Bart Simpson & Homer Simpson
      • Bart Simpson: Dad, are you licking toads?

        Homer Simpson: I'm not not licking toads.
        (Season 11 episode Missionary: Impossible)
      • Bart Simpson: Do I have to brush my teeth?
        Homer Simpson: No, but at least wash your mouth out with soda.
      • Bart Simpson: Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders.
        Homer Simpson: He was a zombie?
        (Season 4 episode Treehouse of Horror III - segment: Dial "Z" for Zombies)
      • Bart Simpson: But, Dad, you're giving in to mob mentality.
        Homer Simpson: No, I'm not! I'm hopping on the bandwagon.
        (Season 1 episode Krusty Gets Busted)
    • Bart Simpson & Lisa Simpson
      • Bart Simpson: Hey is that Dad?
        Lisa Simpson: Either that, or Batman's really let himself go.
        (Season 8 episode The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)
    • Bart Simpson & Marge Simpson
      • Bart Simpson: What's a castrati?
        Marge Simpson: I don't know, but I'm sure it's spicy.
      • Bart Simpson: Why we gettin' dressed up, Mom? Are we going to Black Angus?
        Marge Simpson: Well, you might say we're going to the best steak house in the whole universe.
        Bart Simpson: So we're not going to Black Angus.
    • Bart Simpson & Milhouse
      • Bart Simpson: What is it like riding a girl's bike?
        Milhouse: Disturbingly comfortable.
        (episode Trilogy of Error)
      • Bart Simpson: How can someone with glasses so thick be so stupid? Listen, you don't have a soul, I don't have a soul, there's no such thing as a soul!
        Milhouse: Fine. If you're so sure about that why don't you sell your soul to me.
        Bart Simpson: How much you got?
        Milhouse: Five bucks.
        Bart Simpson: Deal.
      • Bart Simpson: Hey Milhouse, you want a job in my factory?
        Milhouse: You don't have a factory.
        Bart Simpson Look, I'm a busy man. Do you want a job or not?
        Milhouse: Okay.
    • Bart Simpson & Mrs. Krabappel
      • Bart Simpson: How would one go about making a half man half monkey like creature?
        Mrs. Krabappel: You can't do that Bart.That would be playing God.
        Bart Simpson: God schmod. I want my monkey man.
        (Season 3 episode Bart's Friend Falls in Love)
    • Bart Simpson & Principal Skinner
      • Bart Simpson: Skinner is a nut. He has a rubber butt!
        Principal Skinner: Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and that metal plate I got in 'Nam.
    • Bart Simpson and Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson & Barney Gumble
      • Bart Simpson and Lisa Simpson: Goodbye Shary Bobbins!
        Marge Simpson: Thanks for everything!
        Barney Gumble: So long, Superman!
        (Season 8 episode Simpsoncalifragilisticexpialad'ohcious)
    • Bart Simpson, Leonard Nimoy & Hotdog Vendor
      • Bart Simpson: Leonard Nimoy, what are you doing here?
        Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
        Hotdog Vendor: Hey Spock, what you want on your hotdog?
        Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.
        (Season 8 episode The Twisted World of Marge Simpson)
    • Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson & Homer Simpson
      • Bart Simpson: Have some meat on a sword, Lisa. It’ll cheer you up.
        Lisa Simpson: You know I’m a vegetarian.
        Homer Simpson: But you’re on vacation honey.
        (Season 13 episode Blame it on Lisa)
    • Bart-Bart
      • Bart-Bart: Gee, Homie, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned.
    • Batman & Robin
      • Batman: Gather your wits, old chum. We seem to have fallen prey to that painted Pagliacci of perfidy.
        Robin: You mean, Clown Face?
        Batman: None other.
        (Season 14 episode Large Marge)
    • Batman, Clownface & Robin
      • Batman: Clownface, what in the name of Huntley and Brinkley do you plan to do to us?
        Clownface: I'm just gonna take you for a spin. Hoo, Ha, Hee, show our guests to the twirly gates.
        Robin: Holy g-force, Batman. The blood's rushing to my head.
        Batman: That's right, my panicky chum. In a few moments, you and I will literally blush ourselves to death.
        (Season 14 episode Large Marge)
    • Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con Announcer
      • Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con Announcer: Welcome futurists, cyberphiles, and the rest of you dateless wonders. And now to push this convention into hyperspace, the man who put the "star" in Star Wars, a real burr under Darth Vader's saddle, Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill! (Season 10 episode Mayored to the Mob)
    • Bill Clinton
      • Bill Clinton: So, when somebody says, I was an embarrassment to the country, I say it depends on what the meaning of 'was' is, jerk. (Season 3 episode Weekend at Burnsie's)
    • Bill Gates
      • Bill Gates: Don't let the haircut fool you, I'm exceedingly wealthy. (Season 9 episode Das Bus)
    • Birch Barlow
      • Birch Barlow: My friends, isn't this just typical? Another intelligent conservative here, railroaded by our liberal justice system, just like Colonel Oliver North, Officer Stacey Koon, and cartoon smokesperson Joe Camel. Well, I've had it!
    • Bleeding Gums Murphy
      • Bleeding Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about feeling better. It's about making other people feel worse and making a few bucks while you're at it.
    • Bleeding Gums Murphy, Mufasa & Darth Vader
      • Bleeding Gums Murphy: You've made an old jazzman happy, Lisa.
        Mufasa: You must avenge my death, Kimba. I mean, Simba.
        Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father.
        (Season 6 episode Round Springfield)
    • Brandine
      • Brandine: Cletus, what are you beating your gums about?
    • Bumblebee Man
      • Bumblebee Man: Ay, ay, ay! No me gusta!
    • Burly
      • Burly: Fantasize, Marge. Fantasize about Burly!
    • Cadet Larsen & Lisa
      • Cadet Larsen: What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud?
        Lisa: Is there any answer I can give that won't result in more push-ups?
        Cadet Larsen: No.
    • Captain Kirk & Uhura
      • Captain Kirk: My chair! It's... got a mind of its own. Help me, Mr. Spock!
        Comic Book Guy as Spock: Shazbot! My captain is in peril!
        Uhura: You saved the captain's life. I want to make out to you. And so do Cat Woman and Agent 99.
        (Season 12 episode I'm Goin' to Praiseland)
    • Captain Kirk, Mr. Sulu & Mr Scott
      • Captain Kirk: Report, Mr. Sulu.
        Mr. Sulu: Captain, there appears to be some sort of spirit from an Earth holiday past.
        Captain Kirk: Mr Scott, fire photon torpedos
        Mr. Scott: It's no use, Captain! He's showing visions of me future... God, I'm so fat!
        Captain Kirk: I said fire!
        (Season 15 episode Tis The Fifteenth Season)
    • Carla Tortelli & Sam Malone
      • Carla Tortelli: Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins on the same night you're supposed to marry Diane without Rebecca knowing.
        Sam Malone: I'll make you a bet. If this affects my major-league comeback, I'll sell the bar.
        (Season 6 episode Fear of Flying)
    • Cecil
      • Cecil: And now, to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.
    • Cecil Terwilliger
      • Cecil Terwilliger: And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them. (Season 8 episode Brother from Another Series)
    • Chief Wiggum
      • Chief Wiggum: No offense, but you're a decrepit monkey skeleton.
      • Chief Wiggum: Stop that - you can't pray on city property! (Season 15 episode Tis The Fifteenth Season)
      • Chief Wiggum: Boy, I tell you, they only come out at night. Or in this case, the daytime.
      • Chief Wiggum (in front of police line up that includes Marvin the Martian, Gort, Chewbacca, ALF a.k.a. Gordon Shumway, and either Kodos or Kang): Mr. Simpson, look at this lineup and tell us if any of these are the aliens you saw. (Season 8 episode The Twisted World of Marge Simpson)
      • Chief Wiggum: That's Simpson. He thinks he's the pope of Chili Town. (Season 8 episode The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)
      • Chief Wiggum: No offense, but you're a decrepit monkey skeleton. (Season 13 A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love)
      • Chief Wiggum: Where's your messiah now, Flanders? (Season 5 episode Homer Loves Flanders)
      • Chief Wiggum: What's that, Floating Mask? You want me to shoot everyone? Naw, I'm just screwing with you - it's a miracle.
      • Chief Wiggum: What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery? (Season 9 episode This Little Wiggy)
    • Chief Wiggum & Dr. Colossus
      • Chief Wiggum: All right, Colossus, you're free to go, but stay away from Death Mountain.
        Dr. Colossus: But all my stuff is there.
        (Season 6 episode Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part 2)
    • Cletus
      • Cletus: Never you mind, Brandine, You just go back to birthin' that baby.
      • Cletus: Awright, young'uns, bath time! Cover up your eyes and drop your britches!
    • Cletus & Brandine
      • Cletus: Hey, Brandine, you might could wear these to your job interview.
        Brandine: And scuff up the topless dancin' runway? Naw, you best brang 'em back from where you got 'em.
    • Clownface
      • Clownface: Well, if it isn't Bat-mensch and the Goy Wonder. (Season 14 episode Large Marge)
    • Clownface & Batman
      • Clownface: Faith and begorra, Batman. How did you ever escape?
        Batman: Fortunately, I always carry my Carousel Reversal Spray.
        Clownface: Oh, what don't you have in that belt?
        Batman: Patience for harlequined hoodlums like yourself.
        Clownface: Truer words were never spoken, crusader.
        (Season 14 episode Large Marge)
    • The Collector
      • The Collector: Must end life in classic Lorne Green pose from Battlestar Galactica. Best... death... ever. (episode Desperately Xeeking Xena)
      • The Collector: Here are some names you may call me on our wedding night. Obi-Wan, Iron Man, Mr. Mxyzptlk, and of course, Big Papa Smurf. (Season 11 episode Treehouse of Horror X - segment Desperately Xeeking Xena)
      • The Collector: Care for a Rolo, sweet Xena? (Season 11 episode Treehouse of Horror X - segment Desperately Xeeking Xena)
    • Comic Book Guy
      • Comic Book Guy (from his collection of valuable and humorous bumper stickers): I brake for tribbles (Season 10 episode Viva Ned Flanders)
      • Comic Book Guy: Tell me, how do you feel about forty-five year old virgins who still live with their parents?
      • Comic Book Guy (after ripping his pants while ice skating and wrapping his jacket around his waist): Activate cloaking device! (Jacket rips too) Oh, I'm so depressed... Engage candy bar. (Season 15 episode Tis The Fifteenth Season)
      • Comic Book Guy (after his portable toilet gets knocked over): It appears I will have to find a new fortress of solitude. (Season 9 episode King of the Hill)
      • Comic Book Guy (from his collection of valuable and humorous bumper stickers, given to him by a Harrison Ford lookalike): My other car is a Millennium Falcon (Season 10 episode Viva Ned Flanders)
      • Comic Book Guy: Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.
      • Comic Book Guy: No banging your head on the display case. It contains a very rare Mary Worth, in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide. Thank you.
      • Comic Book Guy: My beloved is resting blissfully in the many folds of my Spider-Man T-shirt. (Season 15 My Big Fat Geek Wedding)
      • Comic Book Guy (from his collection of valuable and humorous bumper stickers): NCC-1701 (Season 10 episode Viva Ned Flanders)
      • Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee insulted me. But in Bizarro World, that means he likes me. (Season 13 episode I am Furious Yellow)
      • Comic Book Guy (from his collection of valuable and humorous bumper stickers, The X-Files reference): The Truth is in here (Season 10 episode Viva Ned Flanders)
      • Comic Book Guy: Edna, the Klingons have a romantic saying: (speaks Klingon). Roughly translated, it means, "I would kill the children of a thousand planets just to see you smile." (Season 15 My Big Fat Geek Wedding)
      • Comic Book Guy (running the 97th Springfield Marathon dressed as the Flash): No one can outrun the Flash! (Season 12 episode New Kids on the Blecch)
      • Comic Book Guy: Two ten year olds running my store? What is this - Bizarro World? (Season 12 episode Worst Episode Ever)
      • Comic Book Guy (from his collection of valuable and humorous bumper stickers): My child is an honor student at Starfleet Academy (Season 10 episode Viva Ned Flanders)
      • Comic Book Guy: Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much much more. (Season 10 episode They Saved Lisa's Brain)
      • Comic Book Guy: But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds… ooh, I've wasted my life. (Season 9 episode Treehouse of Horror VIII - segment The HΩmega Man)
      • Comic Book Guy (at library book sale): Ah, the full Leonard Nimoy cycle - I am Not Spock. I am Spock. And finally, I am Also Scotty. (Season 13 episode Sweets and Sour Marge)
      • Comic Book Guy: Is there a word in Klingon for loneliness? (Checking Klingon dictionary) …ah, yes: "Garrlll dak!" (Season 12 episode Worst Episode Ever)
      • Comic Book Guy (from his collection of valuable and humorous bumper stickers): Kang is my co-pilot (Season 10 episode Viva Ned Flanders)
      • Comic Book Guy: Oh, Captain Janeway. Lace: the final brassiere.
      • Comic Book Guy: Oh, Jar Jar, everybody hates you but me. (Season 13 episode Half-Decent Proposal)
      • Comic Book Guy: Human contact… the final frontier. (Season 12 episode Worst Episode Ever)
      • Comic Book Guy (from his collection of valuable and humorous bumper stickers): Keep honking, I'm charging my phaser (Season 10 episode Viva Ned Flanders)
      • Comic Book Guy: Loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. (Season 8 episode My Sister, My Sitter)
    • Comic Book Guy & Dry Cleaner
      • Comic Book Guy: The Bat pants have been shredded by the Riddler.
        Dry Cleaner: No, just your ass.
        Comic Book Guy: That what I call my ass.
        (Season 14 episode Old Yeller-Belly)
    • Comic Book Guy & Otto
      • Comic Book Guy: Egad! A maniac cutting a swatch of destruction! This is a job for the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibly Ghost Rider.

        Otto: What about Superman?
        Comic Book Guy: Oh, please.
        (Season 11 episode Brother's Little Helper)
    • Detective Brodka
      • Detective Brodka: Oh sure, now he's just a little boy stealing toys, but someday he'll be a grown man stealing stadiums, and quarries.
    • The Devil
      • The Devil: Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us. It won't cost you a thing. Except your soul! (Season 2 episode Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment)
    • Dr. Foster
      • Dr. Foster: We want to teach Ned to release his anger in healthy doses. We need someone so irritating that Ned simply will not be able to repress his rage. (Season 8 Hurricane Neddy)
    • Dr. Hibbert
      • Dr. Hibbert: Marge, if that was my last meal I'd tell the warden, "Bring on the lethal injection."
      • Dr. Hibbert: I've discovered that the rejuvenating effect is actually a mild form of poisoning. No doubt a result of the unsanitary conditions in Grampa Simpson's bathtub. (Season 6 episode Grandpa vs. Sexual Inadequacy)
      • Dr. Hibbert: Why, if I had seventy-five dollars for every novelty I've removed. Oh, by the way, I'll need a check for seventy-five dollars.
      • Dr. Hibbert: When it comes to stress, laughter is the best medicine. You know, before I learned to chuckle mindlessly, I was headed for an early grave myself. Ah, hee, hee, hee!
    • Dr. J. Loren Pryor
      • Dr. J Loren Pryor: Public school can be intimidating to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.
    • Dr. Julius Hibbert & Moe Szyslak
      • Dr. Julius Hibbert dressed up as Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father.
        Moe Szyslak dressed up as Austin Powers: Shagadelic.
        (Season 3 episode Gump Roast)
    • Dr. Nick Riviera
      • Dr. Nick Riviera: The Coroner? I'm so sick of that guy. Well, see you in the operating place.
      • Dr. Nick Riviera: The knee bone's connected to the something. The something's connected to the red thing. The red thing's connected to my wristwatch. Uh-oh.
      • Dr. Nick Riviera: Well, we better leave him in there. Moving him now could kill him and tire us out.
    • Dr. Nick Riviera & Marge Simpson
      • Dr. Nick Riviera: With my diet, you can eat all you want, anytime you want.
        Marge Simpson: And you lose weight?
        Dr. Nick Riviera: You might, it's a free country.
        (Season 12 episode Insane Clown Poppy)
    • Drederick Tatum
      • Drederick Tatum: I insist that you desist.
      • Drederick Tatum: I think he's a good man. I like him. I got nothin against him, but I'm definitely gonna make orphans of his children.
    • Duff Beer
      • Duff Beer (billboard): Can't get enough of that wonderful Duff! (Season 9 episode Trouble with Trillions)
    • Duff Man
      • Duff Man: Are you ready for some Duff love? (Season 11 episode Pygmoelion)
      • Duff Man: New feelings brewing in Duff Man - what would Jesus do? (Season 12 episode Hungry, Hungry Homer)
    • Duff-Man
      • Duff-Man: Are you ready to get Duffed?
      • Duff-Man: New feelings in Duff Man. What would Jesus do?
    • Duffman
      • Duffman: Don't send a Duff dog to do a Duffman's job! Hold on, Sir. Soon, you'll be filling your lungs with Duff, Duff Lite, or new Duff Blue - tap in to the peppermint glacier! (Season 14 episode Old Yeller-Belly)
    • Eddie Muntz
      • Eddie Muntz: Great game, Son. C'mon, I'm taking you to Hooters.
    • Edna Krabappel
      • Edna Krabappel: It's like I'm DC Comics and you're Marvel. (Season 15 My Big Fat Geek Wedding)
    • Elliot Gould
      • Elliot Gould (punching Krusty the Clown): Say hello to Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice. (Season 14 episode The Dad Who Knew Too Little)
    • English Pimple-faced Teen, Homer Simpson & Judy Dench
      • English Pimple-faced Teen: Welcome to Judy Dench's Fish & Chips. Now completely free of Mad Fish Disease.
        Homer Simpson: Fish? I don't know, I'm not really a vegetarian.
        English Pimple-faced Teen: Please order, or Mrs. Dench will be furious. She'll beat us, she will.
        Judy Dench: Who are you talking to?
        English Pimple-faced Teen: No one, mum, I swear!
        Judy Dench: I'll mum you.
        (Season 15 episode The Regina Monologues)
    • Executioner Donut
      • Executioner Donut: Mmmm... Homer.
    • Farmer Billy & Announcer
      • Farmer Billy: Do you love that soo-weet smell of Farmer Billy's Bacon? Would you like to see how a pig goes from loving life to your fork and knife? Well, if you open up one of these packages and find a golden ticket, you get a tour of Farmer Billy's Bacon Factory!
        Announcer: Warning - Bacon factory may explode.
        Farmer Billy: You'll see the hoof grinder! The marrow sluice! And of course, the five-story pig shredder, blessed by three popes! If you like bacon, you're gonna love it. And if you don't like bacon, well, then the hell with you.
        (Season 15 episode Simple Simpson)
    • Fat Tony
      • Fat Tony: I don't get mad. I get stabby. (Season 11 episode Grift of the Magi)
    • The Flanders Press
      • The Flanders Press: PLAYTIME IS FUN (Season 7 episode Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily)
      • The Flanders Press: EXTRA EXTRA! TODD SMELLS (Season 7 episode Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily)
      • The Flanders Press: SIMPSON KIDS MISS MOM & DAD (Season 7 episode Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily)
    • Fox Mulder
      • Fox Mulder: But somewhere out there, something is watching us. There are alien forces acting in ways we can't perceive. Are we alone in the universe? Impossible when you consider the wonders that exist all around us. The voodoo priests of Haiti. the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia. The unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries! The truth is out there!
    • Frank Grimes & Bart Simpson
      • Frank Grimes: If you lived in any other country in the world you would have starved to death.
        Bart Simpson: He's got you there, Dad.
    • Gabriel
      • Gabriel: Homer, you're a bad man and your seed should be wiped from the Earth. No offense, children. (Season 13 episode Brawl in the Family)
    • Garbagemen & Homer Simpson
      • Garbageman No. 1: You called us trash-eating stinkbags.
        Garbageman No. 2: Didn't you learn anything from Love Day?
        Homer Simpson: That was yesterday, moron.
        (Season 9 episode Thrash of the Titans)
    • George Bush
      • George Bush: I'll ruin you like a Japanese banquet. (Season 7 episode Two Bad Neighbors)
    • George Washington
      • George Washington: We had quitters in the Revolution, too. We called them 'Kentuckians'.
    • Groundskeeper Willie
      • Groundskeeper Willie: Glad to "rake" your acquaintance. (Season 7 episode Treehouse of Horror VI - Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace)
      • Groundskeeper Willie: Now the kilt was only for day to day wear. In battle we donned a full length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury.
      • Groundskeeper Willie: You bath-takin, underpants-wearing, lily-hugger.
    • Groundskeeper Willie & Bart Simpson
      • Groundskeeper Willie: Boy, you read my thoughts! You've got the shinning.
        Bart Simpson: You mean shining. Groundskeeper Willie: You want to get sued?
        (Season 6 episode Treehouse of Horror V - segment: The Shinning)
    • Hank Hill
      • Hank Hill (from King of the Hill): We drove 2,000 miles for this? (Season 9 episode Bart Star)
    • Hans Moleman
      • Hans Moleman: A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see. My cataracts are blinding me.
    • Herb Powell
      • Herb Powell: It measures the pitch, the frequency, and the urgency of a baby's cry, and then tells whoever's around, in plain english, exaclty what the baby's trying to say! Everything from "Change me" to "Turn off that damn Raffi record!"
    • Homer Simpson
      • Homer Simpson: But I'm no super genius... or are I? (Season 15 episode Simple Simpson)
    • Homer Simpson
      • Homer Simpson: I'm a Spaulding Gray in a Rick Dees world! (Season 12 episode HOMR)
      • Homer Simpson: So, what do you like, Lisa? Via-ma-lin? Tuba-ma-ba? Obo-mo-boe?
      • Homer Simpson: I hope I didn't brain my damage.
      • Homer Simpson: You've been buzzing for queen bee since you entered this hive! (episode Trilogy of Error)
      • Homer Simpson: Love isn't hopeless. Look, maybe I'm no expert on the subject, but there was one time I got it right.
      • Homer Simpson: Oh, I'm sick of doin' Japanese stuff! In jail, we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play about the forty-seven Ronin, and I wanted to be Yoshia, but they made me Ori.
      • Homer Simpson: Damn you, eBay.
      • Homer Simpson: Note to self: Stop doing anything. (Season 8 episode The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)
      • Homer Simpson: We could start our own game where people throw ducks at balloons and nothing's the way it seems.
      • Homer Simpson: I know you can read my thoughts boy. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
      • Homer Simpson: Son, when you participate in sporting events it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get. (Season 5 episode Bart Gets an Elephant)
      • Homer Simpson: You all know me. I've kept the streets safe for you and your children. I've tricked or treated at many of your houses. Last year I was Jar Jar Binks.(Season 13 Poppa's Got a Brand New Badge)
      • Homer Simpson: Poachers are nature's way of keeping the balance. (episode Simpson Safari)
      • Homer Simpson: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the baldest of them all? (Season 15 episode Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore)
      • Homer Simpson: Trying is the first step towards failure. (Season 9 episode Realty Bites)
      • Homer Simpson: Let's dust a few fossils. (episode The Great Money Caper)
      • Homer Simpson: Just give me some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with you. (Season 8 episode The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)
      • Homer Simpson: Of course everything looks bad if you remember it.
      • Homer Simpson: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. (Season 8 episode Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment)
      • Homer Simpson: Choke on your candor! (Season 15 The Fat and the Furriest)
      • Homer Simpson: I felt this incredible surge of power, like what God feels when He's holding a gun.
      • Homer Simpson: Lobster hat, fishnet Speedo Jr., wheelie shoes invisible-dog leash. Well, I'm packed. (Season 6 episode Itchy & Scratchy Land)
      • Homer Simpson: I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot. (Season 5 The Last Temptation of Homer)
      • Homer Simpson: Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Well, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight.
      • Homer Simpson: Matt Groening? What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw! Oh, no! I'm being erased!
      • Homer Simpson: Who made you Judge Judy and executioner? (Season 14 episode Three Gays of the Condo)
      • Homer Simpson: Son, we're about to break the surly bonds of gravity and punch the face of God. (Season 13 episode She of Little Faith)
      • Homer Simpson: C'mon, Marge. We're a team. It's uter-us, not uter-you. (Season 12 episode HOMR)
      • Homer Simpson: Hey, if you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things.
      • Homer Simpson: You'll work off that cake in the acid mines! (episode The Great Money Caper)
      • Homer Simpson: Let that be a lesson to you, Sweetie. Never love anything. Especially me.
      • Homer Simpson: Now do you believe dead rats float, Lisa?
      • Homer Simpson: The truth never tasted so good. (episode Hungry Hungry Homer)
      • Homer Simpson: Stupid Flanders, you’re a genius. (Season 14 episode The Dad Who Knew Too Little)
      • Homer Simpson: Carnies built this country, the carnival part of it, anyway. And though they may be rat-like in appearance, they are truly kings among men.
      • Homer Simpson: Ooh! A trillion dollar bill! That's a spicy meatball!
      • Homer Simpson: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
      • Homer Simpson: God is teasing me! Just like he teased Moses in the desert!
      • Homer Simpson: That's the last time I trust the strangest people on Earth. (Season 10 episode Kidney Trouble)
      • Homer Simpson: You heard the monkey. Buy the stock.
      • Homer Simpson: Less artsy, more fartsy!
      • Homer Simpson: I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there please save me Superman! (Season 9 episode Lost Our Lisa)
      • Homer Simpson: My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R.
      • Homer Simpson: Badger my ass, it's probably Milhouse. (Season 12 episode A Tale of Two Springfields)
      • Homer Simpson (drinking a beer in his car instead of going to work): To professionalism.
      • Homer Simpson: I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in. (Season 6 episode Homer the Great)
      • Homer Simpson: Go ahead and smile, smart guy. I'm gonna mop you up like turkey gravy! (episode Trilogy of Error)
      • Homer Simpson: Okay, we'll go to the convention, sell my Lois Lane comics, buy some Jimmy Olsens, and stop Edna from making a terrible mistake. (Season 15 My Big Fat Geek Wedding)
      • Homer Simpson: Give me some inner peace or I'll mop the floor with you!
      • Homer Simpson: Woo Hoo! Cheap Meat!
      • Homer Simpson: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!
      • Homer Simpson: It all happened in 1990. Back then, the Artist formerly known as Prince was currently known as Prince. (Season 9 episode Lisa's Sax)
      • Homer daydreams about a tasty treat like whipped cream when Snake threatens to pistol whip him all night. Homer Simpson: Mmmm... pistol whip. (Season 13 A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love)
      • Homer Simpson: We're going out, Marge. If we don't come back, avenge our deaths. (Season 8 episode Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment)
      • Homer Simpson (introducing Homer's Museum of Hollywood Jerks): Step right up and see the world's greatest collection of Alec-and-Ron-and-Kimorabilia!
      • Homer Simpson: Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh. (Season 3 episode Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington)
      • Homer Simpson (outgoing phone answering machine message: Hi. This is Jerry Maguire. Show the the message. SHOW ME THE MESSAGE! (Season 9 episode This Little Wiggy)
      • Homer Simpson: Somebody light this monkey! (episode Simpson Safari)
      • Homer Simpson: Stupid gravity. (Season 9 episode Bart Carny)
      • Homer Simpson: First you didn't want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!
      • Homer Simpson: That's why I need a name that's cutting-edge, like CutCo, EdgeCom, Interslice. (Season 9 episode Das Bus)
      • Homer Simpson: When I'm kicking you, that means hurry up.
      • Homer Simpson: It's a handgun! Isn't it great? This is the trigger, and this is the thing you point at whatever you want to die.
      • Homer Simpsons: Expand your mind! The doors of perception are open for business. (Season 10 episode D'oh-In' in the Wind)
      • Homer Simpson: Mmmm... free goo.
      • Homer Simpson: Snakes. Nature's quitters. (Season 12 episode Treehouse of Horror XI - segment G-G-Ghost D-D-Dad)
      • Homer Simpson: No TV and no beer make Homer something something. (Season 6 episode Treehouse of Horror V - segment: The Shinning)
      • Homer Simpson: You don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order. You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge. It's Chinatown! (Season 5 episode Secrets of a Successful Marriage)
      • Homer Simpson: Mmmm... crumbled-up cookie things.
      • Homer Simpson: So she was made of chimps! (episode Simpson Safari)
      • Homer Simpson (sung like the Batman theme song): Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-fishing! fishing! fishing! (Season 9 episode The Joy of Sect)
      • Homer Simpson: Don't hassle the dead, boy, they have eerie powers!
      • Homer Simpson: Everything looks bad if you remember it. (Season 8 episode The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)
      • Homer Simpson: Well, you tried and you failed. The lesson here is, don't try.
      • Homer Simpson: I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there is no god.
      • Homer Simpson (after Marge accidentally cuts off the tip of his thumb): Sorry doesn’t put thumbs on the hand, Marge! (Season 12 episode Trilogy of Error)
      • Homer Simpson: Nobody, but nobody, eats the Simpsons! (Season 2 episode Treehouse of Horror - segment: Hungry are the Damned)
      • Homer Simpson: I decided to mix the little bits that were left in every liquor bottle. In my haste I had grabbed a bottle of the kids' cough syrup. I don't know the scientific explanation, but fire made it good. (Season 3 episode Flaming Moe's)
      • Homer Simpson: Great, now my testicle's got ants on it. (Season 11 episode Missionary: Impossible)
      • Homer Simpson: Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda. (Season 3 episode I Married Marge)
      • Homer Simpson (drowning in the ocean): Maggie - call Aquaman! (Season 11 episode Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder)
      • Homer Simpson: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
      • Homer Simpson: Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
      • Homer Simpson: Man, this is crazy. I hope I didn't brain my damage. (Season 8 episode The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)
      • Homer Simpson: Like we say in my country, hasta la vista, baby! (Season 10 episode 30 Minutes Over Tokyo)
      • Homer Simpson: Weaselin' outta things is what separates us from the animals. except the weasel. (episode Boy Scoutz N the Hood)
      • Homer Simpson: I punched Burns right in his 104 year old face.
      • Homer Simpson: Oh my god, space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids, eat them! (Season 8 episode Treehouse of Horror VII - Citizen Kang)
    • Homer Simpson & Bart Simpson
      • Homer Simpson: First I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world - doggie heaven. In doggie heaven, there's mountains of bones and you can't turn around without sniffing another dog's butt. All the best dogs are there - Old Yeller and about eight Lassies…
        Bart Simpson: Is there a doggie hell? There couldn't be a heaven without a hell. Who's in there?
        Homer Simpson: Oh Hitler's dog and that dog Nixon had, what's his name? Chester? Checkers. One of the Lassies is in there too. The mean one - the one that mauled Timmy.
        (Season 3 episode Dog of Death)
      • Homer Simpson: You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
        Bart Simpson: TV sucks.
        Homer Simpson: I know you're upset so I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
      • Homer Simpson: Someday you'll thank me for this boy.
        Bart Simpson: Not bloody likely.
      • Homer Simpson: So who won? The Losers?
        Bart Simpson: No, they lost.
        (Season 10 episode Wild Barts Can't Be Broken)
    • Homer Simpson & Clerk
      • Homer Simpson: I'd like to file for divorce.
        Clerk: These things happen. Eight dollars.
    • Homer Simpson & Comic Book Guy
      • Homer Simpson: I'd like to buy a mint condition Spider-Man number one, please.
        Comic Book Guy: And I'd like an hour on the holodeck with Seven of Nine.
        (Season 11 episode Homer vs. Dignity)

    • Homer Simpson & Frank Grimes
      • Homer Simpson: Are you okay Grimey?
        Frank Grimes: I'm better than okay, I'm Homer Simpson!
        Homer Simpson: You wish.
    • Homer Simpson & Homer's Memory
      • Homer's Memory: Find your soul mate, Homer.
        Homer Simpson: Where? Where?
        Homer's Memory: This is just your memory. I can't give you any new information.
    • Homer Simpson & Lisa Simpson
      • Homer Simpson: I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
        Lisa Simpson: I'd like to believe that this time, I really would.
        (Season 5 episode Rosebud)
    • Homer Simpson & Marge Simpson
      • Homer Simpson: I'm confused. Is this a happy ending, or a sad ending?
        Marge Simpson: It's an ending, that's enough.
        (Season 5 episode Rosebud)
    • Homer Simpson & Moe Szyslak
      • Homer Simpson: You should join my religion, Moe. It's great. No hell, no kneeling.
        Moe Szyslak: Sorry, Homer. I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler.
        (Season 4 Homer the Heretic)
      • Homer Simpson: Damage report, Mr. Moe.
        Moe Szyslak: Sonar out, navigation out, radio out.
        Homer Simpson: Enough of what's out. What's in?
        Moe Szyslak: Ice-blended mocha drinks and David Schwimmer.
        Homer Simpson: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.
    • Homer Simpson & Mr. Sulu
      • Homer Simpson: People's lives are depending on me, I can't waste anymore time. Mr. Sulu, make a left.
        Mr. Sulu: Aye-aye, captain. Setting course for Rigel Seven. I mean home.
        (Season 9 episode Simpson Tide)
    • Homer Simpson & St. Peter
      • Homer Simpson: I thought you guys could see everything.
        St. Peter: You're thinking of Santa Claus.
        (Season 12 episode Treehouse of Horror XI - segment G-G-Ghost D-D-Dad)
    • Homer's Spirit Guide
      • Homer's Spirit Guide: Clarity is the path to inner peace.
    • Intertitle
      • Intertitle: Moe's Bar. 3:02 PM. Temperature 72 degrees. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy (Season 8 episode The Twisted World of Marge Simpson)
    • Jacques
      • Jacques: Marge, darling, there are ten pins in my heart. You've knocked over eight. Won't you please pick up that spare? (Season 1 episode Life on the Fast Lane)
    • Jebediah Springfield
      • A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man. (Season 7 episode Lisa the Iconoclast)
      • Jebediah Springfield: Know ye who read this, there is more to my life than history records. Firstly, I did not tame the legendary buffalo. I merely shot it.
    • Jesse Grass
      • Jesse Grass: I'm a level five vegan. I won't eat anything that casts a shadow. (Season 12 episode Lisa the Tree Hugger)
    • Jimbo Jones
      • Jimbo Jones: I mean, throwing rocks at a statue is one thing, but I'd never cut the head off a guy who iced a bear with his bare hands.
    • John Coffey
      • John Coffey: You want some cornbread, Mr. Jingles? Well, you can forget it, Because I'm gonna kill you! (Season 13 The Frying Game)
    • Johnny Unitas & Angelique
      • Johnny Unitas: So, what do you think of the Lady Krusty Mustache-Removal System, Angelique?
        Angelique: It's Krusterrific, Johnny Unitas. But is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this?
        Johnny Unitas: Probably.
        (Season 6 episode Homie the Clown)
    • Kang
      • Kang: Holy phlerking schnit! (Season 10 episode Treehouse of Horror IX - segment Starship Poopers)
      • Kang: That board with the nail in it may have defeated us. But the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails. Soon, they will make a board with a nail so big it will destroy them all!
      • Kang: Holy flurking schnit!
    • Kang & Marge Simpson
      • Kang: We offered you paradise. You would have experienced emotions a hundred times greater than what you call love and a thousand times greater than what you call fun. You would have been treated like gods and lived forever in beauty. But now, because of your distrustful nature, that can never be.
        Marge Simpson: For a superior race, they really rub it in.
    • Kent Brockman
      • Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.
      • Kent Brockman: I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Democracy simply doesn't work.
      • Kent Brockman: I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
      • Kent Brockman: I know you've been through a lot, but you've got to stand in front of the burning house and say, "Channel 6 is hot, hot, hot!"
      • Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman, just outside the county courtroom, where an argument about chowder has spilled over into the biggest trial in Springfield history. Behind these doors, a federal judge will ladle out steaming bowls of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have dubbed Beat-up Waiter. This reporter suggested Waitergate, but was shouted down at the press club. (Season 5 episode The Boy Who Knew Too Much)
      • Kent Brockman: Good Night and have a pleasant tomorrow. (episode The Great Money Caper)
      • Kent Brockman: This just in - Go to Hell!
      • Kent Brockman: Well, this reporter was. possibly a little hasty earlier and would like to. reaffirm his allegiance to this country and its human president. It may not be perfect, but it's the best government we have. For now.
      • Kent Brockman: Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that, for one reason or another, he cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so, the following people are gay...
    • Kirk Van Houten
      • Kirk Van Houten: Aw, cram it churchie!
    • Kodos
      • Kodos: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?
    • Krusty the Clown
      • Krusty the Clown: I don't wanna hit a sore spot, but can we talk about Herpes? Herpes-Herpes, bo-berpes, banana-fana-fo-ferpes, Herpes! Hey, that spot on Gorbachev's head? Herpes, trust me. anybody here have Herpes? Huh? Huh? You people are the worst audience I've ever seen!
      • Krusty the Clown: Hey, Mel, bring me another nicotine patch. I think there's some space on my butt.
      • Krusty the Clown: Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face.
      • Krusty the Clown: Fifteen thousand mazzulians? Holy Shlamola! Whaddya gonna do with all that kablingy?
      • Krusty the Clown: Fasten your funny belts as our very own Chimp 'N' Dale dancer gives you the Full Monkey! (episode Day of the Jacknapes)
      • Krusty the Clown: First of all, my real name isn't Krusty the Clown. It's Herschel Krustofsky. My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's father... well, you get the idea.
      • Krusty the Clown: Then, you got these lady comics talkin' about stuff that would embarrass Redd Foxx, God rest his smutty soul. Who they slept with, what time they sit on the can. This is supposed to get you a husband?
    • Krusty The Clown
      • Krusty the Clown (at the Jewish Walk of Fame): Why ain't I here? I'm a bigger name than... Chaim Potok! What is he, some kind of Klingon? (Season 15 episode Today I am a Clown)
    • Krusty the Clown
      • Krusty the Clown: They drove a dump truck of money up to my house! I'm not made of stone!
      • Krusty the Clown: It wasn't my fault. It was the Percodan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now a word from our sponsor. Percodan? Oh, crap. (Season 6 episode Round Springfield)
    • Krusty the Clown & Assistant
      • Krusty the Clown: I've had plenty of guys come after me and I've buried 'em all. Hobos, sea captains, Joey Bishop.
        Assistant: Don't forget the Special Olympics.
        Krusty the Clown: Oh, yeah. I slaughtered the Special Olympics.
    • Krusty The Clown & Leonard Nimoy
      • Krusty the Clown: Krusty wants out!
        Leonard Nimoy: No. The world needs laughter.
        (Season 4 episode Marge vs. The Monorail)
    • Lackluster Video Employee & Homer Simpson
      • Lackluster Video employee: I'm sorry, Sir, the computer says the movie Chocolate Star Wars doesn't exist.
        Homer Simpson: I say you don't exist!
    • Lance Murdock
      • Lance Murdock: It's always good to see young people taking an interest in danger. (Season 2 episode Bart the Daredevil)
    • Lenny
      • Lenny: Automatics weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason - to take out today's modern super animals, such as the flying squirrel and the electric eel.
      • Lenny: Uh-oh, sharks, the assassins of the sea. (Season 12 episode Treehouse of Horror XI - segment Night of the Dolphin)
      • Lenny: Oh, you're not sharks, you're dolphins, the clowns of the sea. (Season 12 episode Treehouse of Horror XI - segment Night of the Dolphin)
      • Lenny: Alcohol and night swimming - it's a winning combination! (Season 12 episode Treehouse of Horror XI - segment Night of the Dolphin)
    • Lenny & Carl
      • Lenny: I say Phantom Menace sucked more.
        Carl: I say Attack of the Clones sucked more.
        (Season 14 episode C.E. D'oh)
      • There's nothing like revenge for Lenny: getting back at people.
        Carl: I don't know - vengeance is pretty good.
        (Season 12 episode A Tale of Two Springfields)
    • Lenny Kravitz & Mick Jagger
      • Lenny Kravitz: Couldn't find a more fuel efficient Satan?
        Mick Jagger: Lenny, don't you have a crotch to stuff?
        (Season 14 episode How I Spent My Strummer Vacation)
    • Lenny, Stan Lee & Comic Book Guy
      • Lenny: Look - it's the Incredible Hulk!
        Stan Lee: He can't be the Hulk! I'm the Hulk!
        Comic Book Guy: Oh please. You couldn't even change into Bill Bixby.
        Stan Lee: Come on, damn it, change! ...Ah, forget it. I really did it once.
        Comic Book Guy: Yes, yes, I just wish you had the power to leave my store.(Season 13 episode I am Furious Yellow)
    • Leonard Nimoy & Monorail Passenger
      • Leonard Nimoy: A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on.
        Monorail passenger: Does anyone want to switch seats?
        (Season 4 episode Marge vs. The Monorail)
    • Leprechaun
      • Leprechaun on Ralph's shoulder: Aw, you've done grand, laddie! Now you know what you have to do: burn the house down. Burn 'em all!
    • Lionel Hutz
      • Lionel Hutz: Wrong! You are not fine! You are in constant pain! (Season 2 episode Bart Gets Hit by a Car)
      • Lionel Hutz: Now, don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson. I... uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder. He's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog. Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly' and the word 'dog' with 'son'.
      • Lionel Hutz: I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer.
    • Lisa Simpson
      • Lisa Simpson: Well, I'm going to be a famous Jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs. And I may or may not die young, I haven't decided.
      • Lisa Simpson: Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to my psychiatrist? (Season 2 episode Dead Putting Society)
      • Lisa Simpson: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, then sold off piece by piece.
      • Lisa Simpson: My teacher said I need cupcakes... cupcakes to learn. (Season 12 episode Simpson Safari)
      • Lisa Simpson: And I'll be able to tackle all the hard-hitting children's news the grown-up-controlled media won't touch. Plus, I get to be on TV! (Season 9 episode Girly edition)
      • Lisa Simpson: Mom! Bart implied I was a warthog! (episode Simpson Safari)
      • Lisa Simpson: Can't talk, comin' down.
Lisa Simpson: An earring! How rebellious, in a conformist sort of way. (Season 9 episode Simpson Tide)
      • Lisa Simpson (on chalkboard): I will not be a snickerpuss. (Season 8 episode Lisa's Date with Density)
      • Lisa Simpson: Thursday. Meat loaf night. As it was, is now, and ever shall be. (Season 2 episode One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish)
      • Lisa Simpson: Don't make us poke your eyes out dad. (Season 7 episode Treehouse of Horror VI - segment Attack of the 50 Ft Eyesores)
      • Lisa Simpson: I am the Lizard Queen! (Season 4 episode Selma's Choice)
      • Lisa Simpson: And I'll be able to tackle all the hard-hitting children's news the grown-up-controlled media won't touch. Plus, I get to be on TV!
      • Lisa Simpson: You can strangle Bart, but you can't strangle your humiliation. (Season 15 The Fat and the Furriest)
      • Lisa Simpson: The Itchy & Scratchy movie is the defining moment of our generation.
      • Lisa Simpson: Principle Skinner - wait! I created the universe! Give me the gift certificate!
      • Lisa Simpson: Dad, women won't like being shot in the face. (Season 2 episode Wizard of Evergreen Terrace)
      • Lisa Simpson: Friends? These are my only friends. Grown up nerds like Gore Vidal and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.
      • Lisa Simpson: Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't. (Season 5 episode Homer the Vigilante)
      • Lisa Simpson: Good morning honey, did you cry out all your angries? (Season 14 episode The Dad Who Knew Too Little)
      • Lisa Simpson: The Simpsons have entered the forest. (Season 1 episode The Call of the Simpsons)
      • Lisa Simpson: Come on, Bart, in your pre-fascist days, you knew the giddy thrill of futile rebellion.
      • Lisa Simpson: I remember you from such filmstrips as Locker Room Towel Fight: The Blinding of Larry Driscoll. (Season 7 episode A Fish Called Selma)
      • Lisa Simpson: I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt. (Season 6 episode Bart vs. Australia)
    • Lisa Simpson & Abe Simpson
      • Lisa Simpson: how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?
        Abe Simpson: I don't know.
        (Season 4 episode The Front)
    • Lisa Simpson & Bart Simpson
      • Lisa Simpson: An alternate ending to Casablanca! Bart, this could be priceless!
        Bart Simpson: Priceless like a mother's love or the good kind of priceless?
      • Lisa Simpson: All right! It's time for ABC's TGIF line-up!
        Bart Simpson: Lis, when you get a little older, you'll realize that Friday is just another day between NBC's Must-See Thursday and CBS's Saturday night Crap-o-Rama.
        (Season 8 episode The Springfield Files)
      • Lisa Simpson: You cast the wrong spell. Zombies!
        Bart Simpson: Please, Lis. They prefer to be called the living-impaired.
    • Lisa Simpson & Bleeding Gums Murphy
      • Lisa Simpson: One more time!
        Bleeding Gums Murphy: Oh, come on, Lisa. I got a date with Billie Holliday.
    • Lisa Simpson & Erin
      • Lisa Simpson: My goony brother's always going to libraries.
        Erin: Oh, you like hangin' out, too?
        Lisa Simpson: Well, it beats doin' stuff.
        Erin: Yeah. Stuff sucks.
    • Lisa Simpson & Fortune Teller
      • Lisa Simpson: Wow, now that I know all this, isn't there a way to change the future?
        Fortune Teller: No, But try to look surprised.
    • Lisa Simpson & Homer Simpson
      • Lisa Simpson: Watch yourself, Dad. You're the highly suggestible type.
        Homer Simpson: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.
      • Lisa Simpson: I don’t like McNuggets, I’ma vegetarian.
        Homer Simpson: Still? Then you’re not gonna like your other present.
        (Season 14 episode The Dad Who Knew Too Little)
      • Lisa Simpson: Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at?
        Homer Simpson: Well, hookers and Spider-Man.
        (Season 14 episode Little Girl in the Big Ten)
      • Lisa Simpson: I'll spare you the embarrassment of admitting you don't know who Bob is. Sideshow Bob used to be Krusty the Clown's sidekick. But in 1990, he framed Krusty for armed robbery, and Bart got him put in jail. When he got out, he married Aunt Selma and tried to murder her.
        Homer Simpson: Oh, Sideshow Bob.
        (Season 6 episode Sideshow Bob Roberts)
    • Lisa Simpson & Marge Simpson
      • Lisa Simpson: Tiny little people! My god, I've created life!
        Marge Simpson: Lisa, breakfast! We're having waffles!
        Lisa Simpson: Ooh, waffles!
      • Lisa Simpson: Oh, those poor monkeys!
        Marge Simpson: But they started it!
    • Lisa Simpson & Milhouse
      • Lisa Simpson: Maybe I can't concentrate because of your cooties.
        Milhouse: It's called lice, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
        (Season 9 episode Lisa the Simpson)
    • Lisa Simpson & Nelson Muntz
      • Lisa Simpson: What are you thinking about, Nelson?
        Nelson Muntz: What am I thinking about what?
    • Lisa Simpson & Reverend Lovejoy
      • Lisa Simpson: So, even if a man takes bread to feed his starving family that would be stealing?
        Reverend Lovejoy: No. Well, it is if he puts anything on it. Jelly, for example.
    • Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson & Homer Simpson
      • Lisa Simpson: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
        Bart: Not if you called 'em stench blossoms.
        Homer: Or crapweeds.
        (Season 9 episode The Principal and the Pauper)
    • Lisa Simpson, Jonathan Frink, Sr. & Comic Book Guy
      • Lisa Simpson: You can still fly to Stockholm.
        Jonathan Frink, Sr.: Well, it'd better be first class. Comic Book Guy's ass won't fit in coach.
        Comic Book Guy: You may keep my posterior, just please return the "Jabba the Butt" tattoo.
        (Season 15 episode Treehouse of Horror XIV - segment Frinkenstein)
    • Little Boy & Amendment
      • Little Boy: But why can't we just make a law against flag burning?
        Amendment: Because that law would be unconstitutional. But if we change the Constitution.
        Little Boy: Then we could make all sorts of crazy laws!
        Amendment: Now you're catching on!
    • Lou, Chief Wiggum & Eddie (Pulp Fiction Parody)
      • Lou: You know, I went to the McDonald's in Shelbyville on Friday night.
        Chief Wiggum: The Mc-what?
        Lou: Uh, McDonald's restaurant. I never heard of it either, but, uh, they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
        Eddie: Must have sprung up over night.
        Lou: You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences.
        Chief Wiggum: Example.
        Lou: Well, at McDonald's, you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
        Chief Wiggum: Get out! What do they call it?
        Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
        Chief Wiggum: Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh, do they have Krusty partially gelatinated, non-dairy, gum-based beverages?
        Lou: Mm-hmm. They call them shakes.
        Eddie: Huh. Shakes. You don't know what you're gettin'.
        (Season 7 episode 22 Short Films About Springfield)
    • Louie
      • Louie: You're all talk, Mark Hamill - you never even finished Jedi school! (Season 10 episode Mayored to the Mob)
      • Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo. (Season 7 episode A Fish Called Selma)
    • Luann Van Houten & Kirk Van Houten
      • Luann Van Houten: If you want to talk nervous, you should have seen Kirk deal with the high school boys who egged our Bonneville.
        Kirk Van Houten: Heh. I should have asked them to hurl some bacon. Then maybe I could've had a decent breakfast for once.
    • Luann Van Houten & Milhouse
      • Luann Van Houten: You, Milhouse, you are getting a little doughy.
        Milhouse: Aw, can't I just have the surgery?
    • Lucy Lawless
      • Lucy Lawless: Xena needs xex! (Season 11 episode Treehouse of Horror X - segment Desperately Xeeking Xena)
    • Lunchlady Doris
      • Lunchlady Doris: Eternal darkness... well, that's just great. (Season 6 episode Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part 1)
      • Lunchlady Doris: More testicles mean more iron. (Season 5 episode Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song)
      • Lunchlady Doris: How come you kids never want seconds?
    • Maggie Simpson
      • Maggie Simpson: Daddily-Doodily. (Season 7 episode Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily)
    • Malibu Stacy
      • Malibu Stacy: Don't ask me, I'm just a girl.
    • Manjula & Apu
      • Manjula: I can't believe it. You closed the Kwik-E-Mart just for me.
        Apu: Well, you, and the health inspector.
      • Manjula: Oh Apu, take me now!
        Apu: Oh, Calcutta!
        (Season 11 episode Eight Misbehavin')
    • Marge Simpson
      • Marge Simpson (while watching TV reality show Promiscuos Idiots Island): Get ready skanks - here comes the truth train! (Season 15 episode Simple Simpson)
    • Marge Simpson
      • Marge Simpson: Homey, I like your 'in your face' humanity. (episode Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield)
      • Marge Simpson: A professional in an ape mask is still a professional. (Season 7 episode Bart the Fink)
      • Marge Simpson: You've just been Marge-inalized. (Season 14 episode The Strong Arms of the Ma)
      • Marge Simpson: Homer, you know how unpredictable the French are. One minute they're kissing a woman's hand, the next they're chopping off her head.
      • Marge Simpson: Fox turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually I hardly noticed. (episode Lisa's Wedding)
      • Marge Simpson: There's no shame in being a pariah.
      • Marge Simpson: Oh, Homer, of course you'll have a bad impression of New York if you only focus on the pimps and the C.H.U.D.s.
      • Marge Simpson: You talk too much! Abraca-blab-ra, am I right? The ladies know what I'm talking about. (episode The Great Money Caper)
      • Marge Simpson: Bart, stop pestering Satan. (Season 7 episode The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular! - outtake)
      • Marge Simpson: The only thing I'm high on is love. Love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little L.S.D. is all I need. (Season 7 episode Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily)
      • Marge Simpson: We better stay inside, at least until the squirrels stop melting. (Season 13 episode Brawl in the Family)
      • Marge Simpson (drinking Long Island Ice Tea): I'd like to visit that Long Island place. if only it were real. (episode The Great Money Caper)
      • Marge Simpson: That's no gentleman. That's my husband. (episode The Great Money Caper)
      • Marge Simpson: Homer, you get tired watching the Twilight Zone marathon! (episode New Kids on the Blecch)
      • Marge Simpson: Homer, your growing insanity is starting to worry me. (Season 10 episode Homer to the Max)
      • Marge Simpson: No one's going Catholic. Three children is enough, thank you!
      • Marge Simpson: Go out on a Tuesday? Who am I, Charlie Sheen?
      • Marge Simpson: It's time we opened up a can of whup-tushie on this situation!
      • Marge Simpson: Wow - if your fly wasn't open, you'd look just like Roger Moore. (Season 10 episode Treehouse of Horror IX - segment Hell Toupée)
      • Marge Simpson: This witch hunt is turning into a circus! (Season 9 episode Treehouse of Horror VIII - segment Easy-Bake Coven)
    • Marge Simpson & Homer Simpson
      • Marge Simpson (seeing Bill Clinton): I feel like Cinderella!
        Homer Simpson: Me too. Let's sing the Cinderella song!
      • Marge Simpson: A dishonorable discharge! It's the best we could have hoped for!
        Homer Simpson: You can't spell 'dishonorable' without 'honorable'!
      • Marge Simpson: We'll have a $3300 credit at Chanel.
        Homer Simpson: They have beer and gum, right?
        (episode Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield)
      • Marge Simpson: Remember, you're vulnerable to Krypronite!
        Homer Simpson: Jeez, Marge! Tell the neighborhood!
        (Season 11 episode Treehouse of Horror X - segment Desperately Xeeking Xena)
      • Marge Simpson: You said you'd do it as a favor to me.
        Homer Simpson: That doesn't sound like something I'd say.
      • Marge Simpson: You said this monkey would be sweeping the floors and cleaning the gutters, and now he just lies there, struggling to breathe.
        Homer Simpson: What do you want? His cholesterol's through the roof!
    • Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson & Homer Simpson
      • Marge Simpson: You agreed to spend one Saturday a month doing something with the kids.
        Bart Simpson: Oh, quit complaining. It's half the work of a divorced dad.
        Homer Simpson: Yeah, but it's twice as much as a deadbeat dad.
    • Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson & Lisa Simpson
      • Marge Simpson: So you're married and you're looking for your first house. Mr. and Mrs…?Bart Simpson: Superman.
        Lisa Simpson: Oh, don't listen to my husband. He's just an idiot.
        (Season 9 episode Realty Bites)
    • Marge Simpson, Lisa Simpson & Bart Simpson
      • Marge Simpson: No chores, no allowance.
        Lisa Simpson: Okay, we get our room and and board free, anyway.
        Bart Simpson: And Santy Claus provides the rest.
    • Marge Simpson, Lisa Simpson & Rainier Wolfcastle
      • Marge Simpson: I hope you enjoy these German sausages. I've been grinding all day, so I'm not sure what organ meat is in what intestinal casing.
        Lisa Simpson: Bratwurst, sauerbraten, donderblitzen... Oh, Mom, isn't there anything vegetarian?
        Rainier Wolfcastle: Homer, I see your daughter is one of those whale-kissing Dukakis-hugging moon maidens.
        (Season 13 episode The Bart Wants What It Wants)
    • Marge Simpson, Patty Bouvier & Selma Bouvier
      • Marge Simpson: Thanks for taking the children while I'm away.
        Patty Bouvier: Don't worry yourself.
        Selma Bouvier: Uh-huh. We've got six months of maternity leave we're never going to use anyway.
    • Mark Hamill
      • Mark Hamill (singing to the tune of 'Luck Be A Lady'): Luke be a Jedi tonight! Just be a Jedi tonight! Do it for for Yoda, while we serve our guests a soda!
      • Mark Hamill: Shoot. I forgot my lightsaber. Oh wait, here it is. (Season 10 episode Mayored to the Mob)
      • Mark Hamill: Hey everybody. I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see here, you can save up to three times more than the more dependable companies.
      • Mark Hamill: Hey, thanks everybody. You know I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see, you stand to save up to 17 cents a month over the more dependable providers. (Season 10 episode Mayored to the Mob)
      • Mark Hamill: Luke, be a Jedi tonight! Just be a Jedi tonight! Do it for Yoda, while we serve our guests a soda. Uh, and do it for Chewie, and the Ewoks, and all the other puppets... Luke, be a Jedi tonight! (Season 10 episode Mayored to the Mob)
    • Mark Hamill & Homer Simpson
      • Mark Hamill: Homer, use the for…
        Homer Simpson: The force?
        Mark Hamill: The forks. Use the forks.
        (Season 10 episode Mayored to the Mob)
    • Martha Prince & Comic Book Guy
      • Martha Prince: While my son's at fat camp, I cleaned out his room. How much will you give me for this?
        Comic Book Guy: Probably nothing, but let us see. Oh… handwritten script for Star Wars by George Lucas? Princess Leia's anti-jiggle breast tape? Film reel labeled "Alternate ending: Luke's Father is Chewbacca
?" Ooh! Ooh! …I'll give you five dollars for the box.
        Martha Prince: Sold.
        (Season 12 episode Worst Episode Ever)

    • Martin Prince
      • Martin Prince: Pick me, pick me, teacher! I'm ever so smart!
      • Martin Prince: Mischief varies inversely with proximity to the authority figure. (Season 2 episode Bart Gets an F)
    • Maude Flanders
      • Maude Flanders (Statue Inscription in Praiseland): She taught us the joy of shame and the shame of joy.
      • Maude Flanders: I was at Bible Camp. I was learning how to be more judgmental. (Season 6 episode Bart of Darkness)
    • Mayor Quimby
      • Mayor Quimby: Oh, God, can't this town go one day without a riot?
      • Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse? (episode Lisa the Iconoclast)
      • Mayor Quimby: People, please. We're all frightened and horny. But we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring. (Season 12 episode Treehouse of Horror XI - segment Night of the Dolphin)
    • Mayor Quimby & Leonard Nimoy
      • Mayor Quimby: How about that, folks? Now I'd like to turn things over to our grand marshal, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.
        Leonard Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least warp five.
        Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May the force be with you."
        Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
        Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one Of the Little Rascals?
        (Season 4 episode Marge vs. The Monorail)
    • Meganaut & Princess Tempura
      • Meganaut: Electro-web deploy - now I control the Roboverse!
        Princess Tempura: Your laugh is incorrect Meganaut. Activate prawn power!
        (Season 12 episode HOMR)
    • Mel Gibson
      • Mel Gibson: It's hell being Mel. (Season 11 episode Beyond Blunderdome)
    • Mick Jagger
      • Mick Jagger: Rule number one: There are no rules! Rule number two: No outside food. (Season 14 episode How I Spent My Strummer Vacation)
    • Milhouse
      • Milhouse: Ants are crawling in my mouth and I don't care.
      • Milhouse: My dad's a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory.
      • Milhouse: I fear to watch, but I cannot turn away. (Season 5 The Last Temptation of Homer)
      • Milhouse (about Santa's Little Helper): Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied and said I never had any goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl? (Season 8 episode The Canine Mutiny)
      • Milhouse: You're funny. And the world needs a clown.
      • Milhouse: Sure, we have order, but at what price?
      • Milhouse: How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy! (Season 3 episode Bart's Friend Falls in Love)
    • Milhouse & Bart Simpson
      • Milhouse: Sweet Valley High! Krusty played a Batman villain?
        Bart Simpson: Well, sure. He was also Uncle Velderschmoink on Bewitched.
        (Season 14 episode Large Marge)
      • Milhouse: Hey, Bart, where did you get the lumber?
        Bart Simpson: As three-time derby champ Ronnie Beck says, "poorly guarded construction sites are a gold mine."
        (Season 3 episode Saturdays of Thunder)
    • Milhouse & Comic Book Guy
      • Milhouse: This magazine you sold me isn't Fantastic Four. It's Fantastic Floor. My family can't put in floors - we rent!
        Comic Book Guy: Sorry, no refunds.
        (Season 15 episode Simple Simpson)
    • Milhouse & Kearney
      • Milhouse: So, how many copies of Biclops would you like?
        Kearney: Biclops? Who's his girlfriend - Lois Lame?
        Milhouse: He's kinda afraid of girls.

        (Season 12 episode Worst Episode Ever)
    • Miss Hoover
      • Miss Hoover: Got. To. Get. Out. Of. Here. Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean.
    • Miss Hoover & Lisa Simpson
      • Miss Hoover: He didn't touch my lesson plan. What did he teach you?
        Lisa Simpson: That life is worth living.
    • Moe Szyslak
      • Moe Szyslak: Everybody is going to family restaurants these days. Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more.
      • Moe Szyslak: Aw, there's nobody for Moe. I'm just gonna die lonely and ugly and dead.
      • Moe Szyslak: Oh the flash fryer's here. I got it used from the Navy. You could flash fry a Buffalo in 40 seconds. (Season 7 Bart Sells His Soul)
      • Moe Szyslak (whispering to postal worker delivering his mail): Oh that's it, baby. All for Moe. Oh yeah, work the slot. Show me the package. (Season 11 episode Days of Wine and D'oh'ses)
      • Moe Szyslak: Aw, Homer, you know your money's no good here- hey, wait a minute! This is real money!
      • Moe Szyslak: Watch what you're doing there, sack monkey! You're bruising my Duralog! (episode Simpson Safari)
      • Moe Szyslak: That's the stupidest story I've ever heard, and I read the entire Sweet Valley High series!
      • Moe Szyslak: It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt? When I get ahold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood! (Season 1 episode Moaning Lisa)
      • Moe Szyslak: C'mon, Homer. We're goin' to Sears to feel the bras.
      • Moe Szyslak: Power off, Einstein! (Season 12 episode HOMR)
      • Moe Szyslak: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
    • Moe Szyslak & David Byrne
      • Moe Szyslak: Uh, you ever seen the movie Misery?
        David Byrne: Actually, no.
        Moe Szyslak: Then this'll all be new to ya.
        (Season 14 episode Dude, Where's My Ranch?)
    • Mr. Bergstrom
      • Mr. Bergstrom: And for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys, ladies and gentlemen. Big guys, who were great shots, and spent money freely.
      • Mr Bergstrom: Feel free to make fun of my name if you want. Two suggestions are Mister Nerdstrom and Mister Boogerstrom.
    • Mr. Burns
      • Mr. Burns: Look at them, Smithers, Goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds! Little do they realize their days of sucking at my teat are numbered!
      • Mr. Burns: As usual, you've been the sober yin to my raging yang.
      • Mr. Burns: If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift or the Jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts that God gave them? Well, I say, cheating is the gift man gives himself.
      • Mr. Burns: All right, Simpson, let's go over the signals. If I tug the bill of my cap like so, it means the signal is a fake. However, I can take that off by dusting my hands thusly. If I want you to bunt, I will touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice.
      • Mr. Burns: I know, let's make real men. Out of snow.
      • Mr. Burns: Ah, 206 bones, fifty miles of small intestines, full, pouting lips. Why, this fellow is less a snowman than a god.
      • Mr. Burns: He's the perfect one to suckle at my proverbial teet.
      • Mr. Burns: I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers. You know that dream where you're in bed and they fly in through the window?
      • Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, I've always despised the laziness of the common worker. Then I realized his spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak. So I replaced the flesh- which is weak- with steel- which is strong. Behold, the greatest breakthrough in labor relations since the cat-o-nine tails!
      • Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow. And left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
      • Mr. Burns: My darling, since my kneecaps are filling with fluid as we speak, I'll be brief. Will you marry me?
      • Mr. Burns: You're in deep Doh now. (Episode Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield)
      • Mr. Burns: Oh, meltdown. It's one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.
      • Mr. Burns: I can't believe it! I'm still not among the hundred most popular billionaires! I'm behind Adam Sandler, for god's sake!
      • Mr. Burns: Well, if it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that, too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that!
      • Mr. Burns: Let's blow this facist popsicle stand!
      • Mr. Burns: Excellent.
      • Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm back in the pink! Full of pith and vinegar!
      • Mr. Burns: Damn it, Smithers, this isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery. (Season 3 episode Treehouse of Horror II)
      • Mr Burns: Oh, the Germans are mad at me, I'm so scared. Oh, the Germans. (Season 3 episode Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk)
      • Mr. Burns: The only ship worth a damn is friendship. Look, here comes the friend ship sailing your way. (Season 7 episode Team Homer)
      • Mr. Burns: Does anyone have change for a button?
      • Mr. Burns: Simpson, I need your help. I want to be loved.
      • Mr. Burns: Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival and now she wants to quiz because she's losing? Well, I say "Hard Cheese!"
      • Mr. Burns: Oh, yes, sitting - the great leveler. From the mightiest pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, who doesn't enjoy a good sit?
      • Mr. Burns: Look, Smithers, a twitch. It's moving! It's alive! Oh, that fellow at Radio Shack said I was mad! Well, who's mad now?
      • Mr. Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.
    • Mr. Burns & Charles Darwin
      • Mr. Burns: So you're saying this fish might have an advantage over other fish, that it may in fact by a kind of superfish.
        Charles Darwin: I wouldn't mind having a third eye, would you?
    • Mr. Burns & Waylon Smithers
      • Mr. Burns: 7-G? God, who's the safety inspector there?
        Waylon Smithers: Uh, Homer Simpson, Sir.
        Mr. Burns: Simpson, 'eh? Good man? Intelligent?
        Waylon Smithers: Actually, Sir, he was hired under Project Bootstrap.
        Mr. Burns: Thank you, President Ford.
      • Mr Burns: Smithers, what is the meaning of this slacking off?
        Waylon Smithers: Uh, there's a bee in my eye, Sir.
        Mr Burns: And?
        Waylon Smithers: I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.
        Mr Burns: But we're running out of forward momentum!
    • Mr. Rogers
      • Mr. Rogers: It's a beautiful day to kick your ass! (Season 11 episode Missionary: Impossible)
    • Mr. Sparkle
      • Mr. Sparkle: I'm disrespectful of dirt! Can you see I am serious? Get out of my way, all of you! This is no place for loafers. Join me or die. Can you do any less? (Season 8 episode In Marge We Trust)
    • Mr. T
      • Mr. T: I pity the fool who derives self-esteem from mocking other people's clothes. (Season 13 episode I am Furious Yellow)
    • Mrs. Krabappel
      • Mrs. Krabappel: Most of you will never fall in love, and marry out of fear of dying alone.
      • Mrs. Krabappel: Now, I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. If any.
    • Mrs. Krabappel & Martin Prince
      • Mrs. Krabappel: Now who can tell me the atomic weight of bolgnium?
        Martin Prince: Delicious?Mrs. Krabappel: Correct. I would also accept snacktacular.
        (Season 10 episode Lisa Gets an ‘A')
    • Mrs. Krabappel & Miss Hoover
      • Mrs. Krabappel: Embiggens? Hmm. I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.
        Miss Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.
    • Mrs. Krabappel & Nelson Muntz
      • Mrs. Krabappel: Nelson, Nelson, Nelson. Oh, how many kids have you beaten up this year?
        Nelson Muntz: I dunno. Fifty.
        Mrs. Krabappel: Ah, fifty. Where does the time go?
    • Mrs. Krabappel & Ralph Wiggum
      • Mrs. Krabappel: Ralph, are you eating the paste?
        Ralph Wiggum: No.
    • Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon
      • Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: I have come to see the woman for whom Apu was willing to disgrace his family and spit on his culture.
    • Navitron Auto-Drive System
      • Navitron Auto-Drive System: I'm afraid I can't let you do this, Red. The risk is unacceptable. (Season 10 episode Maximum Homerdrive)
    • Ned Flanders
      • Ned Flanders: Greetings from Nededdy Space Center on Cape Flandaveral. (Season 13 episode She of Little Faith)
      • Ned Flanders: How you diddly doin neighbor?
      • Ned Flanders: You name it and I haven't done it. (Season 10 episode Viva Ned Flanders)
      • Ned Flanders: When I want to laugh, I'll take Bob Saget, thank you very much.
      • Ned Flanders (singing to the tune of Here Comes Santa Clause while heading for the Springfield Men's Mission: Here comes sandwiches, Here comes sandwiches, Right down boozy bum lane. Brother Ned's got cheese on bread and a side order of shame... (Season 15 episode Tis The Fifteenth Season)
      • Ned Flanders: Why me, God? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people! I don't drink or dance or swear! I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side! I've done everything the Bible says; even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do?
      • Ned Flanders: Oh golly, if that doesn't put the "Shaz" in Shazam!
      • Ned Flanders: Maude, come quick, the Simpsons are covered with Cooties! (Season 11 episode Little Big Mom)
      • Ned Flanders: I need to know. Is God punishing me?
      • Ned Flanders: I don't need to be told what to think- by anyone living.
      • Ned Flanders: Hey, kids! Nachos, Flanders-style. That's cucumbers with cottage cheese.
      • Ned Flanders: You name it, I haven't done it.
    • Ned Flanders & Reverend Lovejoy
      • Ned Flanders: Reverend, I'm afraid something has happened.
        Reverend Lovejoy: Well, sit down and rap with me, brother. That's what I'm here for.
        Ned: Well, I was talked into doing a dance called 'The Bump' but my buttocks came into contact with the buttocks of another young man!
    • Ned Flanders & Todd Flanders
      • Ned Flanders: Oh Hi Marge. Guess we gave you quite a start. We were painting Todd's room red - pretty messy work - and then we came out here to take a break.
        Todd: Red room. Red room. Over there.
        (Season 9 episode Realty Bites)
    • Nedward Flanders, Sr.
      • Nedward Flanders, Sr.: We don't believe in rules. Like we gave them up when we started living like freaky beatniks.
    • Nelson Muntz
      • Nelson Muntz: Here's one for the road, dude.
      • Nelson Muntz: Shoplifting is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark. (Season 7 episode Marge Be Not Proud)
      • Nelson Muntz: Smell ya later.
      • Nelson Muntz: Hey German boy, go back to Germania! (Season 7 episode Much App About Nothing)
      • Nelson Muntz: Shoplifting is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark.
    • Nelson Muntz & Homer Simpson
      • Nelson Muntz: Lisa! The cops are after me! I need a place to hide!
        Homer Simpson: Lisa's window is the next one over.
    • Nichelle Nichols & Comic Book Guy
      • Hello, I'm Nichelle Nichols of Star Trek.
        Comic Book Guy: Oh, you've finally accepted my invitation for tea and chit-chat!
        Ew. Listen, I said it to Shatner and I'm saying it to you. There is no way I'm going to be dating a man with pie on his face.
        (Season 15 episode Simple Simpson)
    • Oscar The Grouch & Elmo
      • Oscar the Grouch: Give us the money!

        Elmo: Elmo knows where you live!
        (Season 11 episode Missionary: Impossible)
    • Otto
      • Otto: They call 'em fingers, but I never see 'em ring... oh, there they go. (Season 3 episode Weekend at Burnsie's)
      • Otto: Oh, I guess this story has a happy ending after all, just like my last massage. (Season 15 episode The President Wore Pearls)
    • Otto Mann
      • Otto Mann: The only thing I was ever good at was driving a bus, and now 'The Man' says I need a piece of paper to do that.
      • Otto Mann: License? No can do. Never got one. But if you need proof of my identity, I wrote my name on my underwear. Oh, wait, these aren't mine!
    • Otto Mann & Bart Simpson
      • Otto Mann: Hey, Bart-dude. You look freaked.
        Bart Simpson: I got a test I'm not ready for. Can you crash the bus?
        Otto Mann: Sorry, I can't do it on purpose. But maybe you'll get lucky.
        (Season 2 episode Bart Gets an F)
    • Patty Bouvier & Selma Bouvier
      • Patty Bouvier: When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?
        Selma Bouvier: Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope.
    • Paul Newman
      • Paul Newman: Homer, I'll tell you what I told Redford - It ain't gonna happen. (Season 13 episode The Blunder Years)
    • Phillips
      • Phillips: I'm Phillips. They call me that 'cause I killed my husband with a Phillips head screwdriver.
    • Poochie
      • Poochie: The name's Poochie D, and I rock the telly. I'm half Joe Camel and a third Fonzarelli. I'm the kung-fu hippie from Gangsta City. I'm a rappin' surfer, you the fool I pity. (Season 8 episode The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochy Show)
    • President of The Italian-American Anti-Defamation League
      • President of the Italian-American Anti-Defamation League: Hey, wait a minute! I'm president of the Italian-American Anti-Defamation League, and this really burns my cannoli. (Season 14 episode Moe Baby Blues)
    • Principal Skinner
      • Principal Skinner: Silent anger - the cornerstone of a successful marriage. (Season 15 The Wandering Juvie)
      • Principal Skinner: Up yours children! (Season 9 episode The Principal and the Pauper)
      • Principal Skinner: His brand of gum - Doublemint. Trying to double your fun, Bart? Well, I'll double your detention. I wish someone was around to hear that.
      • Principal Skinner: Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
      • Principal Skinner: Ah, there's nothing more exciting than science. You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention. Science has it all.
      • Principal Skinner: They gave me a choice - jail, the army, or apologizing to the judge and the old lady. If I had known there was a war going on, I probably would have apologized.
      • Principal Skinner: Brandishing your buttocks is only getting me angrier.
      • Principal Skinner: My real name is Armin Tamzarian. I'm an orphan from Capital City, and those who recall my fight to outlaw teenage rudeness may be shocked to learn that I myself was once a street punk.
      • Principal Skinner: Hmmm, say what you will about our cafeteria. I still think they're the best tator tots money can buy.
      • Principal Skinner: Attention! All honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archeological dig! Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archeological dig.
      • Principal Skinner: Mother's gone too far. She's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented Man Without a Face. I didn't even know he had a problem.
      • Principal Skinner: I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.
      • Principal Skinner: It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo, and the nene. And it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock, and the titpecker.
      • Principal Skinner: Come on, Edna, don't be tardy! (Season 11 episode Homer vs. Dignity)
      • Principal Skinner: I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right.
      • Principal Skinner: Ah, there's no justice like angry mob justice.
    • Principal Skinner & Agnes Skinner
      • Principal Skinner: Now, maybe I've been a little too uptight in the past. Well, from now on you're gonna see a new Seymore Skinner!
        Agnes Skinner: Oh, no we won't!
        Principal Skinner: Yes, Mother.

      • Principal Skinner: I'm a veteran, mother.
        Principal Skinner: Agnes Skinner: A veteran bed-wetter.
        (Season 14 episode A Star is Born-Again)
    • Principal Skinner & Groundskeeper Willie
      • Principal Skinner: Congratulations, Simpson, you just fell for our sting and won yourself three months detention. There's no such thing as Scotchtoberfest!
        Groundskeeper Willie: There's not. You used me, Skinner! You used me!
    • Principal Skinner & Homer Simpson
      • Principal Skinner: And I'm not Seymour! My name is Armin! This is Armin's apartment,  Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas!
        Homer Simpson: Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin?
        Principal Skinner: Yes, you can. 
        (Season 9 episode The Principal and the Pauper)
      • Principal Skinner: I'm not Seymour Skinner. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas.
        Homer Simpson: Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin?
        Principal Skinner: Yes, you can.
    • Principal Skinner & Lisa Simpson
      • Principal Skinner: What are you rebelling against?
        Lisa Simpson: What d'you got?
    • Principal Skinner & Mrs. Krabappel
      • Principal Skinner: Blasted woman, you parked too close. Move your car!
        Mrs. Krabappel: I'm in the lines. You got a problem go tell your mama.
        Principal Skinner: Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this.
    • Principal Skinner & Superintendent Chalmers
      • Principal Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers! You didn't have to come all the way down here. Everything is under control.
        Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, I've had it. I've had it with this school, Skinner. The low test scores. Class after class of ugly, ugly children.
    • Principal Skinner, Maude Flanders & Krusty The Clown
      • Principal Skinner: We're not coming down until you acknowledge and celebrate our love! Maude Flanders: Excuse me, Edna. I don't think we're talking about love here. We are talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N! Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!
        (Season 8 episode Grade School Confidential)
    • Principal Skinner, Ralph Wiggum & Miss Hoover
      • Principal Skinner: Here's Ralph Wiggum's entry. Prepackaged Star Wars characters still in their display box? Are those limited edition action figures?
        Ralph Wiggum: What's a diorama? Why, it's Luke and Obi-Wan. And my favorite, Chewie. They're all here! What do you think?
        Miss Hoover: I think it's lunchtime.
        Principal Skinner: We have a winner!
        (Season 6 episode Lisa's Rival)
    • Professor Frink
      • Professor Frink: You've got to listen to me! Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving!
      • Professor Frink: Sorry I'm late! There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying. One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head. Oh no! Wait! Please, no! Please, I have a funny story, if you listen. I even wrote the theme music! There, listen. Hey! Hey! Professor Frink, Professor Frink, he'll make you laugh, he'll make you think. He likes to run and then the thing with the... person. Oh boy, that monkey is going to pay.
      • Professor Frink: Brilliant! They transduced amplitude modulation via the concavity of that oversized beverage conveyance. I mean that is some clever voyving.
      • Professor Frink: Brace yourselves, gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is. Love? Who's been screwing with this thing?
      • Professor Frink: Although we can't reach the boy, we can freeze him with liquid nitrogen so that future generations can rescue him.
    • Quentin Tarantino
      • Quentin Tarantino: What I'm trying to say in this cartoon is that violence is everywhere in our society, you know, it's like even in breakfast cereals, man. (Season 8 episode Simpsoncalifragilisticexpialad'ohcious - Itchy & Scratchy cartoon Reservoir Cats, parody of Reservoir Dogs)
    • Rabbi Krustofsky
      • Rabbi Krustofsky: Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying. Pie is for noshing, not for throwing.
    • Radioactive Man & Fallout Boy
      • Radioactive Man: These Laramie cigarettes give me the steady nerves I need to combat evil.
        Fallout Boy: Gee willikers, Radioactive Man. Wish I was old enough to smoke Laramies.
        Radioactive Man: Sorry, Fallout Boy, not until you're sixteen.
      • Radioactive Man: These Laramie cigarettes give me the steady nerves I need to combat evil.
        Fallout Boy: Gee willikers, Radioactive Man. Wish I was old enough to smoke Laramies.
        Radioactive Man: Sorry, Fallout Boy, not until you're sixteen.
        (Season 2 episode Three Men and a Comic Book)
    • Rainier Wolfcastle
      • Rainier Wolfcastle: My libido has been terminated. (Season 14 episode A Star is Born-Again)
    • Ralph Wiggum
      • Ralph Wiggum: I ated the purple berries. They taste like burning.
      • Ralph Wiggum: I bent my wookiee. (Season 6 episode Lisa's Rival)
      • Ralph Wiggum: Hi Lisa. Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers. (Season 10 episode Lisa Gets an ‘A')
      • Ralph Wiggum: You choo choo choose me?
      • Ralph Wiggum: My cat's breath smells like cat food.
      • Ralph Wiggum: If aquarium gravel is so bad for you, then why does it taste so good?
      • Ralph Wiggum: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me! (Season 8 episode Grade School Confidential)
      • Ralph Wiggum: Me fail english? That's unpossible. (Season 6 episode Lisa on Ice)
      • Ralph Wiggum: Daddy I'm scared, too scared even to wet my pants.
      • Ralph Wiggum: Dying tickles.
      • Ralph Wiggum: When I grow up I wanna be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you Principal Skinner. (Season 9 episode The Principal and the Pauper)
    • Ralph Wiggum & Bart Simpson
      • Ralph Wiggum: I found a space rock in my nose.
        Bart Simpson: Houston, we have a booger.
        (Season 9 episode This Little Wiggy)
    • Ralph Wiggum & Miss Hoover
      • Ralph Wiggum: When the doctor said I didn't have worms anymore that was the happiest day of my life.
        Miss Hoover: Thank you, Ralph. Very graphic.
    • Randall Curtis
      • Randall Curtis, creator os Star Wars parody Cosmic Wars: May the power be on your side. (Season 15 episode Co-Dependents' Day)
    • Rehab Patient
      • Rehab Patient: Hey baby, do you want to play Caribbean Stud? I'll show you what I'm holding. (Season 15 episode Co-Dependents' Day)
    • Renee & Moe Szyslak
      • Renee: Really? You think I'm gorgeous?
        Moe Szyslak: Yeah, well, the part that's showin'. Guess you could have a lotta weird scars or a fake ass or somethin'.
        Renee: You don't talk to a lot of women, do you?
    • Reverend Lovejoy
      • Reverend Lovejoy: Wait a minute. This sounds like rock and/or roll.
      • Reverend Lovejoy: It's all over, people. We don't have a prayer.
      • Reverend Lovejoy: Everyone is saying, "Gabbo this", and "Gabbo that", but no one is saying, "Worship this", and "Jericho that".
      • Reverend Lovejoy: Damn Flanders.
      • Reverend Lovejoy: Because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly. Stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.
      • Reverend Lovejoy: Say your prayers, you heathen baboons!
      • Reverend Lovejoy: It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer!
    • Rex Banner & Comic Book Guy
      • Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
        Comic Book Guy: Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.
        Rex Banner: Don't crack wise with me, tubby.
        (Season 8 episode Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment)
    • Richard Gere
      • Richard Gere: It's a good thing Buddhism, teaches freedom from desire, because I've got the desire to kick your ass.
    • Samantha Stanky
      • Samantha Stanky: We just moved here from Phoenix. My dad owns a home security company. He came to Springfield because of its high crime rate and lackluster police force.
    • Satan & John Wayne
      • Satan: Oh, be quiet - you'll wake up John Wayne.
        John Wayne: I'm already up.
        (Season 12 episode Treehouse of Horror XI - segment G-G-Ghost D-D-Dad)
    • Scorpio
      • Scorpio: Homer, on your way out, if you want to kill somebody, it would help me out a lot.
      • Scorpio: I don't expect anything from you, except to die, and be a very cheap funeral.
      • Scorpio: Now, Homer, these gentlemen here will be your eyes and your ears and, should the need arise, they'll fill in for any other part of your body. Your job will be to manage and motivate them. Give them the benefit of your years of experience.
      • Scorpio: My butt is for sitting, not kissing.
    • Sea Captain & Marge Simpson
      • Sea Captain: You know, I run a small academy for lobsters like this one. We stress tough love, daily chores, and the like.
        Marge Simpson: No, we're not sending the lobster away to some boarding school.
        Sea Captain: Yar, I understand. It's hard to let go. Tell me this them. Do you have any spare change?
    • Selma Bouvier
      • Selma Bouvier: Troy, darling come to bed. I want to see the Troy McClure I remember from such films as Make-Out King of Montana and the Electric Gigolo. (Season 7 episode A Fish Called Selma)
      • Selma Bouvier: You're Troy McClure. I remember you from such films as Meet Joe Blow and Give My Remains to Broadway. (Season 7 episode A Fish Called Selma)
    • Selma Bouvier & Troy McClure
      • Selma Bouvier: What are you working on now?
        Troy McClure: I've been reading a lot of scripts. You know, it's a lot cheaper than going to the movies.
    • Sideshow Bob
      • Sideshow Bob: Ah, kettle chips, the perfect side dish... for revenge. (Season 12 episode Day of the Jackanapes)
      • Sideshow Bob: You erased my past. Now I'll erase your future. (Season 12 episode Day of the Jackanapes)
      • Sideshow Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! No truth handler, you! Bah! I deride your truth handling abilities!
      • Sideshow Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you. I deride your truth-handling abilities! (Season 6 episode Sideshow Bob Roberts)
      • Sideshow Bob: Hello, Birch. Longtime listener, first-time caller. Kudos for bringing the public back to the Republican Party. It's high time people realized we conservatives aren't all Johnny Hatemongers and Charlie Bible-Thumps, or even - God forbid - George Bushes!
      • Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius; he's an actor. And second, he's not much of an actor.
      • Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder. Now, honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted Chemistry?
      • Sideshow Bob: You don't spend ten years as a homicidal maniac without learning a few things about dynamite. (Season 8 episode Brother from Another Series)
    • Spud
      • Spud: Hey, check this out. I can unhinge all my joints at once. Doing anything tonight, Blue-Eyes?
    • St. Eleutherius of Nicomedia
      • St. Eleutherius of Nicomedia: That's my name, don't wear it out. (Season 8 episode In Marge We Trust)
    • Stan Lee & Bart Simpson
      • Stan Lee (after reading Bart's Danger Dude comic book): My Spidey-sense is tingling.
        Bart Simpson: Is that good?
        Stan Lee: Whoa, did I say "Spidey"? I meant "stinky". Enough said.
        (Season 13 episode I am Furious Yellow)
    • Stan Lee & Comic Book Guy
      • Stan Lee: Hey, aren't you the guy who was stalking Linda Carter?
        Comic Book Guy (holding a Wonder Woman action figure): The term is "courting". The restraining order says, "No, no," but her eyes say, "Yes, yes".
        (Season 13 episode I am Furious Yellow)
    • Stan Lee & Kyle
      • Stan Lee: Hold it, son. Wouldn't you rather have an exciting action figure?
        Kyle: Ah, but only Batman fits in my Batmobile.
        Stan Lee: Are you nuts? The Thing fits in there perfectly. Looks he's fitting right now.
        Kyle: You broke my Batmobile.
        Stan Lee: Broke? Or made it better?
        (Season 13 episode I am Furious Yellow)
    • Stephen Hawking
      • Stephen Hawking: If you are looking for trouble, you found it. (Season 10 episode They Saved Lisa's Brain)
    • Stephen King
      • Stephen King: At the moment I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He was a fascinating man who discovered electricity, and used it to torture children and green mountain men. And that key he tied to a kite - it opened the gates to Hell! (Season 12 episode Insane Clown Poppy)
      • Stephen King (chalkboard gag): All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. (Episode Treehouse of Horror XXIV)
    • Sunday School Teacher
      • Sunday School teacher: Is a little blind faith too much to ask? (Season 1 episode The Telltale Head)
    • Superintendent Chalmers
      • Superintendent Chalmers: Good Lord! The rod up that man's butt must have a rod up its butt!
    • Superintendent Chalmers & Principal Skinner
      • Superintendant Chalmers: You're fired.
        Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, did you just call me a liar?
        Superintendant Chalmers: No. I said you were fired.
        Principal Skinner: Oh. That's much worse.
    • Surly
      • Surly: Surly only looks out for one guy - Surly. (Season 4 episode Selma's Choice)
    • Troy McClure
      • Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such medical films as Alice Doesn't Live Anymore and Mommy, What's Wrong With That Man's Face? (Season 9 episode Lisa the Simpson)
      • Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such medical films as Alice Doesn't Live Anymore, and Mommy, What's Wrong With That Man's Face? (Season 9 episode Lisa the Simpson)
      • Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me by such self-help videos as Smoke Yourself Thin, and Get Confident, Stupid.
      • Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun!, and Firecrackers: The Silent Killer.
      • Troy McClure: DNA is God's recipe for making you. You take a dash of dad, a pinch of mom, then we bake for nine months and. Mmmm! That's good Billy!
    • Very Tall Man
      • Very Tall Man: Hey, everybody, look at this. It's that boy who laughs at everyone! Let's laugh at him.
    • Virgil Sinclair
      • Virgil Sinclair: Is that your ultimate response? (episode Day of the Jacknapes)
    • Wally Kogen
      • Wally Kogen: If they were electing a president of Dumbville, they'd have to nominate me. (Season 10 episode Sunday Cruddy Sunday)
    • Waylon Smithers
      • Waylon Smithers: I've never gone behind Mr. Burns's back before, but Sideshow Bob's ultra-conservative views, uh, conflict with my... choice of lifestyle.
    • Waylon Smithers & Mr. Burns
      • Waylon Smithers: Oh, Sir, what will you do next?
        Mr. Burns: Well, first I'll get that new hip I've been hankering for. Then, who knows, Beekeeping, boxing, bocci ball. The world is my oyster.
    • Werewolf Flanders
      • Werewolf Flanders: Diddily! (Season 11 episode Treehouse of Horror X - segment I Know What You Diddily-Iddly-Did)
    • Wolfgang Puck
      • Wolfgang Puck: To the Puckmobile! (Season 13 episode The Bart Wants What It Wants)
    • Yoda
      • Yoda (officiating at a gypsy wedding): Husband and wife I pronounce you now, hmm? (Season 13 episode Treehouse of Horror XII - segment Hex and the City)
  • Quotes-Headlines
    • Daily Fourth Gradian
      • Daily Fourth Gradian: School Elections Today ' Are you a Bart or a Milhouse? Take our Quiz (Season 15 episode The President Wore Pearls)
    • The Daily Mail
      • The Daily Mail: Bart and Prince Harry - out of control? (Season 15 episode The Regina Monologues)
    • The Mirror
      • The Mirror: Simpo to UK: "I'll kill you all" (Season 15 episode The Regina Monologues)
    • The Mirror
      • The Mirror: Wacko Jacko to Blimpo Simpo: Sell me your bones (Season 15 episode The Regina Monologues)
    • Springfield Shopper
      • Springfield Shopper: OBESE NERD EATS HUMBLE PIE / "PIE MAN" BACK FOR SECONDS (Season 15 episode Simple Simpson)
    • Springfield Shopper
      • Springfield Shopper: HO. J. SIMPSON TRIAL STARTS TOMORROW (Season 13 The Frying Game)
      • Springfield Shopper: QUIMBY NEPHEW CHARGED IN BEATING (Season 5)
      • Springfield Shopper: BURNS PLANS SUNSHINE HALT. (Season 6 episode Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part 1)
      • Springfield Shopper: BOB PARDON: #1 LOCAL ISSUE (Season 6)
      • Springfield Shopper (newspaper that hits Marge in the head when she's standing on the front porch in the middle of the night because she can't sleep): Sleep Important, Say Experts / Slow News Day Grips Springfield (Season 13 episode Half-Decent Proposal)
      • Springfield Shopper: SIMPSONS SCAM SPRINGFIELD (Season 9 episode Miracle on Evergreen Terrace)
      • Springfield Shopper: LISA KICKS BUTT (Season 4)
      • Springfield Shopper: NEW FACE IN TRASH RACE (Season 9 episode Thrash of the Titans)
      • Springfield Shopper: DOG KILLS CAT, SELF (Season 9 episode The Last Temptation of Krust)
      • Springfield Shopper: BURNS TO OPEN RECYCLING PLANT (Season 8 episode The Old Man and the Lisa)
      • Springfield Shopper: SUPERVILLAIN SEIZES EAST COAST
      • Springfield Shopper: CRAZED MOM GOES TOPLESS PHOTOS PAGES 3-28 / TV CLOWN SAVES DAY (Season 14 episode Large Marge)
      • Springfield Shopper: INCONTINENT OLD MAN WINS MISS TEEN AMERICA (Season 6)
      • Springfield Shopper: Cavalry Kids Lead Charge in Cleanup / President Shoots Wife (Season 14 episode The Bart of War)
      • Springfield Shopper: WEB SNOOP EXPOSES POOL HUSTLE (Season 12 episode The Computer Wore Menace Shoes)
      • Springfield Shopper: KBBL CHEATS STRAIGHT-A STUDENT (Season 5)
      • Springfield Shopper: FUNNY DOG TO MAKE LIFE WORTHWHILE (Season 8 episode The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochy Show)
      • Springfield Shopper: GABBO HERE TODAY (Season 4)
      • Springfield Shopper: SIMPSON WINS IN LANDSLIDE (Season 9 episode Thrash of the Titans)
      • Springfield Shopper: WHO WILL BE FALLOUT BOY? (Season 7 episode Radioactive Man)
      • Springfield Shopper: INCONTINENT OLD MAN WINS MISS TEEN AMERICA (Season 6 episode A Star is Burns)
Springfield Shopper: BIG FAT MAN HAS BIG FAT HEART (Season 5)
      • Springfield Shopper: TODDLERS TOPPLE MAYOR (Season 6)
      • Springfield Shopper: Food Supply Cut Off. Even Pies. (Season 12 episode Simpson Safari)
      • Springfield Shopper: HUMAN BLIMP SEES FLYING SAUCER (Season 8 episode The Twisted World of Marge Simpson)
      • Springfield Shopper: FIVE DAYS 'TIL GABBO (Season 4)
      • Springfield Shopper: Nahasapeemapetilan-tastic! (Season 11 episode Eight Misbehavin')
      • Springfield Shopper: It's War! (Season 10 episode Homer to the Max)
      • Springfield Shopper: PARADE TO DISTRACT JOYLESS CITIZENRY (Season 7 episode Lisa the Iconoclast)
      • Springfield Shopper (headline from the day Homer was born): UNUSUALLY LARGE, UGLY BABY BORN (Season 11 episode Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?)
      • Springfield Shopper: MILHOUSE DISAPPEARS (Season 7 episode Radioactive Man)
      • Springfield Shopper: SIMPSON FOUND GUILTY, SENTENCED TO 10 YEARS / LOCAL BULLY TO HOMER: "HAW HAW" (Season 15 episode The Ziff Who Came to Dinner)
      • Springfield Shopper: BumbleBee Man Caught in Sting (Season 14 episode Three Gays of the Condo)
      • springfield shopper: SIMPSONS ARRESTED IN FAMILY RIOT. EVEN MAGGIE. (Season 13 episode Brawl in the Family)
      • Springfield Shopper: LOCAL GAYS SHARE THEIR PRIDE (Season 5)
      • Springfield Shopper: FEDS TO SIMPS: PAY UP! (Season 11 episode Behind the Laughter)
      • Springfield Shopper: Town Prepares for Olympics, Pickpockets Call Up Reserves (Season 10 episode The Old Man and the ‘C' Student)
      • Springfield Shopper: ALCOHOL PROHIBITED IN SPRINGFIELD, CITY GOES DRY TODAY, BANNER BARS BOOZE, BEER BARON BEATS BANNER (Season 8 episode Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment)
      • Springfield Shopper: HELMS CALLS FOR DONUT TAX (Season 7 episode 22 Short Films About Springfield)
      • Springfield Shopper (20 year old edition Marge obtains for Lisa for her book report): AMERICA LOVES TED KENNEDY (Season 7 episode Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily)
      • Springfield Shopper: BUM SUES CARTOON KING (Season 7 episode The Day the Violence Died)
      • Springfield Shopper: MILHOUSE MELTDOWN (Season 7 episode Radioactive Man)
      • Springfield Shopper: CALL FOR PROBE IN BOB FLAP (Season 6)
      • Springfield Shopper: "FAMILIES COME FIRST" ON BALLOT / SECOND HEADLINE LESS IMPORTANT, STUDIES SHOW (Season 15 episode Marge Versus Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens and Gays)
      • Springfield Shopper: Medical Marijuana Outlawed (Season 3 episode Weekend at Burnsie's)
      • Springfield Shopper: CAT BURGLAR STRIKES 15 HOMES, ZIRCONIA ZTOLEN! (Season 5)
      • Springfield Shopper: PAIR SINKS JUDGE'S HOUSE / QUILT RUINED (Season 13 episode The Parent Rap)
      • Springfield Shopper: LOCAL MAN LOSES PANTS, LIFE (Season 7 episode Mother Simpson)
      • Springfield Shopper: THAT'S ALL, FOLKS (Season 11 episode Behind the Laughter)
      • Springfield Shopper: Springfield Shopper Purchased by Evil (with "Evil" crossed out and replaced with "Nice") Cult. (Season 9 episode The Joy of Sect)
      • Springfield Shopper: MANIAC TO LIVE AT BROTHER'S APARTMENT (Season 8 episode Brother from Another Series)
      • Springfield Shopper: QUIMBY'S PROPOSITION 24 ON BALLOT (Season 7 episode Much App About Nothing)
      • Springfield Shopper (20 year old edition Marge obtains for Lisa for her book report): 40 TRAMPLED AT POCO CONCERT (Season 7 episode Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily)
      • Springfield Shopper: Mayor unveils erection to cheering crowd (Season 15 episode My Mother the Carjacker)
      • Springfield Shopper: SPINNING NEWSPAPER INJURES PRINTER (Season 7 episode Radioactive Man)
      • Springfield Shopper: "FAMILIES COME FIRST" WRONG FOR SPRINGFIELD (Season 15 episode Marge Versus Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens and Gays)
      • Springfield Shopper: POLICE PREPARE FOR DEPORTATIONS (Season 7 episode Much App About Nothing)
      • Springfield Shopper: BURNS' BIRTHDAY TODAY: CREDITS LONG LIFE TO SATAN (Season 5)
      • Springfield Shopper: PREZ SEZ: SCHOOL IS FOR LOSERS (Season 6 episode Bart's Comet)
      • Springfield Shopper: Lisa alive! (Season 12 episode Lisa the Tree Hugger)
      • Springfield Shopper: ROCKET TO KICK COMET'S TAIL (Season 6 episode Bart's Comet)
      • Springfield Shopper: COSTS TOO MUCH, DOES TOO LITTLE (Season 15 episode Marge Versus Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens and Gays)
      • Springfield Shopper: FIRST DAY OF SPRING Ants, Picnickers reach last-minute accord (Season 12 episode Trilogy of Error)
      • Springfield Shopper: BURNS PAYS CITY 3 MIL (Season 4)
      • Springfield Shopper: Heat Wave Continues (Season 13 Poppa's Got a Brand New Badge)
      • Springfield shopper: NEUTRON BOMB HEADED FOR SPRINGFIELD! (Season 9 episode Treehouse of Horror VIII - segment The HΩmega Man)
      • Springfield Shopper: BOY DISCOVERS COMET (Season 6 episode Bart's Comet)
      • Springfield Shopper: Lonely Men Die Early. (Season 14 episode A Star is Born-Again)
      • Springfield Shopper: AWFUL SCHOOL IS AWFUL RICH (Season 6 episode Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part 1)
      • Springfield Shopper: TROY WEDS (Season 7 episode A Fish Called Selma)
      • Springfield Shopper: QUEEN TO MAYOR: YOU'RE NEXT (Season 4)
    • The Sun
      • The Sun: Yankee Doodle Randy: Topless Homer on page 3 (Season 15 episode The Regina Monologues)
      • Judge goes medieval on Simpson's ass (Season 15 episode The Regina Monologues)
    • The Times of London
      • Yank bangs Queen, old beans (Season 15 episode The Regina Monologues)

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